i hate myself

[Nikki2020]

for 2 days i post poned ctb. the first night i accidentally fell asleep. the 2nd night. (last night) I was just so afraid. any tips on over coming survival instincts and worries? im so upset with myself. why is this so hard for me. I'm ready. i have the sn. i know i want to do it. but fear is a fking bitch. i worry i will throw up and be heard or be in pain somehow. fck! having anxiety while trying to ctb is awful. :( pls don't say maybe I'm not ready. i really need out of here every minute i suffer literally.

 

[sleeps]

i sympathize i think it takes a hell of a lot of guts to follow through on an attempt, no matter how sure and ready you are. i'll probably try taking some xanax to calm my nerves before i give it a go.

wishing you peace

 

[SebVettel5]

I'm in the same position as you. I kept postponing for 2 months, but I think it's the time for me now.
Too tired to live, too afraid to ctb, that's all!

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that to overcome the SI, it's just a feeling that the person had that they know that it was time to leave, or maybe they just got so desperate to escape. But of course those who have managed to actually overcome the SI are no longer here to answer.
After all ctb is not always easy, even know I wish that it was. I think that many people struggle with these fears, if only ctb is as easy as just choosing to never wake again, then that would be ideal.
I wish you the best.

 

[Emmie]

On the day I take my SN I plan to go on a very long hike before I start my fast so I can burn off a lot of my anxiety. And during the eight-hour fast period I will do a three-minute guided meditation excercise as often as I need to to help keep me grounded and calm. See meditation number 8: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/mindfulness-meditation-downloads/

Best of luck to you.

 

[HerculePoirot]

Possibly some alcohol will inhibit the survival instinct?

 

[makethepainstop]

Si can disable even the best laid plans. Failure is just a rehearsal for success. As I like to say only you can know what is right for you.

 

[farakini]

Thinking of all the things that made me suicidal, usually helps to suppress my fear.

 

[Nikki2020]

Possibly some alcohol will inhibit the survival instinct?

they say alcohol is not good to mix with sn. :(

 

[HerculePoirot]

they say alcohol is not good to mix with sn. :(

And what if you get drunk 30 minutes before?

 

[Nikki2020]

And what if you get drunk 30 minutes before?

I dont know. :(

 

[Nikki2020]

im still fking here. FUK!

 

[Forever Sleep]

im still fking here. FUK!

Sending you a big virtual hug. . Honestly, I'm sure I'd be EXACTLY the same in your position. Even thinking about it makes me nervous.

I wish I knew what to say to help. I guess- just try and be patient with yourself. Try not to berate yourself. It's not an easy thing to do.

And what if you get drunk 30 minutes before?

I'm no expert but have read posts from people here that are obviously more knowledgeable. I think the reasoning behind fasting and definitely NOT consuming alcohol- especially in excess is: SN is a poison. Therefore- even with an antiemetic, the body will likely want to vomit it back up. The goal is to get as much SN absorbed as possible in as shorter time. Alcohol is also a poison- so- it seems wise to not initially 'upset' the stomach with one poison (especially with no/little food in it) before you take another one.

Also- the idea I believe behind the water fast for 2 hours before is so that the body is already 'thirsty'- so again- the water plus SN is more likely to be absorbed rather than thrown back up. I guess alcohol is actually a dehydrant- so I'm not sure this would apply so much but that is my understanding of the 'science.' Like I say though- I'm no expert- just regurgitating stuff I've read (and hopefully remembered correctly.)