I have so many reasons to off myself

[Area Man]

I've been publicly humiliated, cyberstalked, and doxxed. Most people now think I'm a seedy pervert and a pretty famous one at that. I even creep out other autistic people. I can just be sat down with my phone and people will make nasty comments about me. I'm ashamed of my appearance which I can do nothing about. I'm too lanky, bald and 'look like a pedo'. I can't make eye contact and get accused of staring at others or being shifty. I can barely hold a conversation with strangers and my family have joined in the shaming and gaslight me. No one has any sympathy and I'm being villainised or just ridiculed. The mental health services just don't take me seriously. I'm not wanted or valued in any way by society and am losing the will to function. I'm also becoming an angry and bitter person because of all this.

It's all going to fall to me to ctb and honestly my mind and body is getting ready for it. It's been along time coming and the final vestiges of faint hope for vindication on the earth are fading for the last time. It'll be do it soon and suddenly or sit around amidst increasingly hostile surroundings waiting to die or waiting for something worse to happen because this situation is out of my control. I wouldn't be surprised it my grave is getting stomped on once I'm gone.

 

[Sanva]

I relate to that a lot. I'm also autistic, and it feels like normal people just immediately notice and treat me as less than them. a lot of autistic people have the ability to mask and act normal and that's why I've never felt like i belonged with other autistic people, either. Because I can't do that. And especially with mental health services, i went to a psych ward once and i was the only autistic person there and they treated everyone else so well but then they just didn't know what to do with me and they always thought I was being rude.

it's natural for humans to want to be loved and appreciated, and it sucks when it feels impossible to get that. I've found a lot of comfort here in the past few months at least, but ultimately I'll probably go down the same path. I'm sorry for how you were treated. I wish people were more understanding of autistic people. Maybe someday. I hope you can find peace whatever you decide.

 

[Area Man]

Turning 30 this year and it seems like from now on it would be just settling with what I've got which is a cluster of mental scars. I'll not be able to unpack the mess in my head now. I only hope for a better future for autistics in following generations. I generally think that I ended up shafted for more than just being autistic though like I said. Can see everyone in the future being a lot more good looking than I ever was! Also I had wished I'd have taken cybersecurity way more seriously and avoided the hacking. Life wouldn't have been easy still but at least it would be marginally more peaceful with some prospects for improvement.

If I do stick with life then I'll have to ghost everyone and emigrate probably but I'm easy to spot that's the problem!

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have had to go through all this. Some people can be so cruel and insensitive, no one should have to be treated like that. Life can be very unfair and to me it is horrible how much some people have to suffer in this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[JoeyJoey]

I've been publicly humiliated, cyberstalked, and doxxed. Most people now think I'm a seedy pervert and a pretty famous one at that. I even creep out other autistic people. I can just be sat down with my phone and people will make nasty comments about me. I'm ashamed of my appearance which I can do nothing about. I'm too lanky, bald and 'look like a pedo'. I can't make eye contact and get accused of staring at others or being shifty. I can barely hold a conversation with strangers and my family have joined in the shaming and gaslight me. No one has any sympathy and I'm being villainised or just ridiculed. The mental health services just don't take me seriously. I'm not wanted or valued in any way by society and am losing the will to function. I'm also becoming an angry and bitter person because of all this.

It's all going to fall to me to ctb and honestly my mind and body is getting ready for it. It's been along time coming and the final vestiges of faint hope for vindication on the earth are fading for the last time. It'll be do it soon and suddenly or sit around amidst increasingly hostile surroundings waiting to die or waiting for something worse to happen because this situation is out of my control. I wouldn't be surprised it my grave is getting stomped on once I'm gone.

Have you not got the opportunity to go off grid, away from everything and everyone you know. Somewhere where you will not be recognised or judged. You will be unknown to your new environment.
A new town or village somewhere. Maybe even some time in another country, language allowing.

It might give you a chance to heal and start again.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

Being 'known' on the internet carries a lot of risks. It's so different from back when everyone's name, home address, and phone number was in public phone books all over town.

As for the physical appearance, a great deal of that is tacitly under your control. Of course that depends on your circumstances. For being too lanky, exercises at home (see internet guides) can build muscle mass without the issues of having to lose weight too. Being lanky is a good starting place!

Male pattern baldness gets a pretty bad rap, and can be associated with the 'pedo look'. The cure for baldness is pretty much just shaving it all off at a certain point.

It sucks that your family isn't more sympathetic. Maybe as you say, ghosting everyone and emigrating might be the answer? Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Area Man]

Thanks for the responses. I'll be honest I'm feeling really down about a number of things right now, in particular my appearance which is atypical and profiled with suspicion. I'm also worried that where I go I'll be carrying all my trauma with me and screw up again. Not sure where I can go in the UK if I am internet famous in a bad way since where I turn up there's a risk it might blow up again. I do stand out so any odd behaviour or social mistakes tend to be remembered.

I might be due to some money soon depending on how forgiving certain people have been of my faults and with that could have a few options. I'm trying to push myself out there in the local community and it doesn't always go terribly but a cloud always hangs over. I can uproot somewhere else if I have the money and seriously just go hermit IF that is possible. Cause fuck all of this around here.

 

[JoeyJoey]

There are plenty of places in the UK you can go to. Not everywhere is internet crazy to the point of people recognising others in the street. I really don't know who you really are and am not asking but I am sure if you find a nice quiet town or village, change your appearance slightly ( as you seem to be worried about it) and have a fresher mindset there, your trauma may not be as bad.

A lot of men are bald now. It's a thing isn't it, not sure why. I am sure your looks are also typical of many men nowadays.

Stay off the internet for a while too and have a detox. Is that a possibility.

 

[Area Man]

There are plenty of places in the UK you can go to. Not everywhere is internet crazy to the point of people recognising others in the street. I really don't know who you really are and am not asking but I am sure if you find a nice quiet town or village, change your appearance slightly ( as you seem to be worried about it) and have a fresher mindset there, your trauma may not be as bad.

Hopefully I could find a place that is quieter, with less intrusive neighbours that isn't hyper expensive to set up home. Ideally I'd live off passive income but otherwise I'm going to have to work remotely somehow most likely. My work history is poor so getting a job could be hard.

A lot of men are bald now. It's a thing isn't it, not sure why. I am sure your looks are also typical of many men nowadays.

Ay I might get a hair transplant still to change my appearance. I think my baldness has become a target characteristic. Nothing inherent in baldness per se, just my baldness stands out quite a bit with the other stuff I got going on.

Stay off the internet for a while too and have a detox. Is that a possibility.

It's possible if I have pleasant enough surroundings outside and other stuff to do. I'll probably not totally unplug and might be far from friends and not up to socialising straight away but I'll try and do something different for myself.

 

[JoeyJoey]

I am sorry you have other issues with appearance too. It is difficult for me to comprehend what, and me rabbiting on probably is of no help. None of what I said makes sense if you can't fund a move or find work.
I really do hope something good comes through for you so you can get a clean chance to sort things out and not have a lot of life baggage to hold you back.