Venting I have no good reason to feel like this

[Yazzerton]

I have always had a pretty easy life, at least compared to most. That's why it confuses me on why I still feel the way I do. I have no right with all the good things that have and will happen to me, when people much worse off than me power through. Maybe I'm just so weak that even the small things that average people can handle are just too much for me to take. I'm smart, had a full ride, athletic, well off parents, I work my dream job, and so much more. I just got accepted back into school to finish my degree and I thought bettering myself would help. I do everything right, everything that I've been told to do and I still hate myself. I hate myself even more for hating myself when I have so much going for me. The life I was given was wasted on a weak mind like me. I think about ending it every single day and I have no right. I deserve to suffer for wasting such an amazing opportunity to live a good life. I deserve so much worse.

 

[rizleechboy]

Pretty much the same situation. Sometimes I wish I would do something drastic, that I'm not "supposed" to do. But usually my head just turns to ctb as that action. It's all a bit confusing when there is no external or measurable evidence of any problems. The facade of normalcy.

 

[uzuf86]

Same here. I consider myself very fortunate for having a great academic and financial status. I had everything I wanted in life. Then my mental health took a deep plunge into darkness and completely ruined my life. I did things that cannot be reversed. I'm just looking forward to my ctb now

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I hate myself even more for hating myself when I have so much going for me.

This. So relatable. Sorry you spiral in this way too.

 

[UKscotty]

Depression is the equal opportunities destroyer as we say. It doesn't care if you are rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In a way though, that makes it so much worse for you because, you're riddled with guilt and shame. I don't think we can exactly help how we feel at the end of the day. We can choose to try and fight it I suppose, but you need to have reasons to do that I think.

I tend to feel resentful if people try to make me feel guilty. I guess because the bottom line is: I don't want to be alive. So, everything on top of that- either positive or negative doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be here! I didn't ask to come here but now, I feel obliged to stay. And, it's made painful and risky for me to leave.

Why would someone on death row in prison for a crime they didn't commit, who could be tortured next week, be beaten up tomorrow, have their breakfast stolen today, be overwhelmed with gratitude when they are given a slice of toast?

I guess I just don't think it's right to enforce something on someone and insist they be grateful for it and make them feel guilty if they aren't! Not that gratitude isn't good. I think it's a wonderful thing to feel but- only if it's genuine. Otherwise, I think it just leads to guilt and resentment.

 

[SVEN]

Depression is the equal opportunities destroyer as we say. It doesn't care if you are rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight.

Ain't that gospel !

 

[Olisop21.]

In a way though, that makes it so much worse for you because, you're riddled with guilt and shame. I don't think we can exactly help how we feel at the end of the day. We can choose to try and fight it I suppose, but you need to have reasons to do that I think.

I tend to feel resentful if people try to make me feel guilty. I guess because the bottom line is: I don't want to be alive. So, everything on top of that- either positive or negative doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be here! I didn't ask to come here but now, I feel obliged to stay. And, it's made painful and risky for me to leave.

Why would someone on death row in prison for a crime they didn't commit, who could be tortured next week, be beaten up tomorrow, have their breakfast stolen today, be overwhelmed with gratitude when they are given a slice of toast?

I guess I just don't think it's right to enforce something on someone and insist they be grateful for it and make them feel guilty if they aren't! Not that gratitude isn't good. I think it's a wonderful thing to feel but- only if it's genuine. Otherwise, I think it just leads to guilt and resentment.

I just want to die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just want to die.

You're in good company. Most people want to die here I imagine. Frustrating isn't it, that it's so difficult?

 

[Olisop21.]

You're in good company. Most people want to die here I imagine. Frustrating isn't it, that it's so difficult?

Beyond frustrating. I feel I don't have the will to live but yet I don't CTB. I need to just do it.

 

[Yazzerton]

This. So relatable. Sorry you spiral in this way too.

It's wild that there are others feeling the same way. Not putting down anyone else's suffering or anything obviously, but I figured that I was suffering differently than everyone else. It's nice to know that there are others out there with the same sorts of problems. I suppose since my environment isn't the main cause for my distress, my chemistry must be the main cause. I guess my best solution would be meds since my depression is most likely caused by chemical and hormonal imbalances.