I have a friend who is also depressed with suicidal ideation. Who talks openly about it with everyone.

[watchingthebuses]

And I can't help but feel contempt. I feel guilty because I don't want to belittle their suffering. I feel like I'm almost one-upping in my head when they mention things. Like, when they mention that they started antidepressant in college because they realized it wasn't normal to think about suicide everyday. But that has been my life since my age was in a single digit... And just always talking about telling their therapist that they want to yeet off from high building. How school made depression worse that they had to increase their SSRI dose.

Maybe I am being a gatekeeper elitist because I'm jealous that they were able to get help and talk openly about it. It's frustrating to hear them talk like I don't know anything. Like how they're the weird one and we normal folks don't understand.

I'm not going to lie, I had to on multiple occasion shut my mouth before slipping the info about this place, I would love to bond with someone over common desire to catch the bus lol. But I think they would actually report me if I do. Even though they're so open about it, I can't trust them precisely because of it. And I guess, if they're talking to the therapist and actively trying to work on getting rid of suicide ideation they wouldn't agree that everyone deserves a choice to ctb... I think it triggers me that I internalize all of these thoughts and have to pretend everything is okay while they are able to talk openly about it.

That's the end of my rant sorry I just wanted to get that off my chest. Appreciate yall.

 

[Holu]

Nah, I'm lowkey the same way lmao. In highschool I use to HATE emos and goths since it always struck me as a fad/posers. I also despise mental health preachers since it's usually people who from my perspective experienced mild anxiety or claim to be "depressed".

In all honesty, it's rather self reflective for you acknowledge possible jealousy, since I always just bitterly held it against them. It's very much possible I just envy the extra attention more open people receive.

Something I've come to realize is that it's more likely due to them experiencing such issues when they are older and have a stronger community. Being put into therapy since I was 6 cuz I was a SHing overly anxious child has DRAMATICALLY altered my perception of the world. Shit kinda pushes you into a corner of nihilism and hatred towards life.

As for suffering in silence honestly I can't really see an alternative. To me, the attention I would receive would make me feel even shittier in all honesty. I don't want or need people to think worry, nor do I see how it would really help.

Ultimately tho, you really don't know what people are goin thru. Not that it means much, since personally I'm still gonna view them as fuckers but it's nothing crazy.

 

[watchingthebuses]

Something I've come to realize is that it's more likely due to them experiencing such issues when they are older and have a stronger community.

Wow that's actually really great insight, I have not thought of that. You're probably right, they had a time in their life they can retrospectively compare for baseline normalcy.

As for suffering in silence honestly I can't really see an alternative. To me, the attention I would receive would make me feel even shittier in all honesty. I don't want or need people to think worry, nor do I see how it would really help.

Totally. I don't know if I would ever open up to anyone ever, except here in anonymity online lol. Sometimes the feeling of loneliness just hits you, particularly when you see others being able to do something you wish you could I guess.

Thanks for your comment, it brought up really good points that I haven't thought about before.