Venting I have been an outcast my whole life

[The Disqualified]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

 

[sapphirebunnie]

I really relate to you. Im so jealous of others who fit in so easily. I wish you the best.

 

[eladeselasol99]

Been there felt that, i am loner too til now never click with anyone. Best wishes for you dude.

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

Can strongly relate to you. I know it won't help much, but at least we can both feel a little less alone this way I hope.

 

[uselessmanz]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

I relate to this. It's gotten to the point where I think I live a triple life or more. When that hits me, there will be irreparable damage for me and others. That's why I want to die.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm 38 and I felt since I was just 5 years old that somehow I don't belong in this world. Nobody wanted to play with me even when I was just a little kid, and this continued my entire life. No friends, no love life, always alone, no job... just two cold parents in a loveless marriage.

 

[ilovemydog]

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

Sounds identical to my life

 

[pinkluvr]

Real asf. I've been trying so hard all my life to assimilate with my environment but it's clear no one wants me here. No friends, no social life. I hate being so used to it but I already know how everything goes once I meet somone new; they'll leave over time. I'm not worth staying around for. It sucks and I hate myself for my inabil to function normally

 

[Afterglow]

Some people just start the game already winning.

Some people are born with confidence, appearance, or social skills that make human connection come naturally. They fit into conversations without thinking about it. They find people who share their interests. They feel understood without having to put effort into explaining.

Others start on the other end. Social anxiety, awkwardness, niche interests. It feels like you're an alien. You can try to improve things, you can try to "put yourself out there" or "learn to socialize," but it never stops feeling forced.

I've always been the last pick, the backup option, the person people remember only after everyone else is already chosen.

I understand heavily, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it too.

 

[wishingiwasok]

Real asf. I've been trying so hard all my life to assimilate with my environment but it's clear no one wants me here. No friends, no social life. I hate being so used to it but I already know how everything goes once I meet somone new; they'll leave over time. I'm not worth staying around for. It sucks and I hate myself for my inabil to function normally

I totally get that. I finally learned around high school that if I caretake to people they'll let me hang around but when I needed something it was always a burden. And setting boundaries with people just resulted in being alone.

I have been an outcast ever since the day I was born. Always excluded and incapable of communicating with people. Always felt a strong social anxiety that never left me. Always carried an awkwardness and inability to bond with people.
I have lived mostly as a recluse, with niche interests, holding shallow friendships that I can't count on.
I live a double life, no one knows how I truly am in the inside. It would probably shock some, but for the worse for myself in the end. I don't want anyone near me to know. They wouldn't understand. I could never undestand people and I don't think I ever will. Places like this are the only ones I can see for a second a glimpse that there are others who have experienced similar suffering as mine.
The lives of other people are incomprehensible to me. I cannot understand their language, their actions, their motivations.
Specially where I live... no one shares the same interests, people are loud and noisy and I cannot connect with them. I am hopeless.
Their lives seem so... normal... and easier.

People sometimes complain about "the feeling of being left out".
I never felt "left out" because I was never "in" to begin with.
My whole life has been the life of a reject.
Feeling left out was never a distinct feeling, but the background of my existence.
And, despite my most sincere efforts, I cannot escape this burden.
That has been my life living in human society.

I cant say I live a double life because I consistently made the mistake of showing people who I am even though it made the rejection escalate to bullying/abuse. I wish I had had the internal wisdom to hide my social awkwardness better. I absolutely relate to feeling like rejection and exclusion is just a part of life rather than a momentary or situational feeling.