Venting I hate everything

[cookiencream]

I feel so done. I had the perfect set up. I didn't even feel that scared. I had one foot off and was slowly easing into it and then it happened. "What if you tied the knot wrong" I tied the knot behind my head because it wouldn't work otherwise. I untie it and try again, I legit forgot how to do the damn knot. I finally tie it in a way I think it right. And...I just couldn't do it. I couldn't fucking do it. And it truly dawned on me, I can't fucking kill myself. I just can't. I'm too "smart" for my own damn good. This time I wasn't even scared, or panicked. I just basically went over the risks in my head calmly and then all urge to kms went. In fact I was calmer after I untied the noose. I'm so so done. I quite literally would have died. Why can't I die? I don't even want to live I know that for sure. I keep deliberating it in my head and only come to one conclusion "I don't like life" but when I'm handed the perfect senario on a platter I just can't do it. I didn't even make it a date. I just did it impulsively. Why is my SI this strong??? Not even in a physical reaction way, in a cold calculated way. It's like my brain knows exactly what to say to talk me out of it. Even when I try and fight back. It's like this body is fucking trapping me I'm sick of it. I just want this gone one way or another. I'm so tired of this cycle. If I wanna live so badly why do I circle back to suicide? If I want to die so badly why do I chicken out? Why am I such a terrible person. I was completely fine with the idea of traumatizing my friends, family and anyone who just knows me. None of that made me reconsider but yk what did? "What if you tied the knot wrong?" I'm done, so fucking done. And despite feeling like this I know that if I go right back to the set up I would still chicken out. If dying is a cowards way out then what am I? I just...why am I like this? Why can't I? Should I even tell my parents again? They'd be so disappointed in me. Should I just keep trying the suicide route until it sticks? It just seems like any and I mean any method that isn't instant is something I can't do. I didn't want to live past today at all. But I don't want to die today. Please help me someone, anyone. I don't want to live a life like this, not in this society. Not with these kinds of rules. But I can't die. I just can't. Why can't god just take me if he hates me this much. Can I even get better? I don't even feel human anymore. My whole personality feels like it's already far gone. I can't even remember what it was like to just be me and not force it. I don't even want to be me anymore I just want to be gone.