Venting I hate it how stuck we are

[dinosavr]

I'm usually not too concerned about it and I ignore it but sometimes it just hits me…
How fucked up this is that we have to test these fucking chemicals on our bodies. We have to tie ropes on our necks and try to find the right spot to pass out. We cut our bodies, we pull out our hair, we hit ourselves, we hate our bodies and our minds.
And no one seems to try and understand it. And no one really wants to help.
They want to talk us out of dying and that's it. Then you're on your own. They even want to take away the last place where we can ACTUALLY support each other which is SaSu.
You feel your life is at danger? Reach out for help! You have suicidal thoughts? Go see a psychiatrist! AND THEN WHAT?
I did. I reached out. I talked about it. With the details and much honesty. Not once.
I don't even remember the reaction of my therapist. I just talked about it, she asked questions blah blah blah made me promise I won't kill myself and boom, on our next session she didn't even mention that. Not a word. To a lost person who struggles so much that doesn't even want to breathe anymore. Instead, she asked me what I had for dinner :')
So what now? In general I can assume she's a good therapist. She has great reviews etc, it seems unlikely to find someone better. I mean, it's not her who sucks but the system. Same thing with my psychiatrist. I can see her trying to adjust my medication to make it work. But it just doesn't. and I can't really imagine it working, ever. How on earth can I ever actually want to live again? No way.
So I still don't want to exist. Still don't know how to handle the easiest things in my life. Still have no idea how am I supposed to get through every single damn day.

But I'm not an ant or another fucking mosquito or anything to die just like that. Even though I see no depth in humans existence, I'm still scared… and simply overwhelmed by having my oxygen level drop or neck squeezed or veins cut open or organs smashed on the concrete or got knows what else. Is it too much to ask to have a possibility to go to sleep and never have to wake up ever again?? Please? Haven't we suffered enough? What's the use of us here anyway? :(

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, I hate pro lifers for making us rely on brutal and risky methods if we were to ctb. It'd be understandable if a peaceful method was impossible to make but the thing is that a peaceful method does exist (nembutal) and humans could make methods even more peaceful with the knowledge that they have. Nonetheless, they continue to force us to live to become slaves to society and the way they force us is by using deterrence. I don't like human beings at all.

Nonetheless, whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck and that you find peace soon

 

[ringo99]

I don't know if you've seen Futurama but it has these suicide booths here you can painlessly disintegrate yourself and no one judges you for it. Every now and then I dream of a device like that being available to hopeless losers like me. Press a button and you cease existing. Incredible that even a cartoon from the 2000s is rational about people's feelings on suicide but nope. Gotta listen to the pro lifers

 

[4everDone]

I don't know if you've seen Futurama but it has these suicide booths here you can painlessly disintegrate yourself and no one judges you for it. Every now and then I dream of a device like that being available to hopeless losers like me. Press a button and you cease existing. Incredible that even a cartoon from the 2000s is rational about people's feelings on suicide but nope. Gotta listen to the pro lifers

Some cartoons are really good at predicting the future so let's hope this is no exception

 

[Shrike]

I did. I reached out. I talked about it. With the details and much honesty. Not once.
I don't even remember the reaction of my therapist. I just talked about it, she asked questions blah blah blah made me promise I won't kill myself and boom, on our next session she didn't even mention that. Not a word.

I had similar experiences. I was left with the impression that they barely remember who you are.

I mean, they probably do go through lots of patients per week. The dedicated and focused psychologist who really wants to address your case seems to only exist in movies. In reality they're mostly bureaucrats with some mildly specialized knowledge, and there's too many of us and too few of them. The gap between what is and what is needed is just so large.

 

[matt1968]

I feel this so much. The meds, therapy, reaching out and grabbing thin air.

I am at the point that the only way I can see me somehow getting out of this is for someone I know well to spend a lot of time with me for a month or two - try to bring me back into life as it were. I'd be prepared to pay the person.

I've spoken to a few friends about it and they've either ignored it or said its inpracticable, use the services provided etc. etc. - I've used and worked in these services - I know how they function and don't function.

Some of the responses were "it's down to you, someone can't rescue you". But we're always being "rescuded" by circumstance and we always need the help of people.

And okay, if I can't be rescued and the situation is not one that services or myself can deal with, then the corrollary is that an option is to end life. When you even hint at that, it feels like a big barrier has been crossed.

Sorry for the rant - yes being stuck is horrible, reaching out or not.

Sending you my best wishes.

 

[MissUSoMuchBabyGirl]

I'm usually not too concerned about it and I ignore it but sometimes it just hits me…
How fucked up this is that we have to test these fucking chemicals on our bodies. We have to tie ropes on our necks and try to find the right spot to pass out. We cut our bodies, we pull out our hair, we hit ourselves, we hate our bodies and our minds.
And no one seems to try and understand it. And no one really wants to help.
They want to talk us out of dying and that's it. Then you're on your own. They even want to take away the last place where we can ACTUALLY support each other which is SaSu.
You feel your life is at danger? Reach out for help! You have suicidal thoughts? Go see a psychiatrist! AND THEN WHAT?
I did. I reached out. I talked about it. With the details and much honesty. Not once.
I don't even remember the reaction of my therapist. I just talked about it, she asked questions blah blah blah made me promise I won't kill myself and boom, on our next session she didn't even mention that. Not a word. To a lost person who struggles so much that doesn't even want to breathe anymore. Instead, she asked me what I had for dinner :')
So what now? In general I can assume she's a good therapist. She has great reviews etc, it seems unlikely to find someone better. I mean, it's not her who sucks but the system. Same thing with my psychiatrist. I can see her trying to adjust my medication to make it work. But it just doesn't. and I can't really imagine it working, ever. How on earth can I ever actually want to live again? No way.
So I still don't want to exist. Still don't know how to handle the easiest things in my life. Still have no idea how am I supposed to get through every single damn day.

But I'm not an ant or another fucking mosquito or anything to die just like that. Even though I see no depth in humans existence, I'm still scared… and simply overwhelmed by having my oxygen level drop or neck squeezed or veins cut open or organs smashed on the concrete or got knows what else. Is it too much to ask to have a possibility to go to sleep and never have to wake up ever again?? Please? Haven't we suffered enough? What's the use of us here anyway? :(

You seem so REAL. Society always felt a bit off to me, in a fake way. I wish we had more real, open and honest people like this. I think talking about suicide shouldn't be considered "crazy", but quite to opposite. I feel like suicidal people are actually more real human beings than people who just don't know how to discuss it. I think some therapists, even the "good ones" are trained in a certain way to prevent suicide and that's all they do because they were t taught any other way. You sound very insightful and intelligent. You are no alone.

 

[gemineye]

I'm usually not too concerned about it and I ignore it but sometimes it just hits me…
How fucked up this is that we have to test these fucking chemicals on our bodies. We have to tie ropes on our necks and try to find the right spot to pass out. We cut our bodies, we pull out our hair, we hit ourselves, we hate our bodies and our minds.
And no one seems to try and understand it. And no one really wants to help.
They want to talk us out of dying and that's it. Then you're on your own. They even want to take away the last place where we can ACTUALLY support each other which is SaSu.
You feel your life is at danger? Reach out for help! You have suicidal thoughts? Go see a psychiatrist! AND THEN WHAT?
I did. I reached out. I talked about it. With the details and much honesty. Not once.
I don't even remember the reaction of my therapist. I just talked about it, she asked questions blah blah blah made me promise I won't kill myself and boom, on our next session she didn't even mention that. Not a word. To a lost person who struggles so much that doesn't even want to breathe anymore. Instead, she asked me what I had for dinner :')
So what now? In general I can assume she's a good therapist. She has great reviews etc, it seems unlikely to find someone better. I mean, it's not her who sucks but the system. Same thing with my psychiatrist. I can see her trying to adjust my medication to make it work. But it just doesn't. and I can't really imagine it working, ever. How on earth can I ever actually want to live again? No way.
So I still don't want to exist. Still don't know how to handle the easiest things in my life. Still have no idea how am I supposed to get through every single damn day.

But I'm not an ant or another fucking mosquito or anything to die just like that. Even though I see no depth in humans existence, I'm still scared… and simply overwhelmed by having my oxygen level drop or neck squeezed or veins cut open or organs smashed on the concrete or got knows what else. Is it too much to ask to have a possibility to go to sleep and never have to wake up ever again?? Please? Haven't we suffered enough? What's the use of us here anyway? :(

I feel you. I resonate deeply. This forum is the first respite from 7 hours straight of planning. Counting down the hours. 5 more to go. I found the most adequate thus far piercing object for my radial artery and pressed down on the dotted pulse point on my left wrist about 40 minutes ago as a "test moment" and I heard a faint "pop". I began wailing uncontrollably and despairingly. I saw no blood over the blue inked dots I'd drawn as the target … but the reality of knowing I could quite easily push harder as I feel limited physical pain (the emotional pain is excruciatingly overwhelming) and find myself at the threshold of instant dread … from desperately not wanting to go but devastatingly resigned to the fact that life is unbearably painful and there is no hope in sight. This is the first time all day I feel peace. It's a surreal peace. A defeated peace, because one more day here is not going to see the tide turn. I'm trying to bow out with my dignity in tact because I can't deal with the humiliation of being a trash heap of disconnected "potential" … lost potential that has been figuratively beaten out of me. I fear the future and what might become of me. We need a space to BE amongst like Souls. A Refuge & Sanctuary of Recovery/Therapy/Rebuilding. Addicts have Rehab. Suiciders Need A Safe Haven. To Be, Breathe, Purge, Rest, Rant, Belong. With Specialist Suicide Informed Professionals Assisting, Providing, Guiding … Empathising. That's how we Heal. That's where we find encouragement, equipping, empowerment and Strength. Not … I'm places and spaces that do more harm than good. I NEVER reach out when I'm this close because I'm TERRIFIED of being labelled, medicated, institutionalised and branded for life .., which incidentally is EXACTLY where ALL of the psychological injury ABUSERS precisely want me. I'm not sure what will happen in a few hours. Today feels different. Different in a resolved kind of way. I am literally dismantling day by day and the odds against me are so … crushingly inevitable after 14 months of unrelenting hits … I WILL all emotion away and BEG the Universe to just let me go home.

I feel this so much. The meds, therapy, reaching out and grabbing thin air.

I am at the point that the only way I can see me somehow getting out of this is for someone I know well to spend a lot of time with me for a month or two - try to bring me back into life as it were. I'd be prepared to pay the person.

I've spoken to a few friends about it and they've either ignored it or said its inpracticable, use the services provided etc. etc. - I've used and worked in these services - I know how they function and don't function.

Some of the responses were "it's down to you, someone can't rescue you". But we're always being "rescuded" by circumstance and we always need the help of people.

And okay, if I can't be rescued and the situation is not one that services or myself can deal with, then the corrollary is that an option is to end life. When you even hint at that, it feels like a big barrier has been crossed.

Sorry for the rant - yes being stuck is horrible, reaching out or not.

Sending you my best wishes.

I hear you and agree. There is no loneliness as desperately desolate and stark and terrifying as ours. I wish the same thing. And no … of course no one can rescue or save us … FFS we are NOT SIMPLISTIC OR FEEBLE MINDED!!!! We CRAVE and YEARN and DEEPLY VALUE & CHERISH The Light No matter how small or "insignificant" to others … we constantly seek the light in the darkness … we are thankful for every moment, no matter how fleeting, of lightness, hope, wellness … peace. We long for connection … a drop or ray or sprinkle of love … care, kindness and compassion. We give it so freely and generously … even in our most depleted of states. Maybe that's why we choose to go. From the impossibility of living such disconnected and dissociative unrealities.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

I don't know if you've seen Futurama but it has these suicide booths here you can painlessly disintegrate yourself and no one judges you for it. Every now and then I dream of a device like that being available to hopeless losers like me. Press a button and you cease existing. Incredible that even a cartoon from the 2000s is rational about people's feelings on suicide but nope. Gotta listen to the pro lifers

Im so glad you brought this up because i think about those booths often and how i wish they existed i love futurama. glad to know im not the only one on here who thinks about those lmao

 

[RemainingDubious]

Go see a psychiatrist! AND THEN WHAT?
I did. I reached out. I talked about it. With the details and much honesty. Not once.
I don't even remember the reaction of my therapist. I just talked about it, she asked questions blah blah blah made me promise I won't kill myself and boom, on our next session she didn't even mention that. Not a word.

i can completely empathise with you. When i was younger i would lie about how i actually felt especially to "professionals" i'd tell them what they wanted to hear so they'd leave me alone.

When i got older and having had my pride hurt. A failed sa resulted in me being sectioned. i realised my way has never worked, since i was stuck their, i couldn't imagine it could get any worse than it was (back then) i realised of course people couldn't help me since they didn't know what the issue really was. "You can't heal what you never reveal." - Jay Z

i considered the possibility i was ignorant, they might of knew much better than me and i had nothing to lose so i was completely honest, etc it didn't change anything. It probably made me worse. In hindsight i've always had anxiety but had never had an anxiety attack or anything, until they kept trying me on different medications to see what worked best.

Knowing there wasn't actually any help only made me dislike the realities that are forced up upon us even more.

Not a word. To a lost person who struggles so much that doesn't even want to breathe anymore. Instead, she asked me what I had for dinner :')

Since I'm not your therapist i can't speak on her behalf as i have no idea what her actual thoughts and intent were.

She'll know you more than i do and might have some knowledge of how your mind works.

i can only really talk about me, my own thoughts, feelings and experience. If someone was to ask me what are my thoughts on Oranges for example. Have i been thinking about Orange anymore, etc
i'd start thinking about Oranges, even if i hadn't been. So maybe she didn't want to bring it up since there seems to be some truth to that whole "out of sight, out of mind." mentality.

i personally have found some psychologists and/or psychiatrists pretty helpful, when i've inquired about their logic and stuff, some have been completely honest and their reasoning did make sense most of the time.

 

[divinemistress36]

Being a guinea pig is getting exhausting

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

I had similar experiences. I was left with the impression that they barely remember who you are.

I mean, they probably do go through lots of patients per week. The dedicated and focused psychologist who really wants to address your case seems to only exist in movies. In reality they're mostly bureaucrats with some mildly specialized knowledge, and there's too many of us and too few of them. The gap between what is and what is needed is just so large.

We're just another number/paycheck to them after all. I sort of understand because money is money at the end of the day but then that doesn't mean they should disregard how hard it is to struggle living when you really don't want to and you've really tried to; we should be respected in our decision to ctb but unfortunately society is the complete opposite. In a world full of the insane, it's the sane who are called crazy.