I have to ctb soon

[SanguineShark]

I kinda got a reality-check today, I started crying because I had another one of my breakdowns and as usual I was just feeling very lonely and like I don't deserve love. I then realized that, one of my friends told me last year that she hopes I will someday allow myself to imagine someone truly loving me and that she think it's likely that I will find that person.
And today my friends were discussing toxic behavior, and seemed to not consider me being toxic.
If people who know me so much, don't consider me toxic, it must mean that there probably is some truth to the fact that I'm not a horrible, unlovable person...
That itself makes me cry, but also the fact that not only does this scare me, it's also that I don't want to "move on", I don't want to stop hating myself because that's the only way I know how to be.
And if I can't do that change when confronted with facts, I'm doomed aren't I? I'm a lost cause.
My brain is horribly ill, I have multiple mental disorders including BPD, which describes all of my horrible, self-sabotaging and self-hating behavior.
Noone truly knows how it's like to be me, how it's like to constantly either live in permanent state of anxiety and paranoia bc of abandonment issues or just dissociate from reality. It's all my life is.
The fact that I can change but am unable to do that change, means all there is for me is suicide, I failed at life.
I have to kill myself, like there is literally nothing that can help me at this point, because I have to help myself. And I do not want to help myself, I just can't do it.
A lot of people love me, a lot of people care about me, a lot of people see me as a good and valuable person, a lot of people enjoy my existence. Worst part of it all is that these people will miss me, and get hurt, I will even 100% traumatize some of them for life, and it's all because I'm too weak to change, which would be an easy thing to do considering how I do have this support system. I just don't have anyone that loves me, but my whole brain prefers to ignore the good things and focus on this one bad part.
I can't change my thought process, I just can't stop this self-hate and extremely low self-esteem. I just can't. I want to keep self-hating myself, but I also desperately want to change. Part of me wants to live and part of me wants to die, and the part that wants to die is winning. My brain is scrambled by all the suffering I went through, half of it caused on me by myself. I hate this world and I hate life, and I really want to end it.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

I just wanted to give some perspective because I've been there before, feel free to ignore or tell me if it's too preachy though!

The fact that you realise people love you and they might not be wrong for loving you can be a really big first step to change. If part of you is desperate to get better, please don't try to bury it down by CTBing. I used to believe for YEARS that I was a horrible person. I was hellbent on destroying myself because I believed I only made everyone's life worse. I sh'd, I pushed people away, part of me didn't even want to die but I'd made it my mission in life to make my own life as terrible as possible to help me overcome my fear of death, because I felt I *deserved* to die. It felt like two separate voices in my head, one that absolutely despised me, and another that was scared and hurt and desperate. And it felt like the part that despised me was forcing the part of me that was hurt to forcefully cut people off and end myself. I don't really know what changed, I think the spiral was an addiction, and someone slapped me out of it once they found out and threatened to leave if they found out I was still self sabotaging. I was so angry at their reaction. But I stopped out of fear of them leaving, I faced the self hatred, walked through it everyday and forced myself to live even though I felt incredibly guilty. Over time, I started to tell people how much I appreciated them for being there for me instead of apologising for making their life worse. If I felt I'd done something to hurt someone, rather than hurting myself as punishment, I tried to make it better by doing something nice to show that I was sorry and I cared. Nowadays I can't believe I hated myself so much, the voice in my head that hated me has almost entirely disappeared.

I've seen your posts here before and you genuinely seem like a very nice person. I've also seen some of your posts in the recovery section before. I don't think you're as horrible as your brain is making you believe you are. When we're depressed, recovery feels so undesirable. But I know a lot of people who have said once you get better that changes, you won't miss being depressed, it won't feel "wrong" to love yourself. That being said, it can be a really tough addiction to overcome. If part of you is desperate to get better, have honest conversations with your friends about how you see yourself, this is an almost impossible battle to win alone. Other's opinions about you make all the difference. And if there's a part of you that's desperate to get better, try to replace self sabotage with kindness. Hating yourself doesn't have to mean ending yourself, it can be making the changes you want to see in yourself. At least, that's what helped me. I respect whatever you choose to do in the end, but I'm always here to talk if you need. My account is new so I can't DM but happy to reply in this thread. Sorry again for such a long reply

 

[SanguineShark]

I just wanted to give some perspective because I've been there before, feel free to ignore or tell me if it's too preachy though!

The fact that you realise people love you and they might not be wrong for loving you can be a really big first step to change. If part of you is desperate to get better, please don't try to bury it down by CTBing. I used to believe for YEARS that I was a horrible person. I was hellbent on destroying myself because I believed I only made everyone's life worse. I sh'd, I pushed people away, part of me didn't even want to die but I'd made it my mission in life to make my own life as terrible as possible to help me overcome my fear of death, because I felt I *deserved* to die. It felt like two separate voices in my head, one that absolutely despised me, and another that was scared and hurt and desperate. And it felt like the part that despised me was forcing the part of me that was hurt to forcefully cut people off and end myself. I don't really know what changed, I think the spiral was an addiction, and someone slapped me out of it once they found out and threatened to leave if they found out I was still self sabotaging. I was so angry at their reaction. But I stopped out of fear of them leaving, I faced the self hatred, walked through it everyday and forced myself to live even though I felt incredibly guilty. Over time, I started to tell people how much I appreciated them for being there for me instead of apologising for making their life worse. If I felt I'd done something to hurt someone, rather than hurting myself as punishment, I tried to make it better by doing something nice to show that I was sorry and I cared. Nowadays I can't believe I hated myself so much, the voice in my head that hated me has almost entirely disappeared.

I've seen your posts here before and you genuinely seem like a very nice person. I've also seen some of your posts in the recovery section before. I don't think you're as horrible as your brain is making you believe you are. When we're depressed, recovery feels so undesirable. But I know a lot of people who have said once you get better that changes, you won't miss being depressed, it won't feel "wrong" to love yourself. That being said, it can be a really tough addiction to overcome. If part of you is desperate to get better, have honest conversations with your friends about how you see yourself, this is an almost impossible battle to win alone. Other's opinions about you make all the difference. And if there's a part of you that's desperate to get better, try to replace self sabotage with kindness. Hating yourself doesn't have to mean ending yourself, it can be making the changes you want to see in yourself. At least, that's what helped me. I respect whatever you choose to do in the end, but I'm always here to talk if you need. My account is new so I can't DM but happy to reply in this thread. Sorry again for such a long reply

Thanks;; In my upset state I ordered SN again and this time I couldn't cancel the order as it went through. All I can do now is wait for it to come here. I got very scared bc of this, and I'm trying my best to avoid a panic attack. I do want to give intensive therapy a chance, I'm waiting for my appointment that's in February and then I'll be attending the intensive therapy daily. I'm just very lost, I still feel unable to help myself, I've been suicidal for almost 10 years now and never imagined I'd live this long.. I never finished school and I don't have a job, those are very hard things to also get bc for now I need to focus on therapy..

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

Thanks;; In my upset state I ordered SN again and this time I couldn't cancel the order as it went through. All I can do now is wait for it to come here. I got very scared bc of this, and I'm trying my best to avoid a panic attack. I do want to give intensive therapy a chance, I'm waiting for my appointment that's in February and then I'll be attending the intensive therapy daily. I'm just very lost, I still feel unable to help myself, I've been suicidal for almost 10 years now and never imagined I'd live this long.. I never finished school and I don't have a job, those are very hard things to also get bc for now I need to focus on therapy..

I did see your other post about that. I'm sorry, that must be really stressful :( If it arrives without any hiccups, it might be worth putting it somewhere hard to access for yourself, because it sounds like you go through highs and lows, and if you feel like you want to try to recovery, the last thing you want is to impulsively take the SN while you're upset and then regret it.

I hope intensive therapy goes well! I personally have had shit luck at times with therapists before, which can make you feel so much worse, but if that happens the trick is to stay strong and keep exploring therapists because once you find the right one it can make things a lot better. Are you on any antidepressants? Apparently they have a synergistic effect with therapy. As for school and jobs, as long as you're in a financially secure spot (ie living with others) don't feel like you have to rush. When I was studying in college, there were people in my class who were 20 years older than me. Having a career does make life easier, but it's not worth putting yourself down over. You're trying your best and you're taking very big difficult steps to mental health recovery, that can take a lot more strength and grit than studying and finding a job. I'm sorry if you are financially struggling though, that would be adding so many more layers of stress to this. Is there a dream job that you're interested in having in the future?

 

[SanguineShark]

I did see your other post about that. I'm sorry, that must be really stressful :( If it arrives without any hiccups, it might be worth putting it somewhere hard to access for yourself, because it sounds like you go through highs and lows, and if you feel like you want to try to recovery, the last thing you want is to impulsively take the SN while you're upset and then regret it.

Yeahh I get it, my issue is that I seem to experience only highs and lows very frequently, so it feels even more debilitating at times.

I hope intensive therapy goes well! I personally have had shit luck at times with therapists before, which can make you feel so much worse, but if that happens the trick is to stay strong and keep exploring therapists because once you find the right one it can make things a lot better.

My last therapist was pretty unprofessional, I decided to switch to a new one but haven't got the appointment yet. I think therapy has a specific purpose that is helpful, it just depends if the therapist is good and if you are able to change. I noticed that I learned a lot just from like 3 months of therapy, even with an unprofessional psychologist.

Are you on any antidepressants? Apparently they have a synergistic effect with therapy.

I used to be on a few over the years, changing them, but they just don't work with my brain at all. I have bpd so antidepressants only make me feel worse, it just doesn't help the way people may think it would. I'm currently on a heavy dose of anti-anxiety meds and on mood stabilizers. The anti-anxiety ones are a blessing, and the mood stabilizers idk, it's hard to tell as I still experience rapid and intense mood shifts. But yea, meds don't help with bpd.

As for school and jobs, as long as you're in a financially secure spot (ie living with others) don't feel like you have to rush. When I was studying in college, there were people in my class who were 20 years older than me. Having a career does make life easier, but it's not worth putting yourself down over. You're trying your best and you're taking very big difficult steps to mental health recovery, that can take a lot more strength and grit than studying and finding a job. I'm sorry if you are financially struggling though, that would be adding so many more layers of stress to this.

I live with my mom and grandma, but they're abusive and toxic towards each other, so I'm forced to witness daily verbal abuse. I'm trying my best to fix the situation but it's just that my mom and grandma need to be separated from each other, but we don't have enough money to get grandma to go to a nursing home. Other than that, my mom pays for everything and I'm basically leaving off of her, which I wish I could change as I'm an adult and feel bad. I am disabled though, I have the papers and all, and won't be able to work just any job. I hope to be a forklift driver though!

Is there a dream job that you're interested in having in the future?

Yes - A marine biologist specializing in whales and killer whales (wild ones!). Honestly? If I had an interaction with a wild whale or orca while studying it, I'd no longer be depressed. Like it's one of my dreams to see those beautiful creatures close, and study them and help them survive. Bc I'm autistic, I have a huge struggle studying, so I never finished high school. I wish I could finish it and go to study marine biology..

 

[LastBitOfJoy]

I understood every word you wrote here, I am so much similar to you. I don't know what will sort things out, it's either some miracle or suicide for me. Anyways much love <3

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

Yeahh I get it, my issue is that I seem to experience only highs and lows very frequently, so it feels even more debilitating at times.

My last therapist was pretty unprofessional, I decided to switch to a new one but haven't got the appointment yet. I think therapy has a specific purpose that is helpful, it just depends if the therapist is good and if you are able to change. I noticed that I learned a lot just from like 3 months of therapy, even with an unprofessional psychologist.

I used to be on a few over the years, changing them, but they just don't work with my brain at all. I have bpd so antidepressants only make me feel worse, it just doesn't help the way people may think it would. I'm currently on a heavy dose of anti-anxiety meds and on mood stabilizers. The anti-anxiety ones are a blessing, and the mood stabilizers idk, it's hard to tell as I still experience rapid and intense mood shifts. But yea, meds don't help with bpd.

I live with my mom and grandma, but they're abusive and toxic towards each other, so I'm forced to witness daily verbal abuse. I'm trying my best to fix the situation but it's just that my mom and grandma need to be separated from each other, but we don't have enough money to get grandma to go to a nursing home. Other than that, my mom pays for everything and I'm basically leaving off of her, which I wish I could change as I'm an adult and feel bad. I am disabled though, I have the papers and all, and won't be able to work just any job. I hope to be a forklift driver though!

Yes - A marine biologist specializing in whales and killer whales (wild ones!). Honestly? If I had an interaction with a wild whale or orca while studying it, I'd no longer be depressed. Like it's one of my dreams to see those beautiful creatures close, and study them and help them survive. Bc I'm autistic, I have a huge struggle studying, so I never finished high school. I wish I could finish it and go to study marine biology..

I've always thought I might have BPD too because everything always feels so intense for me but I'm not sure. It must be really hard though. I also had a pretty unprofessional therapist and I kinda gave up before she could try to help me (she spent the first 4 sessions talking to me about her son and his graduation and I gave up trying to get help lmao) but yeah they definitely can add little skills to our toolkits to help us cope. I had another therapist afterwards who wasn't the holy grail or anything, but she was very sweet. The first session when I told her my story she cried for me and I had to try to make her feel better, but it was sweet that she cared so much and was trying to help.

Tbh even if the anti anxiety medications are helping that's really good. I guess one thing alone is never going to be the big fix we need but multiple little solutions together can sometimes make a noticeable difference.

That must be really hard living in an abusive household. I feel like situations like that, paired with no financial independence can make you feel sooo helpless. Forklift driver would be a sick job though! I work with the disabled so I get how limiting it can be sometimes but I'm glad there seems to be something suitable out there for everyone. Do you need a lot of training to do forklift driving?

Whales and orcas are absolutely gorgeous! Marine biology is such a cool and fascinating field tbh. I am really fascinated by outer space and marine life kinda tickles that same part of my brain because there's so much to discover. I wonder if there's even like volunteer work available in those fields that doesn't need a tertiary education? Would your disability be a limitation to something like that?

 

[SanguineShark]

I've always thought I might have BPD too because everything always feels so intense for me but I'm not sure. It must be really hard though. I also had a pretty unprofessional therapist and I kinda gave up before she could try to help me (she spent the first 4 sessions talking to me about her son and his graduation and I gave up trying to get help lmao) but yeah they definitely can add little skills to our toolkits to help us cope. I had another therapist afterwards who wasn't the holy grail or anything, but she was very sweet. The first session when I told her my story she cried for me and I had to try to make her feel better, but it was sweet that she cared so much and was trying to help.

Tbh even if the anti anxiety medications are helping that's really good. I guess one thing alone is never going to be the big fix we need but multiple little solutions together can sometimes make a noticeable difference.

That must be really hard living in an abusive household. I feel like situations like that, paired with no financial independence can make you feel sooo helpless. Forklift driver would be a sick job though! I work with the disabled so I get how limiting it can be sometimes but I'm glad there seems to be something suitable out there for everyone. Do you need a lot of training to do forklift driving?

Whales and orcas are absolutely gorgeous! Marine biology is such a cool and fascinating field tbh. I am really fascinated by outer space and marine life kinda tickles that same part of my brain because there's so much to discover. I wonder if there's even like volunteer work available in those fields that doesn't need a tertiary education? Would your disability be a limitation to something like that?

Thanks a lot for trying to help, I appreciate it <3
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I hope it gets easier
My disability is based on the fact that I'm autistic, I cannot work in crowded places as they just make me get sensory overloads very fast. I thought working in a warehouse as a forklift driver would be ok for me, esp considering I'd have something specific to focus on? And I do know there is some training you have to go through to get a license, but I'm not sure how difficult it is.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

Thanks a lot for trying to help, I appreciate it <3
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, I hope it gets easier
My disability is based on the fact that I'm autistic, I cannot work in crowded places as they just make me get sensory overloads very fast. I thought working in a warehouse as a forklift driver would be ok for me, esp considering I'd have something specific to focus on? And I do know there is some training you have to go through to get a license, but I'm not sure how difficult it is.

Of course <3 and I'm really sorry if I've come across in a toxic positive way. I know things aren't that simple and the highs and lows can really knock one down. But you do sound like a very sweet person and I genuinely think your friends probably love you for a good reason. That makes a lot of sense about forklift driving, I do feel like these days there's a lot of jobs that can be done away from everyone and the pandemic helped a lot with creating WFH jobs :) same with online studies as well, although idk if your personal struggle is with crowds when it comes to school. Feel free to keep everyone updated abt the SN and hopefully it doesn't get you into any issues. Have you been feeling any different since ordering it?

 

[SanguineShark]

Of course <3 and I'm really sorry if I've come across in a toxic positive way. I know things aren't that simple and the highs and lows can really knock one down. But you do sound like a very sweet person and I genuinely think your friends probably love you for a good reason. That makes a lot of sense about forklift driving, I do feel like these days there's a lot of jobs that can be done away from everyone and the pandemic helped a lot with creating WFH jobs :) same with online studies as well, although idk if your personal struggle is with crowds when it comes to school. Feel free to keep everyone updated abt the SN and hopefully it doesn't get you into any issues. Have you been feeling any different since ordering it?

It's ok, I don't mind and you didn't seem toxic imo
SN arrived yesterday or 2 days ago (cant remember) and tbh I've just been super anxious about it. I'm still nervous about the fact I own it, I also felt a lot of survival instinct (this happened also when I tried to order it in the past) and I need time to get used to it. I got upset today so ofc I'm suicidal again, but my head is messy with a lot of stuff.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

It's ok, I don't mind and you didn't seem toxic imo
SN arrived yesterday or 2 days ago (cant remember) and tbh I've just been super anxious about it. I'm still nervous about the fact I own it, I also felt a lot of survival instinct (this happened also when I tried to order it in the past) and I need time to get used to it. I got upset today so ofc I'm suicidal again, but my head is messy with a lot of stuff.

That's super scary, I feel for you. I've never had SN before but I'd be pretty scared to have it. Do you ultimately feel like you're glad to have it, or do you regret it? Sorry you had a rough day :( here if you'd like to chat abt it

 

[SanguineShark]

That's super scary, I feel for you. I've never had SN before but I'd be pretty scared to have it. Do you ultimately feel like you're glad to have it, or do you regret it? Sorry you had a rough day :( here if you'd like to chat abt it

Yeah rn I'm just crying, I don't think I'm worth having around and ultimately ppl would move on if I did kill myself
I don't really regret it bc it's just a matter of time before restrictions on buying SN in my country come in. I just bought it online with no issue. I'm at the total rock bottom again, barely holding on.
Worst part is I can't tell anyone, bc if I don't do it, people will abandon me because of mentioning that I'm suicidal. I'd just be a bother and an emotional burden. No one wants someone suicidal around bc I don't add anything positive in this state.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

Yeah rn I'm just crying, I don't think I'm worth having around and ultimately ppl would move on if I did kill myself
I don't really regret it bc it's just a matter of time before restrictions on buying SN in my country come in. I just bought it online with no issue. I'm at the total rock bottom again, barely holding on.
Worst part is I can't tell anyone, bc if I don't do it, people will abandon me because of mentioning that I'm suicidal. I'd just be a bother and an emotional burden. No one wants someone suicidal around bc I don't add anything positive in this state.

You don't have to add something positive for people to want you around! You're allowed to feel down and bad and I'm sure your true friends would want you around and stay. I've had friends that have been suicidal for years and I still love them so much and they make my life better. Is something specific happening to make you feel low? Sorry I'm replying late I didn't have the site open for a while :((

 

[SanguineShark]

You don't have to add something positive for people to want you around! You're allowed to feel down and bad and I'm sure your true friends would want you around and stay. I've had friends that have been suicidal for years and I still love them so much and they make my life better. Is something specific happening to make you feel low? Sorry I'm replying late I didn't have the site open for a while :((

I don't remember if anything specific triggered me, I just struggle with the same issues daily. Thank you for your kind words, I have a ton of anxiety, I know nice people exist, it's more so that I'm afraid of a reality where my friends would betray me and abandon me, as I had it happen before. I also have had things happen that showed me that not many of my closest friends understand how to cheer others up or be emotionally supportive. Idk.. every day is like hell for me, bpd really is torture...

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you for wanting to give intensive therapy a chance, for giving yourself a chance. Even if therapy doesn't work out, at least you'll know that you tried and that's all that matters. Give yourself some credit, don't be too harsh on yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. I also deal with anxiety and a lot of it comes from my fear of being abandoned (which I have before) so I understand how you feel. I don't have a lot of friends either, I usually just stick to myself. And you don't have to use your SN yet, you can just hold on to it for a while longer and when you are ready you'll have it there waiting. That's what I'm trying to do with mine. It's hard though.

---

Sending you lots of hugs!

---

 

[pepe_felipe]

I don't remember if anything specific triggered me, I just struggle with the same issues daily. Thank you for your kind words, I have a ton of anxiety, I know nice people exist, it's more so that I'm afraid of a reality where my friends would betray me and abandon me, as I had it happen before. I also have had things happen that showed me that not many of my closest friends understand how to cheer others up or be emotionally supportive. Idk.. every day is like hell for me, bpd really is torture...

What's amazing is that a couple of us understand how you're feeling on a personal level. Not to say you're being overdramatic, but that what you are going through can be thought of as human nature. Being stuck in a "hostile" environment, or at least a place that makes you want to "leave" can be counterintuitive to helping yourself, or at least be very uncomfortable. Whether you plan to use the SN you ordered is totally up to you! No one should be forced to continue suffering as you have described. My point is solely that you put into words what some of us could never, and that if you are loved by those around you maybe you could share some of that sentiment and make your time on this planet just a little bit easier knowing that you have had a positive impact, no matter how big or small.

edit: I also want to add that posting on this site is scary for me because I feel very vulnerable sharing such intimate thoughts regarding topics of suicide and self harm. This is to say that I think it's really cool you feel comfortable to type out your thoughts and experience, because it makes someone like me more willing to engage with others on here.

 

[SanguineShark]

What's amazing is that a couple of us understand how you're feeling on a personal level. Not to say you're being overdramatic, but that what you are going through can be thought of as human nature. Being stuck in a "hostile" environment, or at least a place that makes you want to "leave" can be counterintuitive to helping yourself, or at least be very uncomfortable. Whether you plan to use the SN you ordered is totally up to you! No one should be forced to continue suffering as you have described. My point is solely that you put into words what some of us could never, and that if you are loved by those around you maybe you could share some of that sentiment and make your time on this planet just a little bit easier knowing that you have had a positive impact, no matter how big or small.

edit: I also want to add that posting on this site is scary for me because I feel very vulnerable sharing such intimate thoughts regarding topics of suicide and self harm. This is to say that I think it's really cool you feel comfortable to type out your thoughts and experience, because it makes someone like me more willing to engage with others on here.

Awh thank you! I'm glad I could help in some way <3
I enjoy sharing my deepest thoughts in this place as it feels safe for me to do so, I did have few people comment shitty things, but other than that it's mostly ok!
I try my best to acknowledge when my friends express their interest in spending time with me, but it's difficult sometimes my brain always seems to find a reason to put myself down.

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

I don't remember if anything specific triggered me, I just struggle with the same issues daily. Thank you for your kind words, I have a ton of anxiety, I know nice people exist, it's more so that I'm afraid of a reality where my friends would betray me and abandon me, as I had it happen before. I also have had things happen that showed me that not many of my closest friends understand how to cheer others up or be emotionally supportive. Idk.. every day is like hell for me, bpd really is torture...

I understand <3 I've lost a lot of people in life and been extremely suicidal over it before so I can relate. It's such a horrible feeling. I guess personally my outlook nowadays is that no one in my life is guaranteed to be by my side forever, and I've made peace with that. But at the same time, I'm happy to know people even if one day they end up hurting me. I once had a best friend for 6 years who I spent the entire friendship stressing about him leaving me like everyone else, and after all the years of stress and him promising he wouldn't do that to me too, he left. And while I don't necessarily regret befriending him, I do regret never trusting him. Because not only is he gone now, but I also have no positive memories to reflect on. I spent the entire time scared and upset. There's nothing I gained from that friendship but grief and anxiety. It's been 2 years since then, and while I could've had 6 years of happiness and 2 years of grief, my choices instead resulted in 8 years of grief. 6 years of my life is such a large chunk of it that I didn't let myself enjoy. It's almost 10% of my life lost to my own choices. Not trusting him all that time didn't make the grief any easier, if anything it made it worse. So I guess my point is, to whatever extent that you can control, try to enjoy what you have now. Yes, there's a very real chance you'll lose it one day, but you can't control what others will do. It sounds like a lot of people love you, so I know for a fact even if you lose people along the way, you will attract others, because you've already demonstrated that you are capable of being cherished by many. Hopefully that's not too preachy

 

[SanguineShark]

I understand <3 I've lost a lot of people in life and been extremely suicidal over it before so I can relate. It's such a horrible feeling. I guess personally my outlook nowadays is that no one in my life is guaranteed to be by my side forever, and I've made peace with that. But at the same time, I'm happy to know people even if one day they end up hurting me. I once had a best friend for 6 years who I spent the entire friendship stressing about him leaving me like everyone else, and after all the years of stress and him promising he wouldn't do that to me too, he left. And while I don't necessarily regret befriending him, I do regret never trusting him. Because not only is he gone now, but I also have no positive memories to reflect on. I spent the entire time scared and upset. There's nothing I gained from that friendship but grief and anxiety. It's been 2 years since then, and while I could've had 6 years of happiness and 2 years of grief, my choices instead resulted in 8 years of grief. 6 years of my life is such a large chunk of it that I didn't let myself enjoy. It's almost 10% of my life lost to my own choices. Not trusting him all that time didn't make the grief any easier, if anything it made it worse. So I guess my point is, to whatever extent that you can control, try to enjoy what you have now. Yes, there's a very real chance you'll lose it one day, but you can't control what others will do. It sounds like a lot of people love you, so I know for a fact even if you lose people along the way, you will attract others, because you've already demonstrated that you are capable of being cherished by many. Hopefully that's not too preachy

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles :(
I'm glad you managed to make peace with it though!
I still very much struggle with the idea of people leaving, being obsessed with trying to fix the situation. My friends of like 5+ years are less active with me and talk less, there was a reason why they distanced themselves (misunderstanding on both sides and also some mistakes I made), it's like ok again between us but there's still a lot of silence :(
The idea of accepting that that's just how friendships change over time and how I can't force it to be what it used to is difficult to me, I know that's the reality but it just hurts a lot and makes me feel lonely.. I still need time I guess

 

[SanguineShark]

I just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you for wanting to give intensive therapy a chance, for giving yourself a chance. Even if therapy doesn't work out, at least you'll know that you tried and that's all that matters. Give yourself some credit, don't be too harsh on yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling so hard right now. I also deal with anxiety and a lot of it comes from my fear of being abandoned (which I have before) so I understand how you feel. I don't have a lot of friends either, I usually just stick to myself. And you don't have to use your SN yet, you can just hold on to it for a while longer and when you are ready you'll have it there waiting. That's what I'm trying to do with mine. It's hard though.

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Sending you lots of hugs!

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Ah sorry this got lost in notifications! ;;
Thank you, it's kinda my last thread I'm holding on to tbh.. I'm on the verge of suicide and my behavior is really chaotic and I experience a lot of intense mood swings. I hope I can be happy but I'm also scared and repulsed by life.. I want death, growing old seems so unappealing..

 

[textmewhenyourehome]

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles :(
I'm glad you managed to make peace with it though!
I still very much struggle with the idea of people leaving, being obsessed with trying to fix the situation. My friends of like 5+ years are less active with me and talk less, there was a reason why they distanced themselves (misunderstanding on both sides and also some mistakes I made), it's like ok again between us but there's still a lot of silence :(
The idea of accepting that that's just how friendships change over time and how I can't force it to be what it used to is difficult to me, I know that's the reality but it just hurts a lot and makes me feel lonely.. I still need time I guess

It's ok love yeah it's not an easy thing to come to terms with at all and it doesn't stop the hurting so it can be scary to accept :( I'm really sorry about your longer term friends. It's a really sad feeling when you wish you could be closer but the other side doesn't want to. It doesn't mean you are always doomed to lose your friends, but moreso that other than trying to be a good friend to everybody there's not a whole lot else within our control. And from the sounds of it you're doing a good job of being there for everybody