Venting I hate my life, I hate it so much

[milliecoyote]

This is my first post, I'm unsure if it might get taken down or what not. I just want to be heard. I tried venting to my fiancé but idk it doesn't feel right so I decided to vent here. I just want to say that I'm lazy, I'm a coward and well I guess you could say I do almost all the deadly 7 sins if you know them. My life has come to a point where it's unbearable. Back in high school or well in my senior year, I hated school but I loved my life so much, I was looking forward to my future without worries. But then my life crumbled 3 years later and here we are. I was at college, I had a car, I have a drivers license, I was trying to get a job, I had tuition money, good relationship with my parents and a bf at that time before he became my fiance. Now, I sort of blame my fiance for ruining my life, I really don't want people to say to break up or whatever but the reason why I'm still with him is due to personal reasons and I'm not revealing why he ruined my life. I'd prefer that subject not to be touched. Other than that, yeah I lost a lot of tuition money, my car, the relationship with my parents and college. I got rejected from jobs. I never really had a job. I tried to get by with art commissions but I'm not that big in the internet and I choose not to get bigger, I would rather have a small internet presence. Honestly I've never been this suicidal before. In the past I wouldn't even think about killing myself, or what I see here, ctb? I may have misremembered idk sorry if the acronym is wrong. I have enlisted in the army, still getting processed, delayed entry because I'm overweight which I blame my parents from a young age and my mom has a compulsive disorder which causes her to constantly fill up the fridge to the point a therapist can't even help her. I was before our relationship got strained, but after it did, she then told me, it's a life style choice… hah, when she was aware it was a compulsive disorder she wanted to change but that two faced bitch has the audacity to say that. My fiance had a small part in ruining my life, well, unintentionally he is nice but idk maybe it's just me for how overly sensitive I am and my anger issues. My mom, she is the reason why I want to fucking die. I'm not gonna ctb but I always think about it. I've never done sh, pain scares me a lot, which is why I might get my contract cancelled in the military in 2 weeks which I supposedly ship out. I've struggled exercising, because it involved exhaustion and pain. I know i get happy after a walk but when it's the next day I don't walk as I get anxiety attacks and bed rot. Then I feel horrible for not walking. I tried training with the recruit but the 2 times I did I felt so weak in the middle of the work out, was the first one to not keep up and give up easily, feel like vomiting. I just don't know how people exercise and enjoy it. I've been told things I never knew before like eat before exercising and it has to be certain foods and not a lot. Idk next time they bring me to their recruiting office to exercise I'll do that before I go. I was supposed to go today but I powered off my phone due to the anxiety attacks and what not and me not wanting to go make quick food in the kitchen in fear my dumbass bitch two faced mom would talk to me. So yeah, tbh this day is so shit. I just, I have no will to live yet I sit here about to eat some yummy food. I hate my life so much. I have a roof over my head, parents who betrayed me but still want to help me, food, shower yeah. But, why do I feel so unhappy, I was never this suicidal before, I have never done drugs but at times I'm thinking what if drinking works but Im aware it destroys my liver so hmm no thx lol. But hhdhdhdhdhdg I just, I so badly wanted to tell my mom i wanted to kill myself because of you when she asked what's your plan when I said my contract might get cancelled due to my measurements. Idk I just, I really wished today was gonna be better but no. Idk everytime she talks to me she ruins my day bc she acts dumb and sometimes idk tries to hurt me subtly. It makes me want to rip off my skin. What's sad is that I'm a Christian, no denomination, but I'm suffering this much. I'm not gonna ever try to ctb due to my beliefs but man, I wish if I did ctb there would be a better place for me but well, to each their own. I never really wanted to post here but it's gotten to a point where I have to. TL;DR I'm lazy, coward who doesn't wanna exercise to loose weight to meet quota for army which might get my contract cancelled, my life used to be better before I enlisted but due to my mom being a bitch and family relationship is now strained due to my fiancé's decisions which affected me and my family it took away my good life, my tuition, car, good relationships. Now I'm here in my room, haven't cleaned it in a while, floor is trashed. Also one more thing, I'm so used to drinking water bottles, my mom said she isn't gonna get them anymore after decades of getting it, so I refill water in the plastic water bottle but tap water makes me dizzy and reluctant to drink as much so I feel weaker and dehydrated since the taste is yucky (I have ASD so I'm very picky with taste). Fml I hope I don't need to post here again bc if I do, then it's because I'm at the brink of its thanks for reading.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Life is a rollercoaster. You have your ups, and you have your downs. It's up to you if you want the downs to hold you back. All you can do is push past those and keep going forward, and learn from the past to improve your future.

I've had my rollercoaster rides, but the downs always overrode the ups. My health has gone to shit, and I'm tired of the constant physical pain.

Ctb is usually the last resort for people. Once you do it, you can't undo it. There is no coming back. Please make this the absolute last thing you want to do, and completely think it through.

Many hugs, and I hope things will start looking up.