Venting I have been an outcast my whole life

[The Disqualified]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

 

[sapphirebunnie]

I really relate to you. Im so jealous of others who fit in so easily. I wish you the best.

 

[eladeselasol99]

Been there felt that, i am loner too til now never click with anyone. Best wishes for you dude.

 

[Fresh Soju]

Can strongly relate to you. I know it won't help much, but at least we can both feel a little less alone this way I hope.

 

[uselessmanz]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

I relate to this. It's gotten to the point where I think I live a triple life or more. When that hits me, there will be irreparable damage for me and others. That's why I want to die.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm 38 and I felt since I was just 5 years old that somehow I don't belong in this world. Nobody wanted to play with me even when I was just a little kid, and this continued my entire life. No friends, no love life, always alone, no job... just two cold parents in a loveless marriage.

 

[ilovemydog]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

Sounds identical to my life

 

[pinkluvr]

Real asf. I've been trying so hard all my life to assimilate with my environment but it's clear no one wants me here. No friends, no social life. I hate being so used to it but I already know how everything goes once I meet somone new; they'll leave over time. I'm not worth staying around for. It sucks and I hate myself for my inabil to function normally

 

[Afterglow]

Some people just start the game already winning.

Some people are born with confidence, appearance, or social skills that make human connection come naturally. They fit into conversations without thinking about it. They find people who share their interests. They feel understood without having to put effort into explaining.

Others start on the other end. Social anxiety, awkwardness, niche interests. It feels like you're an alien. You can try to improve things, you can try to "put yourself out there" or "learn to socialize," but it never stops feeling forced.

I've always been the last pick, the backup option, the person people remember only after everyone else is already chosen.

I understand heavily, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it too.

 

[wishingiwasok]

Real asf. I've been trying so hard all my life to assimilate with my environment but it's clear no one wants me here. No friends, no social life. I hate being so used to it but I already know how everything goes once I meet somone new; they'll leave over time. I'm not worth staying around for. It sucks and I hate myself for my inabil to function normally

I totally get that. I finally learned around high school that if I caretake to people they'll let me hang around but when I needed something it was always a burden. And setting boundaries with people just resulted in being alone.

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

I cant say I live a double life because I consistently made the mistake of showing people who I am even though it made the rejection escalate to bullying/abuse. I wish I had had the internal wisdom to hide my social awkwardness better. I absolutely relate to feeling like rejection and exclusion is just a part of life rather than a momentary or situational feeling.

 

[uselessmanz]

I totally get that. I finally learned around high school that if I caretake to people they'll let me hang around but when I needed something it was always a burden. And setting boundaries with people just resulted in being alone.

I cant say I live a double life because I consistently made the mistake of showing people who I am even though it made the rejection escalate to bullying/abuse. I wish I had had the internal wisdom to hide my social awkwardness better. I absolutely relate to feeling like rejection and exclusion is just a part of life rather than a momentary or situational feeling.

Reality is pre-determined…

 

[chudpolonais]

I feel you so much, ever since the very, very day I was born I've had no social life and no social skills. only way I can even talk to anybody is if they reach out first, which never happens. I'm infinitely jealous of those who were born with good looks and confidence

 

[wordsdontcomeout]

I don't have much to say except I feel you, I've always never felt in and I don't have any social skills.

 

[Spite]

I feel like I could have written this word for word. I was destined to be an outcast - there's just something in my neural pathways - my brain - that makes me so... alien, and unable to connect with 99.9% of people. It leaves me feeling so disconnected, so detached, lonely...

You can try to improve things, you can try to "put yourself out there" or "learn to socialize," but it never stops feeling forced.

This hit so hard. It's exactly how it always feels. Even in those very rare moments of 'success' where I am somehow able to socialise with another person, even my own family, it feels so forced. It's heartbreaking. Why am I like this?

 

[Passenger4224]

This is the most relatable post I have read on this site.

No matter how hard I try, I am unable to bond with most people, and all my interests/takes are niche. I also cannot understand other people because it seems like with half the shit they say, they mean the polar opposite. Literally every sentence in your post is me.

I am curious what your niche interests are?

Always down to chat if you want to make a new friend, but I don't have much time remaining in this world.

 

[cluefixphantom]

Same. And it's unfair. I'm trapped while others–the bullies–have friends, fun, and money.

I've faced exclusion everywhere. I've even been denied healthcare, and the normal people/typical labor wage slavers, make it impossible to shop locally because I'm constantly mocked and insulted for not looking the way they expect. Many of them must be ableists and dislike poorer people per default.

I'm either ignored or hit with passive-aggressive behavior, lies, and outright bullying. The abuse comes from the people who should help too: nurses, social workers, doctors. They perpetuate the same toxic cycle they started in school. Today I understand it better now–this is how the elite- and middle class operate in industrialized nations.

I've found some good discussions in r/ugly and from u/poofpoofpow. He shares similar stories of being degraded just for existing. But I need to say, I think the lineage is a little bit more important than physical ugliness. Money decides who gets respect, human rights, friends, romantical moments, who gets to live freely. Without it, you're powerless. Having rich parents and wealth available can help to compensate for physical ugliness imo.

But if someone, like me, comes from shitty poor parents. Then it's lose-lose situation. I'm poor, disabled, and seen as different. I've been called slurs— he-she, r'tard, and other ableist words. My family is nonexistent, and I've been abused, isolated, and trapped in a cycle of systemic psychiatric and judicial violence from the narc bullies who work in such institutions and get rich by abusing vulnerable people. My father abandoned his family easly, and while he faced no consequences, he never paid a euro, – I've paid for it my whole life.

I'm stuck in my room, endure years of isolation. I can't afford a lawyer, and the legal system doesn't help the Victims–it protects the privileged and offenders, and they are the core of normality. Also I've found the lawyers, medical workers, social workers, many come from richer households and are mostly right-wing/liberals. They see people like me as trash and their opinion is seen as more important because they are simply richer and a part of this society while victims aren't. We are similar to animals without any real rights and protection.

At the end, it's extreme unfair, that parents like mine – drug-addicted, broken, ugly – were allowed to have children. Now I have to suffer the consequences because richer people earn money from malevolent behavior towards us. The middle-class wage slaves just add more disadvantages, ensuring people like me stay poor forever. Because they and their rich employers make profit from abusing us, so they'll never lift a finger to help.

They made me to be a 'mentally ill criminal' or see me as 'parasite'. And they left me only with a small income from government aid. In Germany it's called Hartz4/Bürgergeld. I'm cut off from mainstream society. I can't even go outside without being insulted as ugly or a r'tard and looked at like I am a disease. They want that people like me die off, because they lack basic humanity. They discard and attack us–just like animals do with their weak, disabled or elderly. And the only "progress" they created before they throw us away is a system of exploitation, almost like parasites harvesting money from us. The whole "medical, care" and "mental health" and jail system is created for this. The institutions are also all connected to slaughterhouses. If you can read german, I recommend the book "Der chemische Knebel" by Peter Lehmann and Kerstin Kempker they explained the exploitative system. They explained the norm in I would say many nations. The normal people are ill like cancer cells.

 

[Daphne]

Same. And it's unfair. I'm trapped while others–the bullies–have friends, fun, and money.

I've faced exclusion everywhere. I've even been denied healthcare, and the normal people/typical labor wage slavers, make it impossible to shop locally because I'm constantly mocked and insulted for not looking the way they expect. Many of them must be ableists and dislike poorer people per default.

I'm either ignored or hit with passive-aggressive behavior, lies, and outright bullying. The abuse comes from the people who should help too: nurses, social workers, doctors. They perpetuate the same toxic cycle they started in school. Today I understand it better now–this is how the elite- and middle class operate in industrialized nations.

I've found some good discussions in r/ugly and from u/poofpoofpow. He shares similar stories of being degraded just for existing. But I need to say, I think the lineage is a little bit more important than physical ugliness. Money decides who gets respect, human rights, friends, romantical moments, who gets to live freely. Without it, you're powerless. Having rich parents and wealth available can help to compensate for physical ugliness imo.

But if someone, like me, comes from shitty poor parents. Then it's lose-lose situation. I'm poor, disabled, and seen as different. I've been called slurs— he-she, r'tard, and other ableist words. My family is nonexistent, and I've been abused, isolated, and trapped in a cycle of systemic psychiatric and judicial violence from the narc bullies who work in such institutions and get rich by abusing vulnerable people. My father abandoned his family easly, and while he faced no consequences, he never paid a euro, – I've paid for it my whole life.

I'm stuck in my room, endure years of isolation. I can't afford a lawyer, and the legal system doesn't help the Victims–it protects the privileged and offenders, and they are the core of normality. Also I've found the lawyers, medical workers, social workers, many come from richer households and are mostly right-wing/liberals. They see people like me as trash and their opinion is seen as more important because they are simply richer and a part of this society while victims aren't. We are similar to animals without any real rights and protection.

At the end, it's extreme unfair, that parents like mine – drug-addicted, broken, ugly – were allowed to have children. Now I have to suffer the consequences because richer people earn money from malevolent behavior towards us. The middle-class wage slaves just add more disadvantages, ensuring people like me stay poor forever. Because they and their rich employers make profit from abusing us, so they'll never lift a finger to help.

They made me to be a 'mentally ill criminal' or see me as 'parasite'. And they left me only with a small income from government aid. In Germany it's called Hartz4/Bürgergeld. I'm cut off from mainstream society. I can't even go outside without being insulted as ugly or a r'tard and looked at like I am a disease. They want that people like me die off, because they lack basic humanity. They discard and attack us–just like animals do with their weak, disabled or elderly. And the only "progress" they created before they throw us away is a system of exploitation, almost like parasites harvesting money from us. The whole "medical, care" and "mental health" and jail system is created for this. The institutions are also all connected to slaughterhouses. If you can read german, I recommend the book "Der chemische Knebel" by Peter Lehmann and Kerstin Kempker they explained the exploitative system. They explained the norm in I would say many nations. The normal people are ill like cancer cells.

Here in the southern u.s., they either put you in prison for being homeless (loitering, panhandling, living in your car) or they let you die in the street because there are too many indigents and not enough prisons. It doesn't matter if you're disabled either. They don't believe in government "hand outs" here.

Been told however there are self-sufficient vagrant communities living in the woods undetected because there is a lot of rural land here. Probably can't get away with that in Germany as there isn't as much open, unregulated land.

 

[The Disqualified]

I feel like I could have written this word for word. I was destined to be an outcast - there's just something in my neural pathways - my brain - that makes me so... alien, and unable to connect with 99.9% of people. It leaves me feeling so disconnected, so detached, lonely...

It is good to hear that you connected to it. I can definitely relate to feeling like something in your brain isn't quite right. Every interaction feels forced, rehearsed, a struggle. You end up feeling like you just can't connect to most people, like they live on a different frequency. It is a lonely and alienating feeling. I wish the best for you.

This is the most relatable post I have read on this site.

No matter how hard I try, I am unable to bond with most people, and all my interests/takes are niche. I also cannot understand other people because it seems like with half the shit they say, they mean the polar opposite. Literally every sentence in your post is me.

I am curious what your niche interests are?

Always down to chat if you want to make a new friend, but I don't have much time remaining in this world.

I am happy you connected to my words. I always had many interests, but my depression makes acting on them very difficult. I feel like I am never quite there. I really like Classical Music, specially Chopin, Liszt and some others. I like a variety of topics in media: games, movies, books. But as I said, I don't consume much media while depressed and don't keep up.
The way you say you don't have much time in this world sounds sad, but I hope you can find peace in your decision.
I am open to chat with anyone that feels interested and would like to talk about something. All I want is peace.