I hate myself

[Seekingawayout]

I thought I could just sleep a bit, wake up when everyone else is still in bed, then do it. But I've lost my nerve again. Time is running out for me to get this done today. I know I'm going to regret not getting this done, like I have regretted not getting this done all week. But right now, in this moment I just want to go back to sleep. Actually, the urge to go back to sleep is pretty strong. I didn't sleep much at all. Maybe that's why I don't have the nerve right now. I'm still very sleepy. Maybe it's best I don't try this right now. I might mess up the set up and just end up with a knot undoing itself and me slamming into the floor.
I hate myself for not getting this done a week ago. I hate myself for swinging between determination and overwhelming anxiety.
Maybe I can go back to bed now, but excuse myself to my room super early in the evening, then spend however much time I need to prepare myself. I just hope don't lose my nerve again later.

 

[Lone_Traveler90]

We are here for you

 

[Seekingawayout]

We are here for you

Thank you

 

[Jadzia]

Sending hugs

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly- I know it's frustrating but I think you're wise for holding off for now. Most attempts that fail, seem to because they weren't properly prepared, or the person was found and 'saved'. It makes a lot of sense to wait until the conditions are best.

 

[Seekingawayout]

Honestly- I know it's frustrating but I think you're wise for holding off for now. Most attempts that fail, seem to because they weren't properly prepared, or the person was found and 'saved'. It makes a lot of sense to wait until the conditions are best.

I had the best opportunity last weekend. But I couldn't over come the urge to stand when I started to black out. Now I have a plan for that, but I'm starting to think one of the people I live with might suspect something because for the last 2 days he hasn't left me alone. He only leaves me alone when I'm asleep, then he finally goes to bed. Which is why I thought I'll sleep a couple hours, then do it while he's still asleep. Ugh. I don't know how to get him off my back.

 

[whywere]

Having no family nor friends except everyone here and I consider you family. With that aspect said, sending you lots of huge hugs, love, kindness and the knowledge that you are a very important person.

I am NOT pro anything, but ctb is one and done and I am around if you want to talk.

Lots of sunny blue skies, warm breezes and lots of love to you.

Walter

 

[Seekingawayout]

Having no family nor friends except everyone here and I consider you family. With that aspect said, sending you lots of huge hugs, love, kindness and the knowledge that you are a very important person.

I am NOT pro anything, but ctb is one and done and I am around if you want to talk.

Lots of sunny blue skies, warm breezes and lots of love to you.

Walter

I'm sure I want to go. I just wish I had some other method to do so with. If I had SN, and was confident I could absorb enough even though I'm missing a good portion of small intestine that causes malabsorption issues, I'd do it without a 2nd thought.
If I could have gotten tourniquet to work like my successful trial run I'd be gone already. I had no SI sitting in my bed, twisting the tourniquet. I just apparently have an aversion to passing out while upright. I would just go with one of the lying down partial positions if I was confident that convulsions wouldn't easily lessen pressure in that position.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so frustrated being trapped in that situation and it must be so tiring. It's really so incredibly unfair how suicide is this difficult and how we have to struggle so much in finding ways to die. But I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Seekingawayout]

I understand why you would feel so frustrated being trapped in that situation and it must be so tiring. It's really so incredibly unfair how suicide is this difficult and how we have to struggle so much in finding ways to die. But I hope that you eventually find the freedom that you wish for.

Thanks. I think I'm just going to have to go about it differently. Haven't worked out quite how yet. I just know I can't face another tomorrow. I guess I'll go to my room, lock the door and regardless if they are up or not when I get the nerve, just go for it as soon as I get the courage.