Venting i have no one and i'll die alone

[batmanreal]

i hate my life. i'm so tired of being lonely and pathetic all of the time. there's no one to talk to about anything, there's no one to hang out with. i usually end up rambling to myself in my head for what feels like hours. there's really no one to vent to, so i just grind my teeth or self harm in whatever way i can to avoid getting overwhelmed; now i'm covered in ugly bruises and scars, my jaw and head are constantly hurting—my wrists are bleeding as we speak. i can't do anything, life is so dull without other people. sure, i could meet new people; but it will ultimately be pointless. everyone will just leave, the pattern won't change no matter what i do or how hard i try.

i have no one to write any meaningful notes to when i ctb. no one cares that much and my death won't make a difference in any lives.

 

[Off_Switch]

Unfortunately, the insufferable act of working and slaving away in this rat race is the only way most of us can potentially meet people.

 

[Jello Biafra]

You aren't alone.

I feel the same exact way. My wife committed suicide a little over a year ago, and I also became disabled and lost my business, my home, my ability to drive, everything. All within a year.

Since I'm in a wheelchair and can barely use my fingers anymore, I can't even get down the steps to leave the house. So I moved back in with my elderly mother and I sit around all day with absolutely nobody to talk to.

What compounds this and makes it 1000x worse, is I've always been an overthinker - I spend way too much time in my own head. So as you put it, I sit around having conversations with myself all day - constantly fixating on how I will escape this existence peacefully and reliably. I think I have that last part pretty much figured out, so now it's just a matter of convincing myself when the right time is. I'm ready to go now, as I absolutely do not fear death, and actually look forward to it. Even though I've never had more than a surface level relationship with my mother, I do feel saddened to think of her finding me.

The way I look at it is this: imagine wearing really thick gloves your entire life that you believe that the gloves are actually a part of "you", and when those gloves get old and tathered, you mistakenly believe that once the gloves wear out, you will no longer have hands. In fact, when you remove the gloves there is this instant expansion and realization that the gloves were just a piece of wardrobe, they weren't actually 'you'.

That's the kind of shit, when I'm not thinking of my method, that goes through my head all day. Pretty sad, I know.

 

[batmanreal]

Unfortunately, the insufferable act of working and slaving away in this rat race is the only way most of us can potentially meet people.

yeah, i finally started meeting new people a few months ago when i started working; but i don't really consider any of them to be "friends". we talk at work, some of them lowkey trauma dump on me, i hung out with one of them once (only because their friend flaked on them last second). i'm not really friends with any of them, though. we don't talk outside of work, and even at work, they usually only talk to me if no one else is around. it's very obvious that there's nothing there.