futileflutters
Cognitively Immobile Borderline Disast-her
- Jul 14, 2020
- 20
This is just as worthless as everything else I have to say so you probably don't want to take the time reading it.
There are no words just pain. There is no outlet, just misery.
I've wanted to die for a decade, attempted multiple sloppy times before I found this place.
I hate myself and I hate the world.
How do people function at all? I can't wrap my head around how people can handle doing this for a week much less a lifetime of 50+ years. I can barely do any more than move from bed to chair when my back starts hurting too badly to rot anymore. Then from chair to bed when my back starts hurting again.
I want to scream but I can't because I have nowhere to do so. Even when I try I hear my voice and can't help but start gagging at how disgusting the sound is.
Used to talk to my friends about this stuff but they all got tired of it years ago. If I want to interact I have to pretend to be happy or I just get ignored. Some people might say "talk to a therapist" but why even try that again? So I can play the dangerous game of trying to express my emotions without getting sent to a fucking ward? How the fuck can they help without me lying through my teeth defeating the entire point.
Talk to my spouse? Nope it'll send them into a fucking spiral which I'll have to put the caretaker mask on again for hours when I don't even have the energy to exist at myself. The mask which suffocates me relentlessly forever. Not to mention again, what would be the fucking point? She's threatened if she thinks I'm gonna do it she'll call on me too. Plus she's caused one of the largest emotional blows I've ever fucking experienced that hurts me to this day. I used to be sad 24/7 but after that happened I changed and became a genuinely worse person. I'm just fucking angry now. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at everything. I feel powerless in my life but if I take my own I'll have to have hers on my conscience as well since she would follow me.
I've covered myself in scars desperate for the little relief it gives. I want to burn and slash at my own body until all I am is viscera. My body is disgusting and deserves nothing but violence. My soul is a worthless fucking void that sucks everything up to no end other than a brief hope of feeling satisfied by something that never comes to fruition. Every day it becomes stronger like a black hole sucking me in until eventually my body will implode from the pressure.
Our roommate is an absolute pig and while I can't find it in me to clean much I keep up with my own messes, but no everytime summer comes around we get a fly infestation with thousands of fruit flies coating every surface of the kitchen and lingering stragglers in every other room. Everything he touches there is a lingering grease because he doesn't wash his hands, the whole place reeks of human piss and shit because he does it in his room to avoid having to get up. Keeping it in open containers. Guess the source of the fly problem yet? Best we can do is always keep our door shut like a fucking airlock to avoid the lingerers getting into the one "safe-ish" space. I can't keep a towel in the bathroom because he will wipe his literal crap on it and leave it there till I unsuspectingly use it and SUPRISE, IT'S CRAP. Yet this is the best I will have for the rest of my life. All that awaits me after this is homelessness because I can't hold a job. With the state of this country even if I could I'd probably be homeless.
I'm a fucking failure who can't do anything right. I had a good start, better than many. I blundered it like I do everything. Barely graduated high school because for the last 2 years I barely attended, just had enough credits from college courses in the first 2 years. Went to college for a month and dropped out after an incident with a creep on the bus that terrified me like the coward I am. Always been slightly agoraphobic but that incident being swiftly followed by COVID put the nail in the fucking coffin and now I only go outside when forced to do so by my spouse. Tried college again only to fail again cause I couldn't find the energy to function.
My memory is shot, I can't remember fuck about shit. Most of my life is a void of nothing but random still image like snapshots of a single moment or location usually with nothing more than a "vibe" to them. Just a few with sentences aligned to them. Even those snapshots continue fading. I barely remember anything more than 5 years ago. I can't remember the people I love and care abouts faces and voices. A day 6 months ago can feel like yesterday and yesterday feels like 6 months ago my sense of time is so fucked. It feels like I've been stuck in this quicksand of an hourglass for an eternity. Outside of the abuse my family tried to prepare me for the world and I've fucked up just about everything I've ever tried. I wasted 18 years of their life raising something worthless, no wonder they abused me like that so frequently. All I deserved was abuse. All I ever deserve is abuse.
Can't even get my hands on what I need to CTB. I wish somebody would just end me already, plenty of people hate me for being trans. Those same people harm others like me who have done no wrong. People who deserved to live. Why couldn't it have been me? I actually deserve it.
There is no help. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. All I am is worthless and all I will ever be is worthless.
I WANT TO SCREAM SO FUCKING DESPERATELY BUT ALL I CAN DO IS SUFFOCATE, I AM NOT A REAL PERSON PLEASE STOP PUTTING THE EXPECTATIONS OF ONE ON ME.
There are no words just pain. There is no outlet, just misery.
I've wanted to die for a decade, attempted multiple sloppy times before I found this place.
I hate myself and I hate the world.
How do people function at all? I can't wrap my head around how people can handle doing this for a week much less a lifetime of 50+ years. I can barely do any more than move from bed to chair when my back starts hurting too badly to rot anymore. Then from chair to bed when my back starts hurting again.
I want to scream but I can't because I have nowhere to do so. Even when I try I hear my voice and can't help but start gagging at how disgusting the sound is.
Used to talk to my friends about this stuff but they all got tired of it years ago. If I want to interact I have to pretend to be happy or I just get ignored. Some people might say "talk to a therapist" but why even try that again? So I can play the dangerous game of trying to express my emotions without getting sent to a fucking ward? How the fuck can they help without me lying through my teeth defeating the entire point.
Talk to my spouse? Nope it'll send them into a fucking spiral which I'll have to put the caretaker mask on again for hours when I don't even have the energy to exist at myself. The mask which suffocates me relentlessly forever. Not to mention again, what would be the fucking point? She's threatened if she thinks I'm gonna do it she'll call on me too. Plus she's caused one of the largest emotional blows I've ever fucking experienced that hurts me to this day. I used to be sad 24/7 but after that happened I changed and became a genuinely worse person. I'm just fucking angry now. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at the world, I'm angry at everything. I feel powerless in my life but if I take my own I'll have to have hers on my conscience as well since she would follow me.
I've covered myself in scars desperate for the little relief it gives. I want to burn and slash at my own body until all I am is viscera. My body is disgusting and deserves nothing but violence. My soul is a worthless fucking void that sucks everything up to no end other than a brief hope of feeling satisfied by something that never comes to fruition. Every day it becomes stronger like a black hole sucking me in until eventually my body will implode from the pressure.
Our roommate is an absolute pig and while I can't find it in me to clean much I keep up with my own messes, but no everytime summer comes around we get a fly infestation with thousands of fruit flies coating every surface of the kitchen and lingering stragglers in every other room. Everything he touches there is a lingering grease because he doesn't wash his hands, the whole place reeks of human piss and shit because he does it in his room to avoid having to get up. Keeping it in open containers. Guess the source of the fly problem yet? Best we can do is always keep our door shut like a fucking airlock to avoid the lingerers getting into the one "safe-ish" space. I can't keep a towel in the bathroom because he will wipe his literal crap on it and leave it there till I unsuspectingly use it and SUPRISE, IT'S CRAP. Yet this is the best I will have for the rest of my life. All that awaits me after this is homelessness because I can't hold a job. With the state of this country even if I could I'd probably be homeless.
I'm a fucking failure who can't do anything right. I had a good start, better than many. I blundered it like I do everything. Barely graduated high school because for the last 2 years I barely attended, just had enough credits from college courses in the first 2 years. Went to college for a month and dropped out after an incident with a creep on the bus that terrified me like the coward I am. Always been slightly agoraphobic but that incident being swiftly followed by COVID put the nail in the fucking coffin and now I only go outside when forced to do so by my spouse. Tried college again only to fail again cause I couldn't find the energy to function.
My memory is shot, I can't remember fuck about shit. Most of my life is a void of nothing but random still image like snapshots of a single moment or location usually with nothing more than a "vibe" to them. Just a few with sentences aligned to them. Even those snapshots continue fading. I barely remember anything more than 5 years ago. I can't remember the people I love and care abouts faces and voices. A day 6 months ago can feel like yesterday and yesterday feels like 6 months ago my sense of time is so fucked. It feels like I've been stuck in this quicksand of an hourglass for an eternity. Outside of the abuse my family tried to prepare me for the world and I've fucked up just about everything I've ever tried. I wasted 18 years of their life raising something worthless, no wonder they abused me like that so frequently. All I deserved was abuse. All I ever deserve is abuse.
Can't even get my hands on what I need to CTB. I wish somebody would just end me already, plenty of people hate me for being trans. Those same people harm others like me who have done no wrong. People who deserved to live. Why couldn't it have been me? I actually deserve it.
There is no help. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. All I am is worthless and all I will ever be is worthless.
I WANT TO SCREAM SO FUCKING DESPERATELY BUT ALL I CAN DO IS SUFFOCATE, I AM NOT A REAL PERSON PLEASE STOP PUTTING THE EXPECTATIONS OF ONE ON ME.
