E
eythan
New Member
- Sep 19, 2023
- 1
I've been getting worse and worse lately. Just staying up late thinking about dying, googling how to do it...
My former therapist once told me that my extreme stress and anxiety manifest in the form of suicidal ideation. Maybe she's right. But then again she also told me that I wasn't trans because I told her I would still ctb even after transitioning. She also told me thar she believes that I'm saying I want to ctb in order to manipulate her and my family. So I don't want to just take her word for it yk? I've recently started university, so that might be the source of the extreme stress?
The problem is I feel like I have no choice in what to do. I can't keep living, because every day is horrible and I can't ctb because I'm waiting for my dog to die. I can't move out because I don't have the money for it and I can't keep living with my parents because they constantly misgender and disrespect me. I have to wait to be prescribed testosterone and I have to wait even longer for the government to approve my name change. I was forced to introduce myself using my deadname and my classmates immediately started misgendering me. And I don't have the balls (literally) to tell them otherwise just like I don't have the balls ctb. Idk, this whole thing just sent me over the edge especially because I have nobody to talk to ever since I graduated high school. I have no one and I just have to live in the limbo state of waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead and have been in hell this whole time. But it's getting so much harder to believe that the universe isn't actively torturing me but is instead cold and random, I've just been having the worst luck.
I'm so sorry for the paragraph, also I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong here, I just have no one else to talk to...
My former therapist once told me that my extreme stress and anxiety manifest in the form of suicidal ideation. Maybe she's right. But then again she also told me that I wasn't trans because I told her I would still ctb even after transitioning. She also told me thar she believes that I'm saying I want to ctb in order to manipulate her and my family. So I don't want to just take her word for it yk? I've recently started university, so that might be the source of the extreme stress?
The problem is I feel like I have no choice in what to do. I can't keep living, because every day is horrible and I can't ctb because I'm waiting for my dog to die. I can't move out because I don't have the money for it and I can't keep living with my parents because they constantly misgender and disrespect me. I have to wait to be prescribed testosterone and I have to wait even longer for the government to approve my name change. I was forced to introduce myself using my deadname and my classmates immediately started misgendering me. And I don't have the balls (literally) to tell them otherwise just like I don't have the balls ctb. Idk, this whole thing just sent me over the edge especially because I have nobody to talk to ever since I graduated high school. I have no one and I just have to live in the limbo state of waiting.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead and have been in hell this whole time. But it's getting so much harder to believe that the universe isn't actively torturing me but is instead cold and random, I've just been having the worst luck.
I'm so sorry for the paragraph, also I'm sorry if this post doesn't belong here, I just have no one else to talk to...