I have no friends, and have barely ever had any, only ones that didn't treat me well. I dropped out of school and im not in employment, education, or training. I only talk to two family members that I live with: one is my parent who abused me my whole life and contributed to my current state, and the other is my sibling who seems to avoid me. I stopped talking to my other parent a few months back; they live in another city.
I spend my days playing video games, listening to music, watching pornography, going to the gym, and taking walks, but I don't enjoy any of it. I actually hate doing these things. I just do it to pass time. Hobbies seem meaningless to me. I only want love, so I refuse to enjoy them.
I hate the way I look and everything about myself. My voice, my posture, my thoughts, my behavior. I feel self-conscious even when writing online or being in my room by myself. Even though I realize im not as bad as I imagine, I still hate it because it's a part of me.
Every time I go outside or even try to watch a movie, I'm met with displays of affection and romance, which greatly contribute to my suffering. I long for a relationship more than anything, but it feels unrealistic and borderline impossible due to my hatred of others which leads me to reject anyone who initiates anything, self-consciousness, general mood swings, an inability to relate to anyone, and other countless issues.
Even here, I can't seem to relate to anyone. I dont care about any of the interests people have. I hate drugs and anyone who takes them. I've never been through a breakup or been in a relationship and im generally not interested in discussions at all. Reading any post or comment from anyone honestly raises my cortisol. This is the same on any platform. I wish I wasn't like this, but I don't want to change. I blame my parents for it and will never forgive them.
I'm planning to end my life via train in the coming year simply because I don't see a point in living. At my current state, I feel like I don't want friends more than I do. I just want a relationship. This desire for a relationship + building a family, which is the only actual desire I have, will likely never be fulfilled so there is no point in continuing. I don't care about getting better and I don't want to.
I spend my days playing video games, listening to music, watching pornography, going to the gym, and taking walks, but I don't enjoy any of it. I actually hate doing these things. I just do it to pass time. Hobbies seem meaningless to me. I only want love, so I refuse to enjoy them.
I hate the way I look and everything about myself. My voice, my posture, my thoughts, my behavior. I feel self-conscious even when writing online or being in my room by myself. Even though I realize im not as bad as I imagine, I still hate it because it's a part of me.
Every time I go outside or even try to watch a movie, I'm met with displays of affection and romance, which greatly contribute to my suffering. I long for a relationship more than anything, but it feels unrealistic and borderline impossible due to my hatred of others which leads me to reject anyone who initiates anything, self-consciousness, general mood swings, an inability to relate to anyone, and other countless issues.
Even here, I can't seem to relate to anyone. I dont care about any of the interests people have. I hate drugs and anyone who takes them. I've never been through a breakup or been in a relationship and im generally not interested in discussions at all. Reading any post or comment from anyone honestly raises my cortisol. This is the same on any platform. I wish I wasn't like this, but I don't want to change. I blame my parents for it and will never forgive them.
I'm planning to end my life via train in the coming year simply because I don't see a point in living. At my current state, I feel like I don't want friends more than I do. I just want a relationship. This desire for a relationship + building a family, which is the only actual desire I have, will likely never be fulfilled so there is no point in continuing. I don't care about getting better and I don't want to.
