I have BPD and I'm reaching out to those who do.

[BPDtgirl]

Hi everyone

I've been living with this for a long time, for the most part undiagnosed but recently found out that all this stuff has a name. Now that I have this name for all these things, i've been really considering just ending it. Knowing that there is no cure and that I am just doomed to this.. I've been through several FPs at this point, friends and romantic relationships. I don't really think I want to be around if this is going to be just how it is.

I wanted to post here because I wanted to reach out to those of you who also have BPD. I'd like to talk to other people that understand, that totally get it and are judgement free. Maybe you have BPD and you have some stories that might help me or others that fall on this thread?

Thanks. :)

 

[glossble]

I have BPD too, and yeah there's no medications to treat BPD, the main treatment for BPD is psychotherapy, but the goal of DBT is not to change your emotions but to change how you react to and manage them. But I want to feel better, not "manage" well...

I just stopped dating because I think it the best way to manage my BPD. I'm sorry I don't have a better advice for you :c
And I'm sorry you're dealing with this disorder too

 

[Almost Dead]

Have it as well, it really does make life a living hell. It's true there's no "cure" for it, but there definitely have been many cases of it going into "remission" for people with time when they get treatment. Treating it is more about management and regulation, which is why DBT is such a touted treatment for it specifically. I really do believe there is hope for those who have it and it's not an outright death sentence, but it takes... SO much willpower and hard work to even start to see results in changing how your brain works. But it's not impossible at least.

Also FP shit is the worst, no matter platonic or romantic. Kinda referencing glossble above, I feel like the easiest way to "manage" a lot of the symptoms is by avoiding making connections at all, but that's no way to live either... It's really hard. I'm truly sorry you're dealing with it all.

 

[BPDtgirl]

i totally understand you both. the frustration of not wanting to have to ''manage'' and just wanting to be 'normal' is very real.

I just wish i could have normal relationships, ones where i don't obsess. Perhaps the only true way of doing that is just being alone. But god, i hate being alone so fucking much...

My ex partner was so abusive and even admitted to the abuse, yet I cannot stop missing her simply because it was better than being alone. It fucking sucks having a disorder that makes that the normal mindset,...

 

[Almost Dead]

God yeah I understand you there. It would be amazing to just... have a connection with someone and have it be normal and healthy and not subject to the constant volatile wills of whatever your brain wants you to go through at any given moment. Being alone is a "solution" but yeah it's not ideal for anyone, even the most isolated of us...

My ex partner was so abusive and even admitted to the abuse, yet I cannot stop missing her simply because it was better than being alone. It fucking sucks having a disorder that makes that the normal mindset,...

This particularly hits hard because this happens SOOO often with us it feels like. FP dynamic makes it seem that the ONLY answer is that One Person and without them you can't survive at all.

I stayed with someone for almost a decade and put up with so much awful treatment (we were both very toxic to each other, I take responsibility for my part too) just because they were my FP and I was convinced they were the only one and convinced that I didn't deserve better either. Couldn't see how bad it was for ages, even though everyone else could. Once I was free it was clear how poisonous the situation was, but when you're that deep in it mentally, you literally can't see any of that. Feels like some messed up mind control.

 

[RoseGirl]

The pain of being alone is so unbearable :c
I do wanna be able to manage my emotions so i can be functional and not horrible... I'm so envious of normal people not having these emotions, they'll never understand how awful it feels to be alone or how little control it feels like you're in.

 

[BPDtgirl]

I stayed with someone for almost a decade and put up with so much awful treatment (we were both very toxic to each other, I take responsibility for my part too) just because they were my FP and I was convinced they were the only one and convinced that I didn't deserve better either. Couldn't see how bad it was for ages, even though everyone else could

it's like you're describing the exact relationship I just had , i'm sorry you had to deal with it too. I still can see how poisonous it was but i still miss it.. it's really fucked up isn't it.

The pain of being alone is so unbearable :c
I do wanna be able to manage my emotions so i can be functional and not horrible... I'm so envious of normal people not having these emotions, they'll never understand how awful it feels to be alone or how little control it feels like you're in.

yeah.. sigh. 'normal' people, it's true. and no matter how well you describe it to someone, they'll never really understand what its like.. i hate this mental illness so much and there just isn't a cure but its at least reassuring to know i'm not the only one who has these emotions.

i tried DBT, it was dumb.. just found it so stupid. I had hoped one day i find an FP who I can tell they are my FP and they understand BPD.. support it. Not exploit it. But i'm starting to think that it isn't possible. I'm really not sure that I want that as a life, I didn't sign up for this shit.

 

[Almost Dead]

I had hoped one day i find an FP who I can tell they are my FP and they understand BPD.. support it. Not exploit it. But i'm starting to think that it isn't possible. I'm really not sure that I want that as a life, I didn't sign up for this shit.

I felt the same, and sort of found that, but in the end no one really understands BPD unless they have it themselves unfortunately. You can even do your best to warn people too (tried that) but it seems to end the same every time lol. Everyone w/o BPD thinks they can handle it in someone they love until they can't. The stigma is there for a reason and it does Not help our cases when trying to connect with others that's for sure.

I don't think what you're looking for is impossible though, especially with support/treatment and dedication to healing, in any small ways you can manage.

 

[BPDtgirl]

what do you guys think of a borderliner having an FP relationship with another borderliner?

 

[Almost Dead]

I haven't experienced it myself but from what I've heard from those that have, VERY difficult and painful unless they're (or at least one of them) is in active therapy/recovery. Not outright doomed or anything, just... very hard and requires a lot of work and regulation.

 

[FoxSauce]

As a fellow woth bpd feels absolutely awful.

The mood swings , the relationship woes and so on.

Ofc I didnt knew back then i thought people were the same as me in a way. I didnt believe I had beacuse I wasnt violent did and suicide threats or anything (ik wrong of me to have that stigma but thats what I see on the media)

Ofc got oficially diagnosed and just felt awful about myself I'm taking dbt therapy as we speak and is alright ig. I hope i live a better life if not then idk.

Still is a nightmare to live with also I found out from my family that my mom in her youth could have diagnose with BPD and my 2 aunts told me that she refused treatment. Ofc I was shocked cuz ofc ill take it with a grain of salt cuz i du no if its true and my mom will not tell me or just avoid it all together. Didnt knew this not that my mom has to tell me but still.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I understand , I have CPTSD but I understand how you folks feel (also sorry, I gave you the Yay emoji instead of hugs then changed , I didn't mean to give you the Yay emoji)

 

[burneverybridge]

I shouldn't be amongst people. I find myself screaming at people in the street cos I think they're talking about me. Some were, others maybe not. How did I get to this? Bpd is supposed to get better as you get older, why am I getting worse?

 

[evanescent_eva]

what do you guys think of a borderliner having an FP relationship with another borderliner?

Fellow borderliner here. Speaking only for myself, I had an FP relationship with another borderliner for the better part of a decade, and for most of that time it was a beautiful relationship. Granted we both had gone to a decade of therapy each before we met, so we maybe had some extra emotional tools to help us not hurt each other, tools that might not be present in other BPD-BPD relationships? With that said, though, we were able to tell each other that we were each other's FP, and we were able to understand each other's BPD, and it ended up being the most supportive and emotionally fulfilling relationship I ever had.

...And then I became overwhelmed by health problems, I stopped being (able to be? idfk) a supportive FP, and now I'm no longer that person's FP. But they're still mine, and it's pure agony. It hurts so much more when the other person understands you, and then rejects you anyway. It's hard to explain...it's like, when I've been rejected by an FP without BPD, it's felt like abandonment, but when I was rejected by my borderline FP, it felt like (still feels like) I was fundamentally irredeemable?

I guess what I'm saying is that, at least for me, the potential emotional peaks are incredibly high, while the potential emotional downsides are harrowingly low. I'd like to think that, but for my non-BPD health problems, I would still be my FP's FP; and given that, I'd like to think that there are borderliners who can have truly wonderful, long-lasting FP relationships with each other. But the potential for soul-rending pain is definitely there...

Wishing you, and everyone else on this thread, lots of care and support <3

 

[northevelyn]

As someone with BPD, I really suggest you exhaust every option for getting help. Medication and therapy can help a lot, even with BPD. That hopelessness about the disorder is hard, but there are still options. I'm trying to believe that anyway.