Venting I hate being ugly

[LevUwU]

I hate having to hide myself constantly, not being able to do things I want to just because I recoil at the thought of people even looking at me. Every time I leave my house I wear a hoodie and a mask. If that's to spare me the pain of getting ready and looking in the mirror or to spare others the pain of looking at me I don't know. I feel like I'm unable to function when everything I do would never be enough to fix the hideous mass that I am. How could anyone love me when I look so horrific. I wish I could be anyone else, someone better looking, average at least, anything to not be this repulsive form with frizzy hair, yellow pale skin, wrongful face and boxy frame.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[theboy]

Beauty is subjective

 

[LevUwU]

Beauty is subjective

Wow thanks that fixes all my problems >_>

 

[theboy]

Wow thanks that fixes all my problems >_>

You have to work on your self-esteem. I'm not saying that this phrase solves all problems but it's good to keep it in mind.

 

[ctbcat]

i don't hide myself to that extent, but i still feel similarly. i'm sorry.

i won't give you some cliche affirmation. i'll just say you're not alone in this feeling. i also really hate, despise even, the way i look.

at the very same time... i have a friend that HATES, hates hates her body, and yet i'd kill myself for it - and i nearly did, years back before i met her. i find her beautiful, while she can't stand her body. ... this anecdote isn't to invalidate your feelings, but rather... we see so much beauty in other people that they can't see in themselves. i've seen tons of strangers i think could MODEL every single day in passing... it's difficult to believe, but i imagine there are qualities in you someone finds just as beautiful, that you're blind to.

 

[Unhumanly.]

Yes lookism is a thing Of course some people are really do being treated certain way because how they look, given a certain impression based on how they look
And how people looks sometimes shape how they perceive their surrounding, because of that earlier, people are treated certain ways just because their looks

Too bad, people dealing with this also have to deal with people minimizing and dismissive of their experience

 

[LevUwU]

i don't hide myself to that extent, but i still feel similarly. i'm sorry.

i won't give you some cliche affirmation. i'll just say you're not alone in this feeling. i also really hate, despise even, the way i look.

at the very same time... i have a friend that HATES, hates hates her body, and yet i'd kill myself for it - and i nearly did, years back before i met her. i find her beautiful, while she can't stand her body. ... this anecdote isn't to invalidate your feelings, but rather... we see so much beauty in other people that they can't see in themselves. i've seen tons of strangers i think could MODEL every single day in passing... it's difficult to believe, but i imagine there are qualities in you someone finds just as beautiful, that you're blind to.

Yeah, I've been told similar about myself from other people. That I'm incredibly beautiful and just kinda insane for hating myself to this degree. Though, even if that were true I'm still so flawed even if only visible to only myself.

 

[damyon]

Beauty is subjective

This is only partly true.
Of course, highly marginalized groups with extreme preferences exist. But you will not be able to appeal to 90% of the population
.
Symmetry in facial and bodily features, along with a moderately athletic physique, tend to be universally favored traits.
Then, there are some dimorphic traits that are attractive only to males or to females. For men, this is generally "square" appearance, and for women, this is "being curvy" (not only the body but also the face).
The exact preferences can vary slightly between cultures, but they will generally be consistent with the above.
I have seen studies on the above but I am too lazy to link them . You can search for "attractiveness", "beauty," etc., on PubMed and see it for yourself.


Personally, I think there are some thresholds for being beautiful in your environment (like culture, social media, college, etc.). The only problem is that if you are below the lower threshold (i.e., ugly), you will most likely be excluded, but if you are above the higher threshold (literal goddess/god), your returns will be marginal at best.


However, I also think that sometimes people are conditioned to think in a certain way about a particular appearance. Specific traits become associated with certain groups, leading individuals to automatically associate similar traits in others with the qualities/status of the associated group. For example, hollow cheeks in Hollywood. This is attractive when men have it, but not women (I mean, literally hollow cheeks, not the "low body weight" cheeks).


~~~


To the OP @LevUwU, I don't know how old you are, but if you are young, you can actually change (It can take some time, but there is a chance). I used to wear an oversized hoodie, a mask, and a cap literally every day to college ; those were the rough days...
You can have some underlying condition (e.g., related to your hormones). I knew some people who suffered from PCOS, and they resolved it once they got help from a good doctor.
Frizzy hair can be fixed by finding a working combination of a shampoo and a conditioner (it took me around three years).
Skin and face shape can also change significantly with makeup. You can also influence your "wrongful" face somehow with the correct haircut or accessories like glasses.

So I would say while you might be in a terrible spot now, you can try to get out of it if you have some hope left.



Sorry for bad English, not a native speaker

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Beauty is subjective

I don't know about that. Subjective, maybe, but there are conventionally attractive and conventionally unattractive people in society. There is a common trend as to what people prefer and the existence of this trend isn't subjective

 

[Oliver]

It's just the brutality of nature. People who are born pretty are just lightyears ahead from people who are born ugly. Like throughout their childhood and especially throughout their teens and early adulthood, a pretty person will get so much positive reinforcement for simply just existing, and this will further boost their self-esteem and confident a lot and thereby increasing their likelihood of "succeeding" in life.

 

[Alpenglow]

If it's any comfort (it might be the opposite in which case I'm very sorry), people aren't particularly concerned with your looks since they aren't particularly concerned with anyone they don't know. You could also be projecting a lot of your own feelings regarding yourself (I find it normal but it's probably not) when you look at yourself and think about how you could be loved. I think personality matters a lot, even if a person doesn't look good, I think their personality can make up for a good part of it. By personality I don't mean an aptitude for talking or hobbies and such, I find that if you're kind-hearted that shines through. Personally I value that a lot.

Also I think your pfp is great ^^

 

[theboy]

I don't know about that. Subjective, maybe, but there are conventionally attractive and conventionally unattractive people in society. There is a common trend as to what people prefer and the existence of this trend isn't subjective

true

 

[tryingtoquietdown]

I get it, man. I'm sorry you're suffering like this. Like @cbtcat said, you're not alone in feeling that way. Just remember that no matter how ugly or freakish you feel, you have every right to exist. Humans may have developed societies that pick people apart based on their appearances, but at your core, you are an animal that had no choice in how you were formed and how you are perceived by others. You are not disgusting or unworthy just for existing. Being ugly is not an evil thing to be; it's just a way you can exist, most often not of your own volition. It is not painful for other people to see you: it's painful for you to think about what others see when they see you.

Lots of people will tell you to just "love yourself," but that's not something a lot of us can just do. What's helped me is a little "fake it til you make it" but with the affirmations waaay watered down. Telling myself that I'm beautiful may just be lying, but telling myself, "I may feel repulsive, but I don't look as bad as I feel" is a lot more realistic and a lot easier to swallow. When you're as deep into your self-loathing as I've been, sometimes you do need to beat a little bit of reality into yourself. Acknowledging your feelings ("I feel disgusting...") while allowing yourself to concede to reality ("...but I am not painful for others to look at.") can really help.

 

[wildflowers1996]

I have severe BDD too it's horrible

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I hate having to hide myself constantly, not being able to do things I want to just because I recoil at the thought of people even looking at me. Every time I leave my house I wear a hoodie and a mask. If that's to spare me the pain of getting ready and looking in the mirror or to spare others the pain of looking at me I don't know. I feel like I'm unable to function when everything I do would never be enough to fix the hideous mass that I am. How could anyone love me when I look so horrific. I wish I could be anyone else, someone better looking, average at least, anything to not be this repulsive form with frizzy hair, yellow pale skin, wrongful face and boxy frame.

I have no idea on your history, environment etc but changing your body will only do that. It DOESNT change your mind, brain chemistry, etc. I went from skinny to decent build but I'm still autistic and still thinking a million miles a second about everything. If anything it made my schedule worse - changing diet, days at the gym, upper/lower body workouts, watching videos to exercises correctly with exact posture, etc. I know people say exercising releases "happy" hormones but overall I don't think it changed me that much.

Hair at least you can style and change so there's that. I mean I tend to rant on about subjects so I don't know. If it's conversation or any of it helps then maybe it's a step?

Relate to the self hate stuff though. Don't know the solution myself on that one.

 

[robotomy]

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. I'm a debilitating perfectionist of a guy who used to be worried about my own attractiveness (shocking I know), which was silly given that i got asked out to a famous dance event before, when its usually vice versa. And as a college student, I wasted a couple of years of social development like a dumbass from wearing masks, staying inside and whatnot, partly because people around me looked closer to "perfect". So I could try to understand how you feel.

Anyways, I've seen these kinds of back-and-forths, and I don't like being strung along with someone's perspective that sounds virtue signal-y…when actions often speak louder. But hopefully I can provide a dude-brained perspective, where admittedly sometimes my eyes decide to go rogue because "ooga booga woman" (hopefully only because im single).

If you truly have a boxy frame, then yes, I wouldn't consider that an attractive trait. I'm saying this to hopefully be a bit refreshing by saying you're not fully crazy in this context.

BUT thats only 1 trait. From a guy's perspective…I can tell you that 1 or a few+ non-attractive traits are nowhere near make-or-break. Try to control and fix what you can. As cliche as that sounds, the point of what i say below shouldnt equate to being more perfect than other girls. I will say/agree that life is often a competition for limited resources. And yes, it isnt fair that others sometimes are born better and have it easier in whatever area (including this one). I myself am figuring out how to deal with these thoughts as I go.

Anyways, frizzy hair is fine, idk if guys think about that part. Regardless, it might be fixable with the right products (see a stylist and/or go to a hair salon or something). Pale skin is fine, and I've seen instagram and tiktok girls look worse than what they mighve been before, with what seems like a tanning obsession. Pale skin might be more attractive to guys with darker skin. I have pale-ish skin and I mildly prefer someone with a natural tan. Not possible to tell what a "wrongful face" is, but it seems like most girls wear makeup anyways.

In terms of what makeup can't fix: for example, big noses or whatever other non-abnormal structural feature probably isn't an issue, especially with makeup. I've seen online discourse regarding plastic surgery, and how it can easily mess someone's "natural look" to the point where they dont look unique at all (and less attractive somehow).

Lastly, exercise (unless you have physical disabilities preventing such). There might be workarounds for that depending on what specific disability (i.e., cycling machine if bad knees). If you are struggling with weight issues, I understand that it sucks because if youre in the US, the food/health there is prob one of the worst out of developed countries.

As a guy I have the opposite problem. I'm not a twig but I could use some bulking up. Only some though, because if looks is the primary focus, the dissatisfaction might never end. I'm not short, so my height works against my progress a bit. I started weightlifting very recently but it sure as hell is boring and kinda painful. And I sure as hell dont know what im doing. So i feel ya if exercise feels mundane. I mix things up with some rec sports, even if they dont necessarily add muscle directly.

As a lady, I'm guessing you could either do cardio, or weight workouts focusing on your lower body. I've seen a girl online (with an absolute DUMPY , which actually isn't my preference but often is for guys) say that she only does lower body weightlifting like 2x per week. I aint a fitness expert so im just saying that to say, maybe you wont have to do things THAT often. As for cardio, it helps if you drive less, walk more. Health is a lesser concern in countries (some european ones) where places are at walkable distances.

 

[robotomy]

I have no idea on your history, environment etc but changing your body will only do that. It DOESNT change your mind, brain chemistry, etc. I went from skinny to decent build but I'm still autistic and still thinking a million miles a second about everything. If anything it made my schedule worse - changing diet, days at the gym, upper/lower body workouts, watching videos to exercises correctly with exact posture, etc. I know people say exercising releases "happy" hormones but overall I don't think it changed me that much.

Hair at least you can style and change so there's that. I mean I tend to rant on about subjects so I don't know. If it's conversation or any of it helps then maybe it's a step?

Relate to the self hate stuff though. Don't know the solution myself on that one.

Yeah thats me right now feels like i have to learn a whole new sport/skill with all the technicalities and movement variations. If it was at least fun then id feel less overwhelmed with all that info. And yeah its making my schedule worse too, partly because even as a decently active guy, its such a new kind of exercise that its disruptive mentally. Not to mention the whole dieting protocols, and wtf people have to think about "cutting", "bulking", protein powder, preworkout something, etc? I wanna peek inside a weightlifter's head to see how they deal with this sisyphus-tier chore.

I mostly agree with the occasionality of the happy hormones thing, except it is definitely a thing for something like runner's high (which might require previous training and fitness buildup). Regardless, I think that OUTDOOR exercise will have a better chance of boosting mood, if any. Ignoring happy hormones though, the one thing going outside (exercise or not) helps with is a brief clearing of mind, however temporary.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Yeah thats me right now feels like i have to learn a whole new sport/skill with all the technicalities and movement variations. If it was at least fun then id feel less overwhelmed with all that info. And yeah its making my schedule worse too, partly because even as a decently active guy, its such a new kind of exercise that its disruptive mentally. Not to mention the whole dieting protocols, and wtf people have to think about "cutting", "bulking", protein powder, preworkout something, etc? I wanna peek inside a weightlifter's head to see how they deal with this sisyphus-tier chore.

I mostly agree with the occasionality of the happy hormones thing, except it is definitely a thing for something like runner's high (which might require previous training and fitness buildup). Regardless, I think that OUTDOOR exercise will have a better chance of boosting mood, if any. Ignoring happy hormones though, the one thing going outside (exercise or not) helps with is a brief clearing of mind, however temporary.

I did it with golf. Never played it but in 2/3 years went from 0 skill to basically hitting stats that people on tour have (swing speed, carry distance, etc) a lot of autistic people get into golf because it's solitary, has a lot of physics involved (ball speed, angle of attack, swing plane, draw/fade, shot shaping, etc).
Problem was that money started changing and couldn't so it anymore. It's also a heavily mental sport so if your brain is fucked your physicality doesn't matter. I'd say it can make you more neurotic compared to any other sport.

Anyway it was my gateway to the animal sanctuary in Spain and all that. All gone now though. Times up I'm afraid.

 

[robotomy]

I did it with golf. Never played it but in 2/3 years went from 0 skill to basically hitting stats that people on tour have (swing speed, carry distance, etc) a lot of autistic people get into golf because it's solitary, has a lot of physics involved (ball speed, angle of attack, swing plane, draw/fade, shot shaping, etc).
Problem was that money started changing and couldn't so it anymore. It's also a heavily mental sport so if your brain is fucked your physicality doesn't matter. I'd say it can make you more neurotic compared to any other sport.

Anyway it was my gateway to the animal sanctuary in Spain and all that. All gone now though. Times up I'm afraid.

Basketball isn't my main sport but I started just shooting around a nearby hoop last year. Idk why but sometimes I'm out there for forever, my head stuck in it. And trying to perfect shooting for the sake of it. There's like 10 different mini mechanics that I learned about and added as I went along. Has to be a put together into a single smooth motion. And it clears my head a bit. Reminds me of the "man chopping wood outside his house" trope. Maybe golf is similar to my approach here, because while it can be peaceful, I'm sometimes a bit neurotic about my own shot too.

 

[divinemistress36]

One thing to keep in mind is unless they die young eventually even beautiful people will become old and wrinkly and loose their looks. It only benefits them for a short time

 

[Cosis]

One thing to keep in mind is unless they die young eventually even beautiful people will become old and wrinkly and loose their looks. It only benefits them for a short time

And? Those benefits are life long.

They have healthy relationships starting as children. Even Babies have negative reactions to people seen as ugly through photos. They have better friend groups, stronger social connections, a real dating life where they get to "try out" multiple people to see who is right for them. The leads to more confidence due to their successes as teenagers, which means more motivation, more hard work, and a better job. The Halo Effect of them being attractive also benefits them in job interviews where the candidate was seen a "more personable" and a "better fit for company culture" when they were more attractive but had almost the same resume and the same general attitude.

These people find marriage, kids, a family that loves them and a fulfilling life ALL BEFORE THE AGE OF 40. That's when their looks start to fade. Their life is set, and they can sit back and relax into old age where they don't need their looks to benefit them anymore, they will have $$$ and a healthy set of relationships to support them.

Ugly as Fuck people are always Ugly as Fuck. They never get any of those things previously mentioned and in addition get shit on for not having them because they didn't "work hard enough" or "work on their personality". Ugly people have life long consequences for just being themselves.

 

[RedDoor]

I get how you feel, looking at my image makes me sick. It completely kills every ounce of self esteem i might have however little it might be