cecropia
cursed.
- May 7, 2025
- 6
I seriously doubt I will make it to 20, my life feels so hopeless that even every attempt to CTB always failed. I've had many tries in my life since I was 12, and my recent one a month ago. it's been 7 years and I am still hopeless.
what do you do if your younger years were ruined because of people older than you on the internet managing to exploit you ? what do you do if the whole reason for being on the internet for years is because no one ever talked to you at school or clubs ? what do you do about being heavily medication, riddled with diagnoses that makes every day a living hell.
even when at 16 I finally have a friend group I've held onto for 3 years, even a boyfriend from it, even companionship won't ever make this easier. I'm at risk of losing money because I may get replaced or put in another position for a lower payout. I need money because my hospital bill from my own shitty attempt to CTB was $921 WITH my insurance covering it. I feel like a medical burden my family, I feel like a burden to my boyfriend, my friends. I'm not as successful as them, I'm not even popular enough to have people want me to work for them in the first place unless it was a referral or a request. even then, I feel extremely useless.
I can't sleep because of my insomnia and paranoia. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting my partner, and it got worse and extended to my friends. they scare me so much that I avoid talking to them now. I'm scared that I'm the worst person alive to it gives me more of a reason to stop living in general. I'm so tired, I even had to withdraw from college because of my mental.
I genuinely can't take living anymore, and I can't even sleep because of paranoia, my insomnia, intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I can't bare having a target on my back for being autistic, a guy that's dating another guy, let alone being a guy that is mentally fucked because people will somehow villainize you for it. I can't bare the fact that I have to live with trauma and get nothing in return other than fake pity in the form of the same 3 words like a wind up doll. not even my depressed and autistic boyfriend fucking understands and I can't help but laugh. not even the people around me understand. I have nothing and no one and I am becoming more and more misanthropic towards the people around me.
my life is going to be more doomed and it feels even more so when every attempt failed for years, no matter how many times I tried. I can't even hold up a job because of my disability and disability services here are horrible, I don't have fucking work credit because of my conditions and yet this government expects me to have some of it. I couldn't even get through my first term of college.
this life genuinely is for me and I would much rather be reincarnated to something nicer, and I hope one day I can successfully CTB.
what do you do if your younger years were ruined because of people older than you on the internet managing to exploit you ? what do you do if the whole reason for being on the internet for years is because no one ever talked to you at school or clubs ? what do you do about being heavily medication, riddled with diagnoses that makes every day a living hell.
even when at 16 I finally have a friend group I've held onto for 3 years, even a boyfriend from it, even companionship won't ever make this easier. I'm at risk of losing money because I may get replaced or put in another position for a lower payout. I need money because my hospital bill from my own shitty attempt to CTB was $921 WITH my insurance covering it. I feel like a medical burden my family, I feel like a burden to my boyfriend, my friends. I'm not as successful as them, I'm not even popular enough to have people want me to work for them in the first place unless it was a referral or a request. even then, I feel extremely useless.
I can't sleep because of my insomnia and paranoia. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting my partner, and it got worse and extended to my friends. they scare me so much that I avoid talking to them now. I'm scared that I'm the worst person alive to it gives me more of a reason to stop living in general. I'm so tired, I even had to withdraw from college because of my mental.
I genuinely can't take living anymore, and I can't even sleep because of paranoia, my insomnia, intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I can't bare having a target on my back for being autistic, a guy that's dating another guy, let alone being a guy that is mentally fucked because people will somehow villainize you for it. I can't bare the fact that I have to live with trauma and get nothing in return other than fake pity in the form of the same 3 words like a wind up doll. not even my depressed and autistic boyfriend fucking understands and I can't help but laugh. not even the people around me understand. I have nothing and no one and I am becoming more and more misanthropic towards the people around me.
my life is going to be more doomed and it feels even more so when every attempt failed for years, no matter how many times I tried. I can't even hold up a job because of my disability and disability services here are horrible, I don't have fucking work credit because of my conditions and yet this government expects me to have some of it. I couldn't even get through my first term of college.
this life genuinely is for me and I would much rather be reincarnated to something nicer, and I hope one day I can successfully CTB.
