Discussion I have no legitimate reason to want to die.

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

These days I find myself thinking more about this than anything else. If a researcher was to look at all of my data points (place of birth, socioeconomic status of my parents, zip code, health status, IQ, academic performance, quality/quantity of friendships, etc.) they would have to conclude that I should live a great life. Yet here I am wanting to die, my only reason that I can scrounge together being that most days the work and effort don't seem to be worth the payout. Out of the last 7 years, I've wanted to kill myself everyday for 4 of them. It makes no sense. I feel ungrateful and like I'm throwing away an opportunity most people don't get. The discord is killing me.

 

[mehdone]

One of the hardest things with my own depression, has been that throughout my life- even during times where I can look around and say, "Hey, things aren't bad; I should be happy!"- I have not been.

And honestly, that has made it far worse at times- because I can see all of the positive things in my life, I haven't actually had it so bad- sure, I've had some trauma, but we all have- and yet, I still want to die. I'm still unhappy. It ends up adding to my shit because then I feel like an ungrateful piece of crap, and that just feeds my other shit. I dunno if that makes any sense.

 

[Andro_USYD]

That's not being fair on yourself, Ur problems are serious problems and although U (like me) seem to have everything going for ourselves don't think that what you're experiencing isn't valid because it is.

I live in Australia, get a government pension and blow all my money on silly things like vapes, go to a prestigious university and I feel exactly the same way.

You're struggling and although you have Ur basic necessities and seem to have everything going for yourself you're highly depressed on the inside and that is valid. Western countries usually higher rates of suicide than developing countries and what you feel U shouldn't undermine it because of Ur status in life, that's not being fair to you.

 

[J&L383]

These days I find myself thinking more about this than anything else. If a researcher was to look at all of my data points (place of birth, socioeconomic status of my parents, zip code, health status, IQ, academic performance, quality/quantity of friendships, etc.) they would have to conclude that I should live a great life. Yet here I am wanting to die, my only reason that I can scrounge together being that most days the work and effort don't seem to be worth the payout. Out of the last 7 years, I've wanted to kill myself everyday for 4 of them. It makes no sense. I feel ungrateful and like I'm throwing away an opportunity most people don't get. The discord is killing me.

Life makes no sense. It is so complicated and yet so simple. Don't knock yourself out for what you're feeling. I get it.

 

[HopelesslyAlive]

This is exactly how I feel, but I've never been able to describe. I, like yourself, should technically be happy or at least content, there's nothing really detrimentally wrong with me and there's nothing that has happened that should really have made me feel like this and also I, like yourself, have wanted to kill myself every day for the last 4 and 1/2 years and yet I shouldn't want to and I can't really pinpoint why and it makes talking to people about it so so difficult, because they don't understand it when I say that I just don't know. I honestly really appreciate you putting into words just how I feel.

 

[Aergia]

You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Have you seen a mental health professional? Not that I think suicidality is inherently irrational or wrong absent an apparent, "significant" external reason—but by the sound of it, most people whose brains function the way nature intended would be a lot less inclined to consider suicide in a situation like yours. So seeing one could be a good idea, if a part of you does want to live.

 

[random_user]

Ultimately there is nobody who decides if your individual reasons to choose to keep living or not are legitimate or not. Nobody has the right to tell you that. It's something every individual has to decide for themselves.

 

[Abyssal]

In my mind the fact that one feels suicidal is proof enough of being..well..suicidal. It's not exactly something that needs gatekeeping, it's better to be able name how you feel to better understand yourself and what you can do to help yourself improve.

 

[UKscotty]

No such thing as a valid reason. If someone wants out that's their fundamental human right.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[rozeske]

I believe as long as you are the only one who gets to live in your life, you should be the sole decider if your life is worth living. When you decide to leave it you are the only person the reason needs to make sense to.

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Have you seen a mental health professional? Not that I think suicidality is inherently irrational or wrong absent an apparent, "significant" external reason—but by the sound of it, most people whose brains function the way nature intended would be a lot less inclined to consider suicide in a situation like yours. So seeing one could be a good idea, if a part of you does want to live.

I've had multiple therapists, psychiatrists, ketamine, the gamut of medications... none of it has helped one bit.

I believe as long as you are the only one who gets to live in your life, you should be the sole decider if your life is worth living. When you decide to leave it you are the only person the reason needs to make sense to.

The problem is it doesn't even make sense to me.

 

[dearlulu]

I personally don't believe there is "I should be happy" in any circumstances. We can't help our feelings and thoughts from coming to us, but we learn to deal with it. You've held on in those 4 years and you are still here. That's hard.

I can only empathise with you that having these ideations are absolutely draining and tiring, especially if you don't understand the underlying reasons. One of my friends has actually said to me that accepting that they have ideations has been really helpful. It's like "yeah, I have these ideations, so what".

On a side note, do you have any diagnosis? I personally don't think they matter but it might help you understand?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Sometimes we just grow tired of living and want it to end. That's fine. You don't need some long sob story to justify why you want to die. You don't need to justify your wish to end your life to no one. I plan on ctbing once I've had my goals met and I wouldn't say that my life is that bad. I just don't find living a long life to be that appealing. You aren't being ungrateful. You never asked to be born to begin with and if you want to ctb then it's your body your choice.

 

[AdaSmiles]

Same here. Sure, I have some problems, but nothing that couldn't get solved. My life is quite good, but I am unhappy most of the time and often just wanna die, because nothing makes sense to me. In the best case, I am dead in a few decades anyway. So what?

The other point I am struggling with is humanity. I can't believe how bad humans are. When I see what they do to nature, animals etc. I feel so helpless and get sad and angry so often that I just don't wanna move on anymore. Even my life is ok, there are so many others that suffer.

I work voluntarily for an animal rescue and I think, I cannot leave already now, because I still could help so many of them, but sometimes it's just to horrible when I see what humans are capable of. In such situations I just wanna close my eyes and forget everything. Just sleep, forever.

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

I personally don't believe there is "I should be happy" in any circumstances. We can't help our feelings and thoughts from coming to us, but we learn to deal with it. You've held on in those 4 years and you are still here. That's hard.

I can only empathise with you that having these ideations are absolutely draining and tiring, especially if you don't understand the underlying reasons. One of my friends has actually said to me that accepting that they have ideations has been really helpful. It's like "yeah, I have these ideations, so what".

On a side note, do you have any diagnosis? I personally don't think they matter but it might help you understand?

Major depressive disorder and "probably OCD."

 

[Callie Arcale]

Major depressive disorder and "probably OCD."

I think having major depressive disorder is the very definition of a "legitimate" reason for wanting to ctb, so perhaps that's the answer you are looking for.

(On a side note, I don't believe there is such a thing as an illegimitate reason to ctb. Every individual has the right to end their lives for whatever reason they see fit. The pro-life ideology we are force fed with all our lives, makes it hard for us to realize that suicide is a strictly personal decision, beyond right and wrong, and that we don't need a justification for not wanting this life, which we never asked for in the first place.)

 

[Aergia]

I don't buy either one.

Do you think you were misdiagnosed? May I ask why?

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

Do you think you were misdiagnosed? May I ask why?

I deleted it because I realized I was talking out of my ass. I haven't even read the DSM 5 or whatever number we are on now and checked. Part of the reason that I said that and haven't even looked up the criteria for diagnosis is because I disagree with the idea being pushed (and pushed hard) that mental health is the EXACT SAME as physical health. I don't understand the comparison that is often made between depression and cancer, for example. With cancer, we know what it is, what it's doing, and the mechanism of the disease and the mechanism of treatment is fundamentally the same for all people. With depression, we don't know what it is, don't know what it's doing, and the mechanism of the disease and the mechanism of treatment are not even remotely the same for all people. And cancer has many types and I've never heard of a type of depression (besides postpartum). It seems there should be a bunch of different types of depression.

Maybe it's a definitional issue with "depression" being too broad of a category. People who are dealing with childhood trauma, current grief, untenable life circumstances, seemingly nothing at all, or *insert reason here*, people who can go to work everyday and have no one be the wiser and people who can't crawl out of bed to the fridge despite starving and not having eaten in 3 days (I've been both btw) cannot all have the exact same medical "disease," with a uniform diagnosis and treatment method, in my eyes. And for the OCD thing, I don't even really know what it is.

Again, the reason I deleted it is because I don't know what I'm talking about, but since you asked, that's what I believe.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The desire to not exist does not discriminate. And you don't need a legitimate reason. Not wanting to be here is reason enough.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Basically like you said "most days the work and effort don't seem to be worth the payout", the simplest way I've explained my thoughts on life is that the juice ain't worth the squeeze. No matter your upbringing or abilities, achieving and maintaining true contentment and happiness takes an inordinate amount of effort. It's always felt pointless to me when there is an simpler route to the same endpoint.

 

[Aergia]

I deleted it because I realized I was talking out of my ass. I haven't even read the DSM 5 or whatever number we are on now and checked. Part of the reason that I said that and haven't even looked up the criteria for diagnosis is because I disagree with the idea being pushed (and pushed hard) that mental health is the EXACT SAME as physical health. I don't understand the comparison that is often made between depression and cancer, for example. With cancer, we know what it is, what it's doing, and the mechanism of the disease and the mechanism of treatment is fundamentally the same for all people. With depression, we don't know what it is, don't know what it's doing, and the mechanism of the disease and the mechanism of treatment are not even remotely the same for all people. And cancer has many types and I've never heard of a type of depression (besides postpartum). It seems there should be a bunch of different types of depression.

Maybe it's a definitional issue with "depression" being too broad of a category. People who are dealing with childhood trauma, current grief, untenable life circumstances, seemingly nothing at all, or *insert reason here*, people who can go to work everyday and have no one be the wiser and people who can't crawl out of bed to the fridge despite starving and not having eaten in 3 days (I've been both btw) cannot all have the exact same medical "disease," with a uniform diagnosis and treatment method, in my eyes. And for the OCD thing, I don't even really know what it is.

Again, the reason I deleted it is because I don't know what I'm talking about, but since you asked, that's what I believe.

I understand. I feel similarly.

I do think that one day there'll be a better neurological explanation for mental illnesses. But plenty of people who have good lives and no "comorbidities" can be suicidal. We may not know the mechanisms by which it happens, but it does happen. You're not necessarily being irrational, and you certainly don't have to feel bad for not making a better life of your starting hand—your brain is arguably part of that hand and it seems you were (whether or not it should be labelled) neuropsychologically disposed to the negative emotions or profound apathy that's lead to this perspective (as opposed to the positive emotions and sense of purpose most brains simply evolved to feel).

I see why you're frustrated. But in the end, like others have expressed, you have sole ownership of your person and consciousness. It's your decision.

 

[tbroken]

These days I find myself thinking more about this than anything else. If a researcher was to look at all of my data points (place of birth, socioeconomic status of my parents, zip code, health status, IQ, academic performance, quality/quantity of friendships, etc.) they would have to conclude that I should live a great life. Yet here I am wanting to die, my only reason that I can scrounge together being that most days the work and effort don't seem to be worth the payout. Out of the last 7 years, I've wanted to kill myself everyday for 4 of them. It makes no sense. I feel ungrateful and like I'm throwing away an opportunity most people don't get. The discord is killing me.

Except from IQ, i lack all the other stuff. My life was a total scum and i deeply regret being born.

 

[jexixa]

there are people who had everything in life who ctb'd, and there are people who live hellish existences but continue to strive to live. i think its worth looking at things less from a "i had everything in my life" and more "i had everything that i wanted in life". do you believe you had everything you personally wanted in your life? or was it mostly stuff society considers valuable? as soon as i considered that the feeling of "im wasting a good life away" went away, since i do not want a "good life". i want death

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

there are people who had everything in life who ctb'd, and there are people who live hellish existences but continue to strive to live. i think its worth looking at things less from a "i had everything in my life" and more "i had everything that i wanted in life". do you believe you had everything you personally wanted in your life? or was it mostly stuff society considers valuable? as soon as i considered that the feeling of "im wasting a good life away" went away, since i do not want a "good life". i want death

Other than a trillion dollars, I legitimately have not been able to conjure up anything that I would want more of or have done differently. That's the problem. Maybe society has subconsciously influenced the things I want more than I'm accounting for, but I can think of many wants (that I had met) that are either atypical or unique/specifically related to me. Perhaps some of these unique desires were forged by a false identity (that I've internalized) that I thought I had to create in order to be "different." I try to present as someone who does the things he does because he doesn't care about what anyone thinks, but in reality I want people to recognize all the ways in which I "go against the grain."

One of the sayings I would always repeat to myself a few years ago was "I had everything I could have ever wanted and threw it all away." Perhaps the "could have ever wanted" phrasing is demonstrative of either my inability or refusal to look at things from my perspective rather than from an external or "unbiased" perspective, in the sense that I'm looking through a one way mirror at myself as a researcher describing all of the things a generic/sample homo sapien could want. The "I" in the sentence is not a personal "I," such as "I wanted" but rather a reference to the entity that I am, if that makes any sense.

Maybe I've written off the things I actually want as impossible/unachievable and thus I've conditioned my mind in such a way that I just don't even think about them as things I want anymore.

Or perhaps I was living a life that truly was everything I wanted and it simply wasn't enough. Who knows.