i hate that i can’t stop thinking about it

[todestrieb]

I wake up every day and think about it. I want to be with my husband. I was scrolling through tiktok and ran across some bullshit tarot card reading and while to me that's all shenanigans, the fact that these people prey on individuals with lost loved ones drives me insane. After my husband ctb I went out of my way to get therapy, go back to Church, get my medicine straight. I stuff it down every day, but that one tiktok threw me over the edge and I hate it.

I just wanted my mom and dad back. I wanted my kid to be nice to me. I wanted my husband to pick me and stay. I just wanted him to fight his demons like I do, to quit hurting me.. I don't hold it against him, knowing he must have felt the way I do but I was his catalyst. It wrecks my soul every day. If I hadn't done this, or that, he'd at least still be here for his own kid. I'd take a thousand years of punishment to bring him back, to take his place.

Instead I became a shell of the person I thought I was, and now my mental health has cost me literally everything and everybody. My kid left me alone too, which I also don't hold against him, I'd probably leave me too if I went through what I put him through. I sit here in an empty house, looking at my dog knowing he's the only thing keeping me here. I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough to go through it. I wonder if it'll stop. I take responsibility for myself, I know what I did wrong, but… I can't help but think that I'm just going through the motions, but why waste the time and space to be miserable? I don't know. Who does?

I'll try again in the morning to fight through, but I am very tired and very… at peace knowing that I could make it stop if I wanted to. It's a contented feeling. I even spent some time at work browsing the lab closet to see if anything struck my fancy. It was like shopping for candy, felt weird but delightful. Cathartic.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but tonight I will take my anxiety medication, cry this out, and hope that whatever direction I walk will be the right one.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot even imagine how hard it must be, what you are going through. Life really is so cruel and painful. I hope that in whatever you decide to do, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Ash’Girl]

There are many things you have said here that mirror myself. Since my love passed, I haven't found a single moment of joy in life. My mental health has spiralled again and ctb is all I think about, even when I am seemingly "functioning" to others.

It's never from my mind. Sometimes it gives me peace, knowing I could end it all, if I figure out how to succeed and fight the SI, the SI that I don't really understand why it kicks in, when I honestly know beyond all doubt I want this life to be over.

I go through the motions like a robot.

I am sorry life has caused you such pain.

 

[nixdeath]

Your situation seems terrible, I'm very sorry. The loss of a loved one is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. I wish you peace whichever way you may search for it.

 

[Another Day Empty]

I wake up every day and think about it. I want to be with my husband. I was scrolling through tiktok and ran across some bullshit tarot card reading and while to me that's all shenanigans, the fact that these people prey on individuals with lost loved ones drives me insane. After my husband ctb I went out of my way to get therapy, go back to Church, get my medicine straight. I stuff it down every day, but that one tiktok threw me over the edge and I hate it.

I just wanted my mom and dad back. I wanted my kid to be nice to me. I wanted my husband to pick me and stay. I just wanted him to fight his demons like I do, to quit hurting me.. I don't hold it against him, knowing he must have felt the way I do but I was his catalyst. It wrecks my soul every day. If I hadn't done this, or that, he'd at least still be here for his own kid. I'd take a thousand years of punishment to bring him back, to take his place.

Instead I became a shell of the person I thought I was, and now my mental health has cost me literally everything and everybody. My kid left me alone too, which I also don't hold against him, I'd probably leave me too if I went through what I put him through. I sit here in an empty house, looking at my dog knowing he's the only thing keeping me here. I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough to go through it. I wonder if it'll stop. I take responsibility for myself, I know what I did wrong, but… I can't help but think that I'm just going through the motions, but why waste the time and space to be miserable? I don't know. Who does?

I'll try again in the morning to fight through, but I am very tired and very… at peace knowing that I could make it stop if I wanted to. It's a contented feeling. I even spent some time at work browsing the lab closet to see if anything struck my fancy. It was like shopping for candy, felt weird but delightful. Cathartic.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but tonight I will take my anxiety medication, cry this out, and hope that whatever direction I walk will be the right one.

I'm in tears over the similarities between myself and some of the things you've described you're going through. I guess I can just really relate to the emotional aspect of it most of all, even though I'm not a mother or a wife that has been through the things you have. I truly hope you find something else to say that you live for, after you find yourself and live for you. I'm not usually one to get into others business, but if you ever wanted someone else to try and talk with about whatever, I'm here to listen and talk.
I hope things improve for you and you find the respite you deserve,
John

 

[Hollowillow]

I wake up every day and think about it. I want to be with my husband. I was scrolling through tiktok and ran across some bullshit tarot card reading and while to me that's all shenanigans, the fact that these people prey on individuals with lost loved ones drives me insane. After my husband ctb I went out of my way to get therapy, go back to Church, get my medicine straight. I stuff it down every day, but that one tiktok threw me over the edge and I hate it.

I just wanted my mom and dad back. I wanted my kid to be nice to me. I wanted my husband to pick me and stay. I just wanted him to fight his demons like I do, to quit hurting me.. I don't hold it against him, knowing he must have felt the way I do but I was his catalyst. It wrecks my soul every day. If I hadn't done this, or that, he'd at least still be here for his own kid. I'd take a thousand years of punishment to bring him back, to take his place.

Instead I became a shell of the person I thought I was, and now my mental health has cost me literally everything and everybody. My kid left me alone too, which I also don't hold against him, I'd probably leave me too if I went through what I put him through. I sit here in an empty house, looking at my dog knowing he's the only thing keeping me here. I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough to go through it. I wonder if it'll stop. I take responsibility for myself, I know what I did wrong, but… I can't help but think that I'm just going through the motions, but why waste the time and space to be miserable? I don't know. Who does?

I'll try again in the morning to fight through, but I am very tired and very… at peace knowing that I could make it stop if I wanted to. It's a contented feeling. I even spent some time at work browsing the lab closet to see if anything struck my fancy. It was like shopping for candy, felt weird but delightful. Cathartic.

Who knows what tomorrow might bring, but tonight I will take my anxiety medication, cry this out, and hope that whatever direction I walk will be the right one.

Did I missunderstand or you really said that your husband hit you? I'd tell you to divorse his ghost but marriages end when death take you apart.

Maybe he was a narcissist who enslaved you and now you don't know who you are.

Cry it all out. Join cool clubs. Make female friends. Do art even if it's ugly, abstract is cool, garden, cook, sport, get out, bring the dog in parks, talk to cute guys.

Psychiatric drug cause anxiety depression psychosis

Vitamin b can heal psychosis, because a deficiency cause it

Depression, c, b, magnesium, d... Get some sun.

I should follow my own advice but I have wounds & traumas.

Maybe sell the house and get an appartment where you can reinvent yourself nevermind that sucks. Redecorate the house. It triggets memories. Refresh your fate.

Killing yourself to see someone who abused you again... Saddest reason... See it like a vacation, a reward. Pamper yourself. You can kill yourself later. Go to a spa and stuff before you go. Live a little.

 

[actual_fox]

Sorry that your husband died and left you like that. Human life is a tragedy, we feel too much, we suffer, we have hopes and desires. We loose things and people.

Please have mercy on your husband, he must be sorry to leave you like this, I would. Is there anything that he could do to make his leave more bearable ?