I can't talk to people about this in my life. It fucking sucks that this topic out in the world doesn't have any answers. I've called numerous hotlines and had this conversation with my therapist countless times over the years. Maybe this forum does since topics like this are openly accepted here, maybe this is my last bastion. This is my first independent post here so I don't know what to expect.
I have a great job. I take good care of myself. I exercise and eat healthy. I have a lot of friends and a supportive family. I am a talented musician with great bandmates with so much to look forward to in music. The people in my life genuinely love and support my musical endeavors. I am attractive and personable. I have the awesome car and material possessions. Despite all these great aspects on my life, I am lonely and long for companionship. I work extremely hard on my music as it brings me happiness though fleeting.
It sounds of insecurity; life's experiences have shown statistically my height plays a factor in me being alone. For context, I'm a 5'2 male in his 30's. As I grow older, it gets more and more difficult for me to date. I'm good looking enough for people to want to be friends with, for people to even want to have an affair with, yet not good enough to be loved as a whole person outwardly aka people would rather keep me a secret. People will give me a chance and see my flaws and toss me aside for someone new (because hey, might as well deal with someone else's flaws since they're taller/is better in bed). I used to get upset about not being favorable about being shorter, but it's human nature for most women to gravitate towards taller people for sense of security.
I am around the age where many of the people in my circle are settling down with families. I wish I could even just be in a relationship with someone who cares about me as more than a friend. I've experienced time and time again these let downs and I don't have the energy to keep reliving this cycle. As mentioned above I write music to help me cope with my loneliness. It gives me purpose, but these days I am losing touch with what it once brought me. I would love to write about being genuinely loved and not about being lonely or suicidal for once.
I don't want to exist anymore. Am I doomed to living the rest of my life as a single person who just does music for fun? Unable to have the simple basic human needs of touch and companionship? I don't have the energy for this anymore. How long do I have to "keep working on myself" to be good enough? How much journaling, meditating, and hours in the gym do I need to spend? How much time do I need to dedicate to my passions 'to eventually attract my person' from all the hard work I do? Why is it that I need to work so damn hard on myself yet there are people who get loved for who they are when they don't have jobs, don't exercise, don't have any passions or ambitions, but they're taller than their partner? Because they can fuck them well enough to where those things don't matter? I feel disgusted just typing that out but I've become so jaded by life's experiences to be brought to this line of thinking.
Therapy does not help, the hotlines do not help. The topic scares the shit out of people. If my parents weren't around still, I would gladly leave this plane of existence. I would be upset for a bit if I got cancer, but at the same time it would be a relief to know I have a legitimate out that wouldn't hurt others as bad as knowing I offed myself.
I have a great job. I take good care of myself. I exercise and eat healthy. I have a lot of friends and a supportive family. I am a talented musician with great bandmates with so much to look forward to in music. The people in my life genuinely love and support my musical endeavors. I am attractive and personable. I have the awesome car and material possessions. Despite all these great aspects on my life, I am lonely and long for companionship. I work extremely hard on my music as it brings me happiness though fleeting.
It sounds of insecurity; life's experiences have shown statistically my height plays a factor in me being alone. For context, I'm a 5'2 male in his 30's. As I grow older, it gets more and more difficult for me to date. I'm good looking enough for people to want to be friends with, for people to even want to have an affair with, yet not good enough to be loved as a whole person outwardly aka people would rather keep me a secret. People will give me a chance and see my flaws and toss me aside for someone new (because hey, might as well deal with someone else's flaws since they're taller/is better in bed). I used to get upset about not being favorable about being shorter, but it's human nature for most women to gravitate towards taller people for sense of security.
I am around the age where many of the people in my circle are settling down with families. I wish I could even just be in a relationship with someone who cares about me as more than a friend. I've experienced time and time again these let downs and I don't have the energy to keep reliving this cycle. As mentioned above I write music to help me cope with my loneliness. It gives me purpose, but these days I am losing touch with what it once brought me. I would love to write about being genuinely loved and not about being lonely or suicidal for once.
I don't want to exist anymore. Am I doomed to living the rest of my life as a single person who just does music for fun? Unable to have the simple basic human needs of touch and companionship? I don't have the energy for this anymore. How long do I have to "keep working on myself" to be good enough? How much journaling, meditating, and hours in the gym do I need to spend? How much time do I need to dedicate to my passions 'to eventually attract my person' from all the hard work I do? Why is it that I need to work so damn hard on myself yet there are people who get loved for who they are when they don't have jobs, don't exercise, don't have any passions or ambitions, but they're taller than their partner? Because they can fuck them well enough to where those things don't matter? I feel disgusted just typing that out but I've become so jaded by life's experiences to be brought to this line of thinking.
Therapy does not help, the hotlines do not help. The topic scares the shit out of people. If my parents weren't around still, I would gladly leave this plane of existence. I would be upset for a bit if I got cancer, but at the same time it would be a relief to know I have a legitimate out that wouldn't hurt others as bad as knowing I offed myself.
