I have died

[ornitier199]

So today on this somber morning I finally stopped kidding myself with my pointless reason to keep living. I wish I could say I had my method here front and center ready to go, but I don't which is sad cause I do not want to make it passed this day. I really fucking dont I do not want to wake up another day in this hell or in this body. Being a game dev sucks, worse that I'm black, I hate being black I do, the discrimination no matter what will always be there and there's nothing that can be done about it, that's the reality. I'm tired of faking and acting like it is.
The more I think about it, the more its just gonna make me sad. Worked so hard on it for years only to see it get thrown in trash. now there's nothing left. Like all the people i've encountered who wanted to see my fail knew it would happen eventually, I was the fool saying otherwise. Stress takes too long to kill.
To not act on impulse resulting a very bloody suicide, I'm trying to get SN but when even that fails
fuck I feel sutck in this limbo of failure when i cant even fucking kill myself without having to pay for it some out wtf.
A gun? gotta pay
A bridge? shit too far to walk from here gotta pay
SN? gotta pay.

everything's behind a fucking paywall.

 

[jimmy7754]

I am 32 and can relate to chipping away at the block on something so difficult and competitive only to feel weeded out and depressed.. falling into a zombie trap of bills ands survival.. not doing anything I wanted to do with my life just living day by day exhausted and unfulfilled.. it takes a lot of courage to end it and I'm just dragging my feet at this point..

 

[Chiisai]

I am 32 and can relate to chipping away at the block on something so difficult and competitive only to feel weeded out and depressed.. falling into a zombie trap of bills ands survival.. not doing anything I wanted to do with my life just living day by day exhausted and unfulfilled.. it takes a lot of courage to end it and I'm just dragging my feet at this point..

I feel you. Im in the same predicament.

 

[Red Scare]

I hate being black I do, the discrimination no matter what will always be there and there's nothing that can be done about it, that's the reality. I'm tired of faking and acting like it is.

Fuck man, that really gets me.

I'll never know what it is like to be racially discriminated against, but as a lgbt person, and physically disabled, I know what you mean when you say the discrimination will always be there, and there's nothing you can do about it. At least being gay is something you can conceal, but when people find out there is always that element of knowing that you are not truly accepted and that people will still hate you just for existing. And about being disabled, yeah, it sucks. People look at you, people treat you differently. Getting a place to live is even hard, because they discriminate and would rather just rent to a "normal" person.

I'm so sorry that it has driven you to a place where you hate yourself for it. I never hated myself, maybe I am a narcissist, but it only made me hate other people.

 

[LostAllHope88]

Fuck man, that really gets me.

I'll never know what it is like to be racially discriminated against, but as a lgbt person, and physically disabled, I know what you mean when you say the discrimination will always be there, and there's nothing you can do about it. At least being gay is something you can conceal, but when people find out there is always that element of knowing that you are not truly accepted and that people will still hate you just for existing. And about being disabled, yeah, it sucks. People look at you, people treat you differently. Getting a place to live is even hard, because they discriminate and would rather just rent to a "normal" person.

I'm so sorry that it has driven you to a place where you hate yourself for it. I never hated myself, maybe I am a narcissist, but it only made me hate other people.

I like this quote about being gay: "Homosexuality is like UV light—it's there, it's real, just not something most can see or understand without a bit of help and explanation." —George Takei

Also gay here and barely disqualified from being disabled but close enough:



Even still…I can never begin to imagine being discriminated against for being black. My ex is black and one time we were playing Super Smash Bros. on our Switches in a parking lot just because we didn't really have anywhere to go at the time. 10 minutes later the cops show up. I've sat in countless parking lots alone in the past and never had the cops come bother me. Someone saw his skin color and called. I was furious, he was so chill about it and turned out he actually went to school with one of the cops so it didn't turn into anything…but still. Sorry for what you have to go through, @ornitier199 :/

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that this life is unbearable when you are suffering so much. I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. I also do not want to wake up, more than anything I wish that it was easier to leave this world. All that I want is to peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[ornitier199]

It's times like this that I really wish Ryan Jordan was with me.
That's all I can say.