Venting I hate myself

[GlutenFreeCat]

I can't see the good in me. I can't see any reason why the people in my life that love me, love me. Logically, I must have some worth, otherwise, these people wouldn't remind me from time to time of their love for me but I just can't see it no matter how hard I try. I can't see a single redeeming quality in myself. I can't see any reason at all why I should keep going forward with my miserable existence. I have decent family and a girlfriend that absolutely adores me but it all feels so empty. I just want to fucking run away from it all! These thoughts I have make me feel so guilty, like why the fuck am I feeling this way and want to kill myself even though my life really isn't that bad when compared to how others have it? It could be so much worse. Maybe then it would be justifiable to feel this way.. guilt about it feeds into my self hatred which in turn makes me want to die even more.

Recently a coworker approached me to ask if I'm okay, she point blank asked "are you sad?", to which I replied, yes and went into some of the shitty things that have happened that make me feel the way I feel. Now she goes out of her way to avoid me. Her reaction afterward just reinforced all of the negative shit I think and feel about myself on a daily basis. People and their problems are sticky I guess. Who wants a debbie downer latching themselves on to you? I it would have been one thing if I trauma dumped without her approaching me first but idk.. I just feel even more isolated than before.

I've struggled with depression off and on for most of my life and this is the latest round of severe depression. I'm having an extremely difficult time seeing any reason I should keep going. Every other thought I have is of how much I want to die. It keeps me up all night and if I am lucky and get a few hours of sleep, it's the first thought I have when I wake up. I'm just ready for the end.

This, assuming I go through with it, will be the third time I've stood at this precipice in anticipation of the jump. Hopefully third time's the charm?

I have a plan and all the materials I'll need to carry it out. Have a time and a place picked out.. I guess it's just a waiting game at this point.

 

[wanttodie]

me to i hate my life and want to die

 

[Vesiira]

I can't see the good in me. I can't see any reason why the people in my life that love me, love me. Logically, I must have some worth, otherwise, these people wouldn't remind me from time to time of their love for me but I just can't see it no matter how hard I try. I can't see a single redeeming quality in myself. I can't see any reason at all why I should keep going forward with my miserable existence. I have decent family and a girlfriend that absolutely adores me but it all feels so empty. I just want to fucking run away from it all! These thoughts I have make me feel so guilty, like why the fuck am I feeling this way and want to kill myself even though my life really isn't that bad when compared to how others have it? It could be so much worse. Maybe then it would be justifiable to feel this way.. guilt about it feeds into my self hatred which in turn makes me want to die even more.

Recently a coworker approached me to ask if I'm okay, she point blank asked "are you sad?", to which I replied, yes and went into some of the shitty things that have happened that make me feel the way I feel. Now she goes out of her way to avoid me. Her reaction afterward just reinforced all of the negative shit I think and feel about myself on a daily basis. People and their problems are sticky I guess. Who wants a debbie downer latching themselves on to you? I it would have been one thing if I trauma dumped without her approaching me first but idk.. I just feel even more isolated than before.

I've struggled with depression off and on for most of my life and this is the latest round of severe depression. I'm having an extremely difficult time seeing any reason I should keep going. Every other thought I have is of how much I want to die. It keeps me up all night and if I am lucky and get a few hours of sleep, it's the first thought I have when I wake up. I'm just ready for the end.

This, assuming I go through with it, will be the third time I've stood at this precipice in anticipation of the jump. Hopefully third time's the charm?

I have a plan and all the materials I'll need to carry it out. Have a time and a place picked out.. I guess it's just a waiting game at this point.

I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I relate to this a lot, especially the fact that you feel that you should be happy but aren't. Things were so awful for a while, but have gotten mildly better. This great person has entered my life, but I feel I don't deserve them. My depression keeps yelling at me that it will all get bad again. I hate it. The constant loop of thoughts is so tiring, that you want death so bad in order for it to all go away. I hope those thoughts let go of you a bit. If they don't I hope whichever way you go (if/when you do) that you find your peace. <3 Always a message away.

 

[just_a_guy]

I can relate to this. I used to hate myself and go through the motions of self induced mental abuse on a daily basis. I believe with self loathing, you need to approach the situation as if you're two different people.

This is because right now all you're hearing is that voice telling you you're a POS and what you need is an advocate who will fight this voice back to the shadows. The one thing I realised at the time is that you will never fight for yourself when you hate yourself. But you can do that if you handle it like an internal debate.

Start by seeing anything good in yourself. It can be something small but you need to wake your good cop (GC) up.
Once you can see these good things, give GC a voice. Start arguing with that voice that tells you how bad you are. As you do this, you'll start to see more good things about yourself and you'll grow an appreciation and gratitude for parts of who you are and things around you.
During this process have patience with yourself. I can't stress how important this is. You're going to mess up and disappoint yourself but it's crucial to not let these situations give the bad voice fuel.

It's a process, it's going to be tough but it's worth it. I still get my days but it's so much better than before. Good luck

 

[Rev346]

Most people are scared to know how other people really feel. It's why we usually say "I'm doing ok" when asked. Your coworker has shown that they aren't reliable so they made it easy for you to cut them out of your personal circle. We all have redeeming qualities but it's not always easy to find them. I wish you the best of luck in your journey, whatever it may be.

 

[greatgooglymoogly]

This great person has entered my life, but I feel I don't deserve them.

This is one of the hardest feelings for me.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Sorry your co - worker was so negative towards you.
I think most people these days have a shocking lack of empathy.

 

[Jolene79]

Most people don't want to hear the truth. It isn't personal to you so could you see it as the flaws of humanity. You aren't the problem. You were just honest.

I found a counsellor some years ago and that along with starting sertraline changed my life after about 2 months. For some these meds aren't tolerated. I can't tolerate them now. I am here now due to severe physical illness. I'd never really tell anyone the extent of my feelings like I tell my counsellor. That probably kept me going for so long tbh. People out there just don't listen. No one really listens as everyone is too busy thinking about themselves. I appreciate there are some really bad ones out there. Just wondering if that's an option for you. Obviously you have to hide the fact you feel suicidal which makes it hard. I don't deny how I feel but I'm in the UK. There's no money to be made and no resources to forcibly section here which is something.

I wonder why you feel so bad about yourself when you're loved and feel cared for. I don't know if you're neurodivergent in some way but see that is a common theme on here. I find that so sad and unfair. I imagine like so many people on here of all places that you're actually a really wonderful decent kind and sensitive person inside. Life is very difficult for so many like this. It really is unfair.