Venting I have access to guns now. But I am hesitating, I hate this.

[milkinsideabag]

I have started shooting guns with family recently, for the first time in a long time. Shotguns, rifles, pistols, you name it. My dad has a gun closet, I could kill myself any week now it seems. I was always held back by my limited access to guns, now I have a gun in my hands basically every week now. But I am hesitating. I have been off of my medicine for a little bit, I finally convinced the doctor and my mom to get me off of it. All my other posts were made while I was on the medicine. It upsets me that I am hesitant, I have already had two full range days, shooting for fun and whatnot.

The little things are keeping me from what I want. I have a family that cares about me, they are not perfect by any means, they all have their array of flaws. I am tired of living for others, I am tired of holding onto hope for stupid things I don't care about. Cybersecurity interests me, I am getting an opportunity to talk to someone who works in that field over lunch/dinner soon. Friend of the family. My life from the outside looking in might seem to be looking up, things are improving in retrospect. But, I. Do. Not. Want. To. Live.

This mental block is torturing me, I should not care if people miss me, this is my choice. I am so sick and fucking tired of letting everything but me dictate what I do. How do I overcome this?

If you read all the way to the end, thank you.

 

[rottenflesh]

the hesitant feeling will go away with time, some random day youre gonna look at the guns and be like "ok thats it" but if you still have some hope because of little good things in your life maybe you should wait and live a little more

 

[logi3535]

I agree with rottenflesh, these things are so hard to actually commit to and require a lot of willpower. I've heard some people say that "when you know, you know and thats when its time" so maybe think about that too. I've been in your position too once, I had access to my fathers gun but i just couldn't go through with it, too many doubts had crossed my mind, and thinking about the people that did care for me really did it in for me, so i was unable to commit to it

 

[SexyIncél]

Ok, at least now you have the eject button. And can experience thinking off the medicine. This is an improvement

 

[milkinsideabag]

the hesitant feeling will go away with time, some random day youre gonna look at the guns and be like "ok thats it" but if you still have some hope because of little good things in your life maybe you should wait and live a little more

i feel as though if the guns were just laying on my bedroom floor, yes i would be gone by now, but they are at my dads house, i dont live with him, i dont have any guns where i live, which is what is making this take so long

I agree with rottenflesh, these things are so hard to actually commit to and require a lot of willpower. I've heard some people say that "when you know, you know and thats when its time" so maybe think about that too. I've been in your position too once, I had access to my fathers gun but i just couldn't go through with it, too many doubts had crossed my mind, and thinking about the people that did care for me really did it in for me, so i was unable to commit to it

that makes sense, i have access, its just not immediate, there are hurdles that have to be jumped and such, im not really left alone with a loaded gun, but maybe i could do something i hadnt thought of before

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I have started shooting guns with family recently, for the first time in a long time. Shotguns, rifles, pistols, you name it. My dad has a gun closet, I could kill myself any week now it seems. I was always held back by my limited access to guns, now I have a gun in my hands basically every week now. But I am hesitating. I have been off of my medicine for a little bit, I finally convinced the doctor and my mom to get me off of it. All my other posts were made while I was on the medicine. It upsets me that I am hesitant, I have already had two full range days, shooting for fun and whatnot.

How does it feel to be off meds?

The little things are keeping me from what I want. I have a family that cares about me, they are not perfect by any means, they all have their array of flaws. I am tired of living for others, I am tired of holding onto hope for stupid things I don't care about. Cybersecurity interests me, I am getting an opportunity to talk to someone who works in that field over lunch/dinner soon. Friend of the family. My life from the outside looking in might seem to be looking up, things are improving in retrospect. But, I. Do. Not. Want. To. Live.

You're not obligated to live for anyone if you don't want to. Your suffering can be greater than anyone's remorse would be, and if your social relationships that others offer you are not fulfilling to you, that is not your fault. And lol, we don't have to pretend to love working if it's not the case. (That's how I'm interpreting your sentences in conjunction, sorry if I got it wrong.) That's a capitalist myth. Do you have any hobbies you keep with right now?

This mental block is torturing me, I should not care if people miss me, this is my choice. I am so sick and fucking tired of letting everything but me dictate what I do. How do I overcome this?

Think about how much suffering you feel, how long you'd feel it, and how it would compare to the suffering others would feel over your death, and for how long. For some people, their suffering is far greater than anyone else's grief could ever be. But you also have to consider that grief lasts an entire lifetime, because you'll never return. Do you think this feeling could pass?

that makes sense, i have access, its just not immediate, there are hurdles that have to be jumped and such, im not really left alone with a loaded gun, but maybe i could do something i hadnt thought of before

Someone survived a gun suicide and it was not pretty. The video was shared here a few days ago I think. They got a whole new face and it really looked like rough business. Consider the possibility of surviving haha, painful. Personally not my taste.

 

[milkinsideabag]

How does it feel to be off meds?

You're not obligated to live for anyone if you don't want to. Your suffering can be greater than anyone's remorse would be, and if your social relationships that others offer you are not fulfilling to you, that is not your fault. And lol, we don't have to pretend to love working if it's not the case. (That's how I'm interpreting your sentences in conjunction, sorry if I got it wrong.) That's a capitalist myth. Do you have any hobbies you keep with right now?


Think about how much suffering you feel, how long you'd feel it, and how it would compare to the suffering others would feel over your death, and for how long. For some people, their suffering is far greater than anyone else's grief could ever be. But you also have to consider that grief lasts an entire lifetime, because you'll never return. Do you think this feeling could pass?

Someone survived a gun suicide and it was not pretty. The video was shared here a few days ago I think. They got a whole new face and it really looked like rough business. Consider the possibility of surviving haha, painful. Personally not my taste.

1. It feels better to be off the meds, I feel like I can think more clearly. It was such torture to zone out to another galaxy every time I started to concentrate on a negative thought.

2. Thank you, I think you're right, I am just held back by sympathy. I needed to hear that. As for hobbies, most of my time is spent on computers, but I have been starting to get more into guns, for more reasons than one. I have been taking guitar and drum lessons for over a year now, I do not really enjoy them but my mom requires I keep taking them.

3. There have been times when things got so bad that I didn't care anymore, I have been in rougher spots than I am in right now, but I am still suffering immensely. I want this feeling to pass again. Sometimes I hope my mom dies so that I'd be more inclined to do it. Gun suicide just really seems like my best bet, I want to use a 12 gauge shotgun. But man, that makes the guilty feeling worse, walking in and seeing my brain across the room from where my body is will not be a good sight.

4. I have done my fair share of research, people fail gun suicides for a variety of reasons, from too low of a caliber, to aiming at the wrong spot. I plan to use a shotgun, hence, caliber will not be an issue. Also, I will aim for the brain stem, medulla oblongata, or the (pink circle) as I once saw in a diagram on this site. If I shoot myself with a gun, I will not survive, there are certain conditions that just make survival impossible, and those are the conditions I plan on putting in place to receive instant death.

Thank you for reading my post and putting effort into a response, I appreciate it a lot.