• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block.

N

noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
6,035
This story is kind of embarassing. I thought not to post it because I am scared of doxxing. But there is literally only one person who could identify me. I am not stable currently. I show psychotic symptoms. I am such a sick fuck when I think about me I have the urge to kill myself. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. In my language there is a similar term suicide fantasies that is quite fitting. I despise my family so much that they abused me.

This story is stupid. I accused a lecturer that he would bully me. He probably did not do something that bad. This is so cringeworthy. This makes me suicidal. The story goes as follows: He asked a question and I gave a wrong answer. He talked a little bit condescending about my answer. He repeated 3 times that it was wrong. This made me paranoid. I was paranoid anyway. I felt like he was bullying me. And I gave gim a very shocked gaze. Like why are you fucking bullying me. He was very irritated and said my answer might be correct despite the fact it is not. He later gave me a very angry gaze back.

Yeah the next day I was still puzzled. I am not sure how condescending his talk about my answer really was. I perceived it as very disrespectful. But this was probably only my mentally ill mind. I wrote him an e-mail that I am mentally ill (I used a pretext for the message) and that if he wants to talk to me we can do this the next time. He wants to speak to me soon. Damn he might be pretty angry. His reply was very friendly though.

Like the girl which I thought would have a crush on me we ignore each other since this weird incident. I feel comfortable with that. I treat her as if she was invisible and as if nothing happened.

But with him I don't know what to do. I cried 2,5 times about what he said about my answer. It quite triggered me but I think objectively it probably only was very harmless. I am not 100% what the truth is. I think I should assume that it was my fault. I am not stable currently it probably just was my deceived mind. I am not sure if I should straightaway apologize and promise that this won't happen again. I think I will do that. Maybe I should have done that in the e-mail.

I wish I could just ignore him for the rest of my lifetime. I consider to never raise again my hand in his lecture because I am so ashamed. I am such a sick fuck. I never want to be someone who molests other people due to my mental illness. This is one of my biggest fears. I don't think this fits 100% the defintion of molesting someone.

By the way he responded my e-mail after 5 minutes. Not sure what this means. It was very quick. Not sure what this means. I just want to fucking kill myself. Fuck my family they deserve the pain of my finding my dead body.

It will be so weird and cringeworthy to sit in his course knowing the lecturer is scared that one of his students goes insane. I wished I would kill myself and he knew that I offed myself because I am such a sick fuck. I am embarassed other people know that I am such a sick fuck. I wished they knew I gonna kill myself just in order to stop me from being such a sick fuck.

At least I am glad I can ignore the girl with the other weird incident. Not sure what she thinks about me. Maybe that I am insane.

Honestly fuck myself. Just fuck it. Fuck my life.
 
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
Reactions: _Seeking, Nolan96, Dead Meat and 2 others
Nolan96

Nolan96

Mage
Feb 12, 2022
506
I would say the chances of you seriously upsetting the professor are almost zero.

It sounds like what he did was impolite, but he probably was surprised when you had such a strong reaction.

You don't need to feel bad about what you did. You're fixating on it acutely right now, but just focus on your coursework and other subjects, and in time you'll both forget about this. Or at least he will certainly.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: _Seeking, OctoberDusk and noname223
N

noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
6,035
I would say the chances of you seriously upsetting the professor are almost zero.

It sounds like what he did was impolite, but he probably was surprised when you had such a strong reaction.

You don't need to feel bad about what you did. You're fixating on it acutely right now, but just focus on your coursework and other subjects, and in time you'll both forget about this. Or at least he will certainly.
Thanks for your kind words @Nolan96 They really comforted me.
Sending a lot of love and hugs back!
 
  • Love
Reactions: Nolan96
O

OctoberDusk

Member
Apr 26, 2022
64
Professors have to be on guard against an "ivory tower" mentality. Some do this better than others. Well, some don't really try to while others are very cautious. Depending on his age, experience, and his own education, he may have thought explaining the wrong answer and getting around to the correct one was the best method. It can be difficult, but I've seen similar done by a few professors, although it's been a while since I was in university. I don't think the instances I saw were intended as bullying.

From reading your post, my guess is that the professor meant to explain, possibly even somewhat harshly, but did not expect it to upset you this badly nor feel bullied. After learning that it did with your e-mail, it sounds to me like he wants to talk, figure out what best works for you, so you can learn from his class.

This is all speculation, of course, but if I were in your position I'd try to gain some perspective, see that he probably did not intend to harm, and go have a nice talk with him. Some of the wisest, most helpful things I have been told were from professors during office meetings.
 

Similar threads

bl33ding_heart
Replies
11
Views
452
Suicide Discussion
KimDokja
KimDokja
xX.mlnchli
Venting Wtf?
Replies
0
Views
170
Suicide Discussion
xX.mlnchli
xX.mlnchli
N
Replies
12
Views
649
Offtopic
Unsure and Useless
Unsure and Useless
Theforeverblind
Replies
5
Views
266
Suicide Discussion
eupdplishlp
eupdplishlp