Today I was kind of obsessed by spending money. Which can be seen as a warning sign for mania. I have very often warning signs but I steer the wheel well so that I could avoid a new episode. I am successful since some years. I think there is probably only one scenario for how to avoid suicide: If I am stable for like a decade. Otherwise I see no way to recover and get a job. After the last manic episode I was close to killing myself and I could not do anything productive for 2,5 years. I think if I relapsed I could not come back. I am already almost too old for college.
I often think which bias I have. When I talk with therapists they give me the feeling I had a negative bias. I would see the world too pessimistic. Without a doubt this can happen to people with mood disorders. I often think I could plan things and predict the future. I think this is one of my biggest thinking fallacy.
At the evening I read an article about a successful bipolar author. In a prior book he said he wants to stay stable, be self-aware, being careful not to become manic. He relapsed soon afterwards and his newest book talks about it. It was a huge downer for me. Because many of his thoughts resembled mine.
I still think I am probably more self-aware than him. He was not even during his episodes aware he was manic. Many bipolar people tell me that. I was even self-aware during my second psychosis which is even more difficult. But I realized it too late. The damage was done. And one therapist even fueld it and made it worse.
Reading this article gave me the feeling my illness cannot be controlled. You can try to control it but in the end you don't have the power over it. This is a theory of mine. That is is completely natural that this illness repeats. I have a couple of theories why I feel better since 1,5 years. What could have been the catalyst. Maybe there was none. Maybe just enough time passed and it went away. If this is true this logic. I see no way how not to commit suicide in the future. I could even stayed very depressed for the rest of my life. But if everything repeats I gonna kill myself. I think the logic of my illness is getting more and more serious about suicide after each epsiode.
There is one way to trick this logic. Trying to protract the good periods as long as possible But I think statistically the data is rather against me. But I am not sure about details it is a long rime I researched it.
I cannot imagine having to go through all of this extreme psychosmoatic pain and shame again. The way this author described everything reminded me so much of me. Except I am not a sex addict and not rich.
I have the hope maybe if I just don'thave to change my behavior. I could be successful. But maybe the reslilience is decreasing when the good period pesists a long time. I am extremely anxious about the next semester in college. The courses will be way more difficult than in the past, one of my therapists quit etc. This gonna be by far the most dangerous time since I feel better.
I think the odds are very much against me. And if I relapse I need to kill myself. I cannot endure this pain again. I cannot cope with these cycles. That this illness proceeds in cycles is extremely agonitzing for me. The moment I realized this illness usually porceeds in cycles I knew I will probably have to kill myself in the future. I am allready risking a lot. I swore to me never to return to college again. Despite the fact I enjoy it. I enjoy it too much and it makes me manic. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane. And I mostly cope by taking addictive medcation and I somehow managed not get addicted to this point. College was the last opportunity to get a stable normal job. Everthing else failed utterly.
I am so fucking anxious about the next semester. This extreme psychosomatic pain traumatized me. It felt like something was tearing me apart. The pain was insane and it lasted a very long time.
I often think which bias I have. When I talk with therapists they give me the feeling I had a negative bias. I would see the world too pessimistic. Without a doubt this can happen to people with mood disorders. I often think I could plan things and predict the future. I think this is one of my biggest thinking fallacy.
At the evening I read an article about a successful bipolar author. In a prior book he said he wants to stay stable, be self-aware, being careful not to become manic. He relapsed soon afterwards and his newest book talks about it. It was a huge downer for me. Because many of his thoughts resembled mine.
I still think I am probably more self-aware than him. He was not even during his episodes aware he was manic. Many bipolar people tell me that. I was even self-aware during my second psychosis which is even more difficult. But I realized it too late. The damage was done. And one therapist even fueld it and made it worse.
Reading this article gave me the feeling my illness cannot be controlled. You can try to control it but in the end you don't have the power over it. This is a theory of mine. That is is completely natural that this illness repeats. I have a couple of theories why I feel better since 1,5 years. What could have been the catalyst. Maybe there was none. Maybe just enough time passed and it went away. If this is true this logic. I see no way how not to commit suicide in the future. I could even stayed very depressed for the rest of my life. But if everything repeats I gonna kill myself. I think the logic of my illness is getting more and more serious about suicide after each epsiode.
There is one way to trick this logic. Trying to protract the good periods as long as possible But I think statistically the data is rather against me. But I am not sure about details it is a long rime I researched it.
I cannot imagine having to go through all of this extreme psychosmoatic pain and shame again. The way this author described everything reminded me so much of me. Except I am not a sex addict and not rich.
I have the hope maybe if I just don'thave to change my behavior. I could be successful. But maybe the reslilience is decreasing when the good period pesists a long time. I am extremely anxious about the next semester in college. The courses will be way more difficult than in the past, one of my therapists quit etc. This gonna be by far the most dangerous time since I feel better.
I think the odds are very much against me. And if I relapse I need to kill myself. I cannot endure this pain again. I cannot cope with these cycles. That this illness proceeds in cycles is extremely agonitzing for me. The moment I realized this illness usually porceeds in cycles I knew I will probably have to kill myself in the future. I am allready risking a lot. I swore to me never to return to college again. Despite the fact I enjoy it. I enjoy it too much and it makes me manic. The pressure I am doing to myself is insane. And I mostly cope by taking addictive medcation and I somehow managed not get addicted to this point. College was the last opportunity to get a stable normal job. Everthing else failed utterly.
I am so fucking anxious about the next semester. This extreme psychosomatic pain traumatized me. It felt like something was tearing me apart. The pain was insane and it lasted a very long time.
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