trying ungracefully
Experienced
- Jun 11, 2025
- 227
My grandpa didn't like anyone visiting after my grandma died, his life just started going downhill until the point of the past few years it seemed like he was trying to kill himself with alcohol. So after I was about 13 I stopped seeing him as much and it's been 8 years, there's been a few times I saw him in between but he stopped going to family parties and so did I.
The last times I saw him was in a rehab facility after a drunken fall and then to say goodbye to him because he was moving to another state to be with his other kids. At that point he had dementia and wasn't aware of too much.
He died yesterday and it was honestly a good thing for him, he was suffering badly and never recovered from the cancer radiation they did a bit ago. I'm still unable to process it. He was apart of my childhood a lot, I would sleep over at their house all the time as a kid and when I was real young I would sit on his lap and drink his tea. He liked talking a lot once you got him to talk too, he would tell SO many stories and they would be so long to the point you wanted to leave the conversation lol.
His funeral is in a different state and I don't know if I can go because I struggle with agoraphobia. His body is also going to be visible and I don't want to see him like that. I want to remember the face of my childhood, not one filled with no life.
I'm not good with death. The people who have died in my life are my grandma, two grandpas, step grandma, and my first boyfriend (we were broken up at that point). My grandma I didn't see in the end or at her funeral because I was in inpatient/residential. My grandpa died the same year and I didn't see him at the end but I did go to his funeral and he was cremated. My step grandma I wasn't too close to because I didn't see her enough and I didn't go to her funeral because of my agoraphobia. My ex I found out through a go fund me when I was looking up his dad to tell a story about how his dad was an asshole, I obviously wasn't at that funeral. Now my other grandpa.
It's hard to deal with and I can't handle people leaving my life. I pretend that my grandpa and grandma are still with me by creating voices in my head. When I was manic it was like they were completely real.
I haven't cried yet but I almost cried when I was asking my mom if he was cremated yet. I don't want to imagine him dead.
I know I should maybe be coping better with death with me being suicidal and all but I just can't.
The last times I saw him was in a rehab facility after a drunken fall and then to say goodbye to him because he was moving to another state to be with his other kids. At that point he had dementia and wasn't aware of too much.
He died yesterday and it was honestly a good thing for him, he was suffering badly and never recovered from the cancer radiation they did a bit ago. I'm still unable to process it. He was apart of my childhood a lot, I would sleep over at their house all the time as a kid and when I was real young I would sit on his lap and drink his tea. He liked talking a lot once you got him to talk too, he would tell SO many stories and they would be so long to the point you wanted to leave the conversation lol.
His funeral is in a different state and I don't know if I can go because I struggle with agoraphobia. His body is also going to be visible and I don't want to see him like that. I want to remember the face of my childhood, not one filled with no life.
I'm not good with death. The people who have died in my life are my grandma, two grandpas, step grandma, and my first boyfriend (we were broken up at that point). My grandma I didn't see in the end or at her funeral because I was in inpatient/residential. My grandpa died the same year and I didn't see him at the end but I did go to his funeral and he was cremated. My step grandma I wasn't too close to because I didn't see her enough and I didn't go to her funeral because of my agoraphobia. My ex I found out through a go fund me when I was looking up his dad to tell a story about how his dad was an asshole, I obviously wasn't at that funeral. Now my other grandpa.
It's hard to deal with and I can't handle people leaving my life. I pretend that my grandpa and grandma are still with me by creating voices in my head. When I was manic it was like they were completely real.
I haven't cried yet but I almost cried when I was asking my mom if he was cremated yet. I don't want to imagine him dead.
I know I should maybe be coping better with death with me being suicidal and all but I just can't.
