I have rationalized my desire to CTB but I guess the main issue I've always had with death has been FOMO.
I recently found out that I'm most likely schizoid (I really hate to self-diagnose but all of my attempts at seeing a psychiatrist have been for naught) and as such, I have never been in a real relationship nor will I ever be given that college has completely fallen through for me and now I have no life whatsoever. It's not that I can't accept that -- I have -- but unfortunately I am consciously or subconsciously holding on to some instinctual hope that I might someday, somehow, change. But essentially I am indefinitely trapped in a catch-22 because of my mental illnesses and subsequent lack of willpower.
I don't have any wants or ambitions anymore, other than genuine love and a likewise-futile desire to try psychedelics.
If you have read Notes From the Underground, or Oblomov, then the best succinct way to describe myself would be that I am basically identical to the narrators from those books (the latter more than the former at this point). I know that comparing yourself to fictional characters is a bad cliche but I can't think of any other way to put it. I have nothing and nobody except some money in my bank account and family in proximity but both are worthless to me. I'm just vegetating and not speaking to anyone, impatiently awaiting the day that they get fed up and finally throw me out on the street.
Well, I do still have my own thoughts and access to an infinite amount of literature, after all. So I have had nothing to do but intellectualize my predicament, much to my own mental detriment. I was a passionate philosophy major before I dropped out and I have reasoned out a hellish neo-existentialist worldview that I don't see myself ever moving past even if all of my tangible problems were solved. I wouldn't dare share my philosophical insights with other people, both because it wouldn't be appreciated and because I think it would be a particularly cruel thing to do, but I have tried dialoguing about it with AI (not a perfect substitute for actual people, I know) and I haven't been able to find any holes in my logic. Maybe that sounds narcissistic or delusional to you, and I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. I wouldn't really want to change your mind.
I recently found out that I'm most likely schizoid (I really hate to self-diagnose but all of my attempts at seeing a psychiatrist have been for naught) and as such, I have never been in a real relationship nor will I ever be given that college has completely fallen through for me and now I have no life whatsoever. It's not that I can't accept that -- I have -- but unfortunately I am consciously or subconsciously holding on to some instinctual hope that I might someday, somehow, change. But essentially I am indefinitely trapped in a catch-22 because of my mental illnesses and subsequent lack of willpower.
I don't have any wants or ambitions anymore, other than genuine love and a likewise-futile desire to try psychedelics.
If you have read Notes From the Underground, or Oblomov, then the best succinct way to describe myself would be that I am basically identical to the narrators from those books (the latter more than the former at this point). I know that comparing yourself to fictional characters is a bad cliche but I can't think of any other way to put it. I have nothing and nobody except some money in my bank account and family in proximity but both are worthless to me. I'm just vegetating and not speaking to anyone, impatiently awaiting the day that they get fed up and finally throw me out on the street.
Well, I do still have my own thoughts and access to an infinite amount of literature, after all. So I have had nothing to do but intellectualize my predicament, much to my own mental detriment. I was a passionate philosophy major before I dropped out and I have reasoned out a hellish neo-existentialist worldview that I don't see myself ever moving past even if all of my tangible problems were solved. I wouldn't dare share my philosophical insights with other people, both because it wouldn't be appreciated and because I think it would be a particularly cruel thing to do, but I have tried dialoguing about it with AI (not a perfect substitute for actual people, I know) and I haven't been able to find any holes in my logic. Maybe that sounds narcissistic or delusional to you, and I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. I wouldn't really want to change your mind.
