Shimidori
make me sad
- Dec 22, 2023
- 45
Today, I had a rather heated discussion with my brother, and it just makes me realize that my life is basically built on top of guilt and self hatred.
He was scolding me over why I can't find a job, and me, knowing exactly what he's saying, could only nod and look away, unable to meet his eyes from pure embarrasment. But then, he started telling me about a brain scan he has to do on the following days, acting "surprised" when I didn't know about it (Read: my parents told me shit about it), and then began blaming me for it, saying that he "Worries a lot about me", and blaming that on why his head was hurting so much.
...And, what am I even supposed to say? I live with enough guilt going through life, unable to find a job or find the motivation to do anything, and now he wants me to live with even more guilt, making me believe that if there's something wrong with his brain, it is all my fault. It can never be anything else, it must *always* go back to me being who I am for this family of mine.
At this point, they should look at me hanging myself as a favour I'm doing to them, seeing how I am at fault for so much wrong in their lives, maybe they'll understand once I'm gone that they can't just put all of their blame on one person and then act surprised when they simply want nothing to do with them.
He was scolding me over why I can't find a job, and me, knowing exactly what he's saying, could only nod and look away, unable to meet his eyes from pure embarrasment. But then, he started telling me about a brain scan he has to do on the following days, acting "surprised" when I didn't know about it (Read: my parents told me shit about it), and then began blaming me for it, saying that he "Worries a lot about me", and blaming that on why his head was hurting so much.
...And, what am I even supposed to say? I live with enough guilt going through life, unable to find a job or find the motivation to do anything, and now he wants me to live with even more guilt, making me believe that if there's something wrong with his brain, it is all my fault. It can never be anything else, it must *always* go back to me being who I am for this family of mine.
At this point, they should look at me hanging myself as a favour I'm doing to them, seeing how I am at fault for so much wrong in their lives, maybe they'll understand once I'm gone that they can't just put all of their blame on one person and then act surprised when they simply want nothing to do with them.
