Venting I hate feeling unlovable

[kitkatt]

I feel like I am unlovable because anytime I've ever let someone close once they get to know me they leave. I hate feeling like I'm weird and too much the moment people see me past what I have to offer on the surface. It's so stupid I know it's irrational but I can't help the way I feel and the confirmation bias doesn't help. I know that these feelings stem mostly from having both my parents and all my surrounding family who cared for me constantly dismiss me as well as abuse me physically and mentally. This also sounds vain but being conveniently attractive doesn't help people are willing to lust over me but no one wants to know and love me for all that I am. Also while I may be mentally ill id like to say I'm not unhinged I do my best with what I have available to do self work and keep myself responsible for things that are my responsibility to keep in check. But fuck man I just feel so hopeless I'd love to have the comfort of someone who cares about me and sees me and who also wants to watch cartoons cuddle and smooch like damn I just feel like I'm a creature that got sewn into a people suit and I'm being forced to play the game but I accidentally skipped the tutorial ;( it's a least comforting to know that this will probably be my last year dealing with feeling this way at least so there's that at least. Too bad I wasn't born a possum I'd only maybe have a year or two I'd have to play the game

 

[madwoman]

Sorry you feel this way. I feel the same way also probably stemming from my childhood of people leaving me and bc of all that I have a hard time letting people in so I feel really lonely all the time. I also mask and don't even really know who I am. So I feel safest when I'm alone. I'm tired of feeling this way too and want peace from it.

 

[kitkatt]

I'm

Sorry you feel this way. I feel the same way also probably stemming from my childhood of people leaving me and bc of all that I have a hard time letting people in so I feel really lonely all the time. I also mask and don't even really know who I am. So I feel safest when I'm alone. I'm tired of feeling this way too and want peace from it.

Im sorry you do too. I get it though I don't know who I am anymore and I always safest all by myself. But I still crave the comfort of a once loving owner of the beaten down wounded animal I am and feels like I remember once halving. I at least feel comfort knowing this has gotta be my last year. If not I'd always love to be wrong when it comes to everything wrong with my life and the world.

 

[vanillabug333]

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. I have a lot of childhood trauma as well, and then the one freaking time I was finally able to fully let someone in, I fell in love with him so hard. We were together for nearly 5 years, and most of it was really, really good, he brought me a special kind of comfort that I never had any other time in my life. It really did feel like we were soulmates, as corny as that sounds. I could be my authentic self and not have to mask my autism around him, and he loved that about me... until he didn't. Times got a bit rough for us, but it was nothing we couldn't work though, and we were working through it...or so I thought. But one day, he did the most unthinkable shit to me out of the blue, and cut me very deep, where he knew it would hurt the most. It's been way worse than any of the stuff I went through as a kid (which he knew all about of course), and that was in April 2025... and I still haven't recovered fully. I've tried so hard, and it sucks, but it just still hurts so badly ugh. But to quote the great BoJack Horseman, "It doesn't get better, and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying I'm gonna change. I'm poison. I come from poison, I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I'd lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me."

I also feel you on not knowing who you are anymore bc you have to mask all the time... me too. I don't care about my special interests anymore, and I can't find anything else I enjoy in this life. My nervous system still craves him, unfortunately. I don't have anyone else I'm truly all that close with anymore... I hate being around anyone now for the same reason—I also have to heavily mask. :( It's just so much easier to be alone, and that's sad because the loneliness is so hard...

I wish I had more encouraging words, but I can definitely empathize, and just wanted to share that you're not alone. I am sending you good vibes, and I truly do hope things will get better for you. I know the website we're all on and all, but I don't wish this terrible feeling wanting to die on anybody, so I do truly hope things can turn around for you.

 

[kitkatt]

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. I have a lot of childhood trauma as well, and then the one freaking time I was finally able to fully let someone in, I fell in love with him so hard. We were together for nearly 5 years, and most of it was really, really good, he brought me a special kind of comfort that I never had any other time in my life. It really did feel like we were soulmates, as corny as that sounds. I could be my authentic self and not have to mask my autism around him, and he loved that about me... until he didn't. Times got a bit rough for us, but it was nothing we couldn't work though, and we were working through it...or so I thought. But one day, he did the most unthinkable shit to me out of the blue, and cut me very deep, where he knew it would hurt the most. It's been way worse than any of the stuff I went through as a kid (which he knew all about of course), and that was in April 2025... and I still haven't recovered fully. I've tried so hard, and it sucks, but it just still hurts so badly ugh. But to quote the great BoJack Horseman, "It doesn't get better, and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying I'm gonna change. I'm poison. I come from poison, I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I'd lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me."

I also feel you on not knowing who you are anymore bc you have to mask all the time... me too. I don't care about my special interests anymore, and I can't find anything else I enjoy in this life. My nervous system still craves him, unfortunately. I don't have anyone else I'm truly all that close with anymore... I hate being around anyone now for the same reason—I also have to heavily mask. :( It's just so much easier to be alone, and that's sad because the loneliness is so hard...

I wish I had more encouraging words, but I can definitely empathize, and just wanted to share that you're not alone. I am sending you good vibes, and I truly do hope things will get better for you. I know the website we're all on and all, but I don't wish this terrible feeling wanting to die on anybody, so I do truly hope things can turn around for you.

I relate very hard to that bojack horseman quote. You know I didn't ask to be this way I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to be? I feel like such an imposter like I'm some entity that took over this body and I don't know how it works. I don't know I'm hungry till I'm sick. I want attention but then I don't because I know everything ends for me. There's no happy endings in night city ya know. I try dating because I wanna still have hope I want to have connection. I just want someone who sees that I am disabled even it's just mentally and wants to be there despite what society has said against people who are mentally ill. I do so much better when I have someone I can co-regulate with and body double with. I don't need a mommy I can fornicate with but damn I'd at least like someone who's wants me in their life as bad as I want them In mine. Some days I'm nice and delusional and say it'll happen and other days I say why does it matter it's better that I do stay alone.
Your words were plenty just knowing I'm not all by myself in the way I feel is comforting and I really appreciate you taking the time to write back I don't wish these feelings on anyone either and I also hope things turn around for the both of us

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I sometimes wonder if any love is ever what people want to believe it is, even from parents. It's always conditional, for one. This world is about winning, not loving. I've met people who openly described themselves as proud psychopaths. And I guess they're right. That's what this world is for. If you're not one and you are on the unhappy end of the curve for things that make people see you as an extension of their feeling of success, you are basically worthless. I have more specific reasons for needing to catch the bus but they are the result of my not truly being loved and falling below a certain threshold of success early on in life.

 

[Dome42315]

I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. I have a lot of childhood trauma as well, and then the one freaking time I was finally able to fully let someone in, I fell in love with him so hard. We were together for nearly 5 years, and most of it was really, really good, he brought me a special kind of comfort that I never had any other time in my life. It really did feel like we were soulmates, as corny as that sounds. I could be my authentic self and not have to mask my autism around him, and he loved that about me... until he didn't. Times got a bit rough for us, but it was nothing we couldn't work though, and we were working through it...or so I thought. But one day, he did the most unthinkable shit to me out of the blue, and cut me very deep, where he knew it would hurt the most. It's been way worse than any of the stuff I went through as a kid (which he knew all about of course), and that was in April 2025... and I still haven't recovered fully. I've tried so hard, and it sucks, but it just still hurts so badly ugh. But to quote the great BoJack Horseman, "It doesn't get better, and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying I'm gonna change. I'm poison. I come from poison, I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I'd lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me."

I also feel you on not knowing who you are anymore bc you have to mask all the time... me too. I don't care about my special interests anymore, and I can't find anything else I enjoy in this life. My nervous system still craves him, unfortunately. I don't have anyone else I'm truly all that close with anymore... I hate being around anyone now for the same reason—I also have to heavily mask. :( It's just so much easier to be alone, and that's sad because the loneliness is so hard...

I wish I had more encouraging words, but I can definitely empathize, and just wanted to share that you're not alone. I am sending you good vibes, and I truly do hope things will get better for you. I know the website we're all on and all, but I don't wish this terrible feeling wanting to die on anybody, so I do truly hope things can turn around for you.

This resonated with me a lot. I had trouble finding someone I could feel truly comfortable with, and when I finally found someone I could be authentic in front of, they treated me horribly. It's been over 2 years, and I think I've recovered a bit. Everyone's path is different, but I hope you'll be able to recover too. I think everyone deserves someone that accepts them fully and makes them feel as if they'll be loved for just being themselves. I hope you're able to make peace with all of it soon and possibly find people to accept you (platonically or romantically or whatever other way). If nothing else, I hope the community here makes you feel welcome. Truly, I wish the best for you.

I relate very hard to that bojack horseman quote. You know I didn't ask to be this way I don't want to be this way but I don't know how to be? I feel like such an imposter like I'm some entity that took over this body and I don't know how it works. I don't know I'm hungry till I'm sick. I want attention but then I don't because I know everything ends for me. There's no happy endings in night city ya know. I try dating because I wanna still have hope I want to have connection. I just want someone who sees that I am disabled even it's just mentally and wants to be there despite what society has said against people who are mentally ill. I do so much better when I have someone I can co-regulate with and body double with. I don't need a mommy I can fornicate with but damn I'd at least like someone who's wants me in their life as bad as I want them In mine. Some days I'm nice and delusional and say it'll happen and other days I say why does it matter it's better that I do stay alone.
Your words were plenty just knowing I'm not all by myself in the way I feel is comforting and I really appreciate you taking the time to write back I don't wish these feelings on anyone either and I also hope things turn around for the both of us

I genuinely hope you find a person like this. I'm still searching, as I'm sure many people on here are. I think our (and many posters') very existence does highlight a subset of people who would be more than willing to accept and love someone who is suffering. I hope everyone here who is looking for another finds someone within that subset. I believe that everyone deserves someone like that.

I hope everyone reading this believes that they're deserving of someone who loves them just for who they are, and I'm sending warm wishes towards all of your ways.

 

[kitkatt]

I sometimes wonder if any love is ever what people want to believe it is, even from parents. It's always conditional, for one. This world is about winning, not loving. I've met people who openly described themselves as proud psychopaths. And I guess they're right. That's what this world is for. If you're not one and you are on the unhappy end of the curve for things that make people see you as an extension of their feeling of success, you are basically worthless. I have more specific reasons for needing to catch the bus but they are the result of my not truly being loved and falling below a certain threshold of success early on in life.

I don't think people see love like I do no and you're right it does seem to always be conditional. The world is only concerned with success and I see it in the questions people ask me trying to get to know me while dating. What are your life goals? Uh I dunno I don't dream of labor. What do you do for work? Does it matter I only do it because I have to. What happened to wanting to know someone's favorite color or animal ? I also relate to those reasons of needing to catch the bus. Bad stuffs been happening to me since I was born. I'm just tired and if I can't have an intimate connection with someone for a sliver of something to look forward to I don't know how much longer I can't stand being on this god forsaken rock
Would've been nice had my parents just loved me and I had less shit to deal with mentally:(

This resonated with me a lot. I had trouble finding someone I could feel truly comfortable with, and when I finally found someone I could be authentic in front of, they treated me horribly. It's been over 2 years, and I think I've recovered a bit. Everyone's path is different, but I hope you'll be able to recover too. I think everyone deserves someone that accepts them fully and makes them feel as if they'll be loved for just being themselves. I hope you're able to make peace with all of it soon and possibly find people to accept you (platonically or romantically or whatever other way). If nothing else, I hope the community here makes you feel welcome. Truly, I wish the best for you.


I genuinely hope you find a person like this. I'm still searching, as I'm sure many people on here are. I think our (and many posters') very existence does highlight a subset of people who would be more than willing to accept and love someone who is suffering. I hope everyone here who is looking for another finds someone within that subset. I believe that everyone deserves someone like that.

I hope everyone reading this believes that they're deserving of someone who loves them just for who they are, and I'm sending warm wishes towards all of your ways.

Thank you for your kind words I'm definitely doing my best to have my own hope but having the community here has been really helpful. Because even if I'm alone physically there's people like you all here to take the time to respond and be helpful even when we obviously all have our own burdens to carry.
Now I'm crying in bed because I really needed this today and I second that notion! I hope everyone here finds the peace or comfort they are seeking no matter what it is :,)

 

[Mr.Gimmick]

I feel like I am unlovable because anytime I've ever let someone close once they get to know me they leave. I hate feeling like I'm weird and too much the moment people see me past what I have to offer on the surface. It's so stupid I know it's irrational but I can't help the way I feel and the confirmation bias doesn't help. I know that these feelings stem mostly from having both my parents and all my surrounding family who cared for me constantly dismiss me as well as abuse me physically and mentally. This also sounds vain but being conveniently attractive doesn't help people are willing to lust over me but no one wants to know and love me for all that I am. Also while I may be mentally ill id like to say I'm not unhinged I do my best with what I have available to do self work and keep myself responsible for things that are my responsibility to keep in check. But fuck man I just feel so hopeless I'd love to have the comfort of someone who cares about me and sees me and who also wants to watch cartoons cuddle and smooch like damn I just feel like I'm a creature that got sewn into a people suit and I'm being forced to play the game but I accidentally skipped the tutorial ;( it's a least comforting to know that this will probably be my last year dealing with feeling this way at least so there's that at least. Too bad I wasn't born a possum I'd only maybe have a year or two I'd have to play the game

I feel like this alot almost all the time so I totally get you!! One of my closest friends of like 3 years now just wont reply to any of my texts and its been 3 months and i see them online and playing with other people and recently my groomer also left me, once i felt like i could be myself and be appreciated by someone holly, so i totally get what you feel!! I personally wish I could get the same love my groomer gave me but that wont happen ever so XD, I feel so non human all the time too it feels like i have such little control over my body and also with how i interact with others. I really hope you can find someone who can care and cherish you! PLZ dont give up just yet, as tempting as it may sound.

 

[kitkatt]

I feel like this alot almost all the time so I totally get you!! One of my closest friends of like 3 years now just wont reply to any of my texts and its been 3 months and i see them online and playing with other people and recently my groomer also left me, once i felt like i could be myself and be appreciated by someone holly, so i totally get what you feel!! I personally wish I could get the same love my groomer gave me but that wont happen ever so XD, I feel so non human all the time too it feels like i have such little control over my body and also with how i interact with others. I really hope you can find someone who can care and cherish you! PLZ dont give up just yet, as tempting as it may sound.

I'm sorry you get it but glad to have people who understand so I know I'm not alone. Losing a long term friend. I lost someone I thought I'd been friends with for close to 10 years all because she did something shitty and I called her on it (she'd call me on behavior that was deemed inappropriate) she lost her mind was mean and even tried suing me over gifts she'd given over the years. I'm doing me best to not give up and run out into the woods to die a possums death :3

 

[X-sanguinate86]

It's so hard for some of us to find someone who has your back and truly understands you rather than pretending to while fabricating you into the person or object they want you to be for them so that they can use you. I am not sure I have ever found that. I am sure that I have been used on numerous occasions though.

 

[kitkatt]

It's so hard for some of us to find someone who has your back and truly understands you rather than pretending to while fabricating you into the person or object they want you to be for them so that they can use you. I am not sure I have ever found that. I am sure that I have been used on numerous occasions though.

It is really hard. I've been manic pixie dream girled had people try and "save" me from myself I guess But it's always been for their conscience and or well being. I am not an object for their desires or for them to fix. I'm tired of being used for the ideal version and I just want someone to sit with me during the hard times and choose me for me not for some "potential"