echolocation
New Member
- Sep 15, 2024
- 3
i've been thinking too much and i haven't taken my meds in well over two or three weeks because they're too expensive. like, it's $65 for a bottle of ketamine, but i'm a shitty hikineet so of course I have no fucking income. I don't even have enough money to my name to even by that and nothing else. i don't even know what's going on with my dad's job. we used to be comfortable and now we're barely getting by. i'm scared. i can't tell him i'm scared or he'll freak out and make me feel bad for bringing it up. i just want reassurance that everything is okay, but he won't give it to me.
idk maybe i'm thinking like this because of that reason. but i hate being human. i want to be something else. like a vapor or a gas or collective consciousness. anything but human. i keep thinking about how we're all just organisms and so we're more or less the same, but that makes me even more suicidal because i remember nobody thinks this way and i have to deal with the dog shit racism and transphobia and everything else in this country. everything is so depressing. i dont see people as human, i see them as just meat. but i don't mean that in like, some nihilistic way. just like, you and i are exactly the same. but nobody thinks that and nobody is going to see that.
i wrote a stupid journal comic about it. i posted it on my private twitter and nobody cared. it really made me feel like my words or existence mean nothing. i have no reason to speak and my friends are just tolerating me at this point. even though likes mean nothing, it at least makes me know that you see what i'm saying and you actually give a shit that i exist. i worked on it all night. i never do that with anything, and i haven't even been able to draw for years, and it's supposed to be my fucking job (but nobody's hiring so it's totally pointless anyway) i've been screaming "I'M MISERABLE IM MISERABLE PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME" and nobody listens. all of my friends know this and they don't try. they know i want to kill myself but they dont try. i don't think they would even care if i died. i think they would move on with their life and forget about me. i had nothing to offer. i was always on the sidelines of every little friend group, and that plays into how my stupid career worsk because it's all about being nice and knowing people. i don't like talking to anyone because i'm scared they'll hate me--in turn i get no jobs. i don't make and post art because i'm scared someone will hate it. its an ouroboros and i'm just fucking myself over because i have like 4 mental illnesses that make my life terrible.
but i keep seeing kids on twitter posting animations and stuff. they're like teenagers, and they're already incredible. i wsas around in a time where you had to really dig for stuff, and after all these years. i'm still shit. i'm still shit and when i try to animate nothing fucking happens. it's stupid to hate on a bunch of kids but i cant help but be bitter that they're unafraid to do their stupid jujutsu kaisen fan animations even if they look like shit. even if they have no structure. they always end up getting better and i'm stuck here barely able to get past the fundamentals anymore. it makes me want to fucking die. this is all i've wanted to do for my entire life, and i can't do it. i have no other prospects. i'm not good at anything else except art. like if i cant even get a fucking retail job despite the shit i do then like, what is the fucking point.
i fucking hate everyone. i fucking wish i was loved and cared for. i want a reason to exist.
i dont even know why im fucking posting on this STUPID fucking site like as if anyone gives a shit. youre all just gonna go "thats too bad" and carry on wallowing but i'm going to do the same thing because im a stupid fucking idiot human.
idk maybe i'm thinking like this because of that reason. but i hate being human. i want to be something else. like a vapor or a gas or collective consciousness. anything but human. i keep thinking about how we're all just organisms and so we're more or less the same, but that makes me even more suicidal because i remember nobody thinks this way and i have to deal with the dog shit racism and transphobia and everything else in this country. everything is so depressing. i dont see people as human, i see them as just meat. but i don't mean that in like, some nihilistic way. just like, you and i are exactly the same. but nobody thinks that and nobody is going to see that.
i wrote a stupid journal comic about it. i posted it on my private twitter and nobody cared. it really made me feel like my words or existence mean nothing. i have no reason to speak and my friends are just tolerating me at this point. even though likes mean nothing, it at least makes me know that you see what i'm saying and you actually give a shit that i exist. i worked on it all night. i never do that with anything, and i haven't even been able to draw for years, and it's supposed to be my fucking job (but nobody's hiring so it's totally pointless anyway) i've been screaming "I'M MISERABLE IM MISERABLE PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME" and nobody listens. all of my friends know this and they don't try. they know i want to kill myself but they dont try. i don't think they would even care if i died. i think they would move on with their life and forget about me. i had nothing to offer. i was always on the sidelines of every little friend group, and that plays into how my stupid career worsk because it's all about being nice and knowing people. i don't like talking to anyone because i'm scared they'll hate me--in turn i get no jobs. i don't make and post art because i'm scared someone will hate it. its an ouroboros and i'm just fucking myself over because i have like 4 mental illnesses that make my life terrible.
but i keep seeing kids on twitter posting animations and stuff. they're like teenagers, and they're already incredible. i wsas around in a time where you had to really dig for stuff, and after all these years. i'm still shit. i'm still shit and when i try to animate nothing fucking happens. it's stupid to hate on a bunch of kids but i cant help but be bitter that they're unafraid to do their stupid jujutsu kaisen fan animations even if they look like shit. even if they have no structure. they always end up getting better and i'm stuck here barely able to get past the fundamentals anymore. it makes me want to fucking die. this is all i've wanted to do for my entire life, and i can't do it. i have no other prospects. i'm not good at anything else except art. like if i cant even get a fucking retail job despite the shit i do then like, what is the fucking point.
i fucking hate everyone. i fucking wish i was loved and cared for. i want a reason to exist.
i dont even know why im fucking posting on this STUPID fucking site like as if anyone gives a shit. youre all just gonna go "thats too bad" and carry on wallowing but i'm going to do the same thing because im a stupid fucking idiot human.
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