Venting I have no reason to stay awake.

[SmigSauer]

I used to work evenings and now I don't work at all. As a result, I rarely see the sun, and sleep from approximately 4AM-12PM on most days. The only thing that keeps me alive is hope that things will change, I have to see things out and if they are still bad when everything comes to fruition, then I have no reason to stay alive.

But the things I want to see changed take time and effort. I want to be as thin as possible, to look a certain way, and to live in isolation. These aren't things I can do immediately on a whim, they take months and months of effort. Whenever I think to myself "You should fix your sleep schedule, it may make you happier", that thought is immediately curbed by the thoughts of "What is the point of staying awake for the sake of staying awake? Sleeping endlessly will make you perceive that time is passing faster, and the changes you want to see take place will happen sooner than you think."

The realist in me knows that the change I want to see take place will never fully satisfy me anyway. So why am I clinging onto this hope? I don't have an answer.

 

[scharlachrotsan]

the grass is always greener on the other side, my friend. we all strive for better, for more, even if it's not the best for us. even if there's no point in staying awake and fixing your sleep schedule, doing so will at least help if and when you go back into the work force. i also sometimes wonder if i should just sleep all the time, but then i remember that the internet exists and that the internet makes my world worth living. try picking up a hobby with a decent internet community and spend time there, you won't regret it.