Why can't I just be the cool person that I want to be so desperately. My boyfriend today says I'm too clingy and he thinks we're incompatible because of it. I just wanted to hang out with him.. I keep thinking about when he liked me and wanted to hang out with me everyday and I feel really sad. Was I really that annoying to lose that? I hate that I lost that... I want it back so badly but I can't. If I dm I'll annoy him. If I say I feel like I'm annoying, it'll annoy him. I'm so fucking miserable and I hate myself so much. I'm just unlovable... I'm just impossible to be with. I had a hard childhood and now my abandonment issues have destroyed me...
Is the issue that you want to much closeness, or that he doesn't want any? Aside from human contact are there other things that bring you comfort in life?
_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,109
dont change yourself for someone else. there are quite a lot people who exactly love people like you who are clingy because it makes them feel wanted.
edit: maybe you aint even clingy at all, who knows its very subjective anyway..
edit: maybe you aint even clingy at all, who knows its very subjective anyway..
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I don't really know what he wants. When we call he acts like he can't wait to leave, so I confront him about it and he gets angry at me for doubting that he wants to call with me. When he abruptly says he has to go I get sad, and he says he hates it when I get sad because then he feels bad. I don't mean to make him feel guilty, I don't beg him to stay or anything... I just get disappointed when he goes...
This doesn't sound like you're being clingy. It sounds like he is being avoidant. Are you certain he's not being unfaithful?
I have absolutely no idea. He can be so cold sometimes... On my birthday he didn't say happy birthday to me and I was really sad because my family doesn't care about my birthday. I spent the evening crying and he told me that sometimes I can be really fun, but those fun times are outweighed by conversations like this. I felt awful...
That's pretty awful. Spend your next birthday with us. Was he always this cold or did it change at some point?
Where do i find a girl like you :/ ... Being wished for your birthday however is a reasonable expectation and if he doesnt have the sense to do even that, then he isnt the right man for you, exception being that he forgot.
dec132013
Member
- Aug 6, 2020
- 98
ngl sounds like hes the problem and you deserve better
He wasn't at the start. He seemed to really like me at the start. I don't know what I did wrong... I don't know what I did wrong... I just wanted to hang out with him. It's not awful to wanna spend time with someone you love right?
When the suggestion of a breakup arose he asked if we can still hangout. I said I couldn't do that and then he did a 180 saying we should stay together. I don't know what he wants...
When the suggestion of a breakup arose he asked if we can still hangout. I said I couldn't do that and then he did a 180 saying we should stay together. I don't know what he wants...
He doesn't love you, hes attached to you. Ive been down this roller coaster.
He's stringing you along. I've been there, It hurts like hell. If you can distance yourself from him you might want to see if it helps you gain your confidence and independence back. He's not a good guy.
I just can't help but think that if I was a better person he wouldn't do this...
wrong,wrong,wrong. don't blame someone else's problems on yourself. you haven't done anything wrong as far as i can see ,apart from want the attention you deserve to get.
not even saying happy birthday, let alone the fact he should be with you and treating you to a nice present or surprise( it doesn't have to expensive either, although it would be nice!!) is just wrong!
what i can say is that some people like the attention, holding hands,kissing etc more than others, this is where people become compatable or at least make a compromise. I think you deserve a whole lot better IMO
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GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Alternate thread title suggestion: I hate being gaslighted
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You think he's gaslighting?
Thank you btw... You guys are helping a lot I haven't talked about this before
Thank you btw... You guys are helping a lot I haven't talked about this before
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I don't know what gaslighting is,so i can't comment!! I don't know what a few of these terms used on here are. im still learning lol
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Gaslighting is trying to convince someone of a different version of reality than what they perceive so that they will doubt their perceptions and rely on the gaslighter's version. It's a tactic to manipulate/control another.
So make them think that what they say is the truth, and they should do everything they say because they are right?
is that right?
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
The gaslighter has control over a situation and/or a person because they define reality for the other person.
Example: I tell you that I heard you say it's because they are right, I read it right there. You say, no I didn't say that. I respond, yes you did, it's right there, I quoted it. You say, no, you're misinterpreting it. I say, but it's right there. You say, I know exactly what I said because I said it, you're seeing things/misinterpreting things/crazy/didn't take your meds/you always do this, etc.
If I accept what you're telling me over my own perceptions, then you have power over me. The more I give in to your bs, the more power you have over me. I will stop relying on my own perceptions and instead rely on you to define what I perceive. If you go away, I no longer have trust in my own perceptions, and I don't have you to interpret for me, either, so I am helpless, will probably want you back, and if I don't want you back or you don't return, I will be more vulnerable to others who control.
Got it! you put it into better words than me!! basically a controlling person, making someone not be able to think for themselves.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
Either for a specific situation, or over the relationship or entire person. I've had people do it to me for specific situations, but if we had any kind of ongoing relationship, they tended to use that or another manipulation technique for any situation between us that they wanted control over. Worse was when they wanted total control over the relationship, and worst, over me.
I understand it now. i haven't experienced it myself, but i know it is totally wrong though! a person who is meant to love another would never behave like this.
I can't say i'm an angel, iv'e been in relationships and argued and had fights. but iv'e never tried to make someone feel wortless and not be able to think for themselves(no judgement about that). Its pure evil to do this to someone else IMO.
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
@checkouttime, here's a other example. Not trying to take over the thread, but this might help @OverTheRainbow if she's not used to identifying gaslighting tactics. It can often be subtle, or make one have reasonable doubt about themselves.
I had a family member I got back in contact with after a long estrangement. We were friends on facebook and only communicated in messenger.
After six months, I announced I was leaving facebook, and anyone who wanted to keep in touch could send me a PM and request my email address. She sent me a PM and said she wished me well and goodbye.
I didn't shut down my account, I just blocked everyone.
A few months later, I unblocked her but didn't refriend so that I could contact her about something via messenger.
A couple months after that, I told her I was returning to latin america, and told her when.
After I got there, she sent me a friend request. I ignored it. We briefly communicated on messenger, no mention of the friend request.
Then I started dealing with some things and didn't check messenger much. A month or two in, she contacted me and said she was worried about me. I ignored it. There was no reason to worry, and we didn't have the kind of relationship where we had any accountability to each other, nor did we talk much to each other about what was going on in our lives. Things had never thawed to that point.
A week later, she sent me some forwarded virtue signaling bullshit thing. I ignored it.
I had reconnected with a few friends in facebook when I moved back. I forgot to hide my friends list. after three months there, I moved, didn't tell anyone, didn't hang out while I was there. A month after I left the area, she contacted one of my friends there, said she was a relative and hadn't heard from me, and asked for my email address. The friend gave it to her.
I know this because she sent me an email, and my friend sent one right after telling me what had happened.
The email from the relative did not admit this. She said, "I don't know if this is still a good email address for you. I haven't heard from you since you returned to Latin America. Hope you're okay."
Did you catch that? She acted as if I'd previously given her the email address. Remember how I offered it to my Facebook friends and she said goodbye? And remember that she knew when I was moving, and that we communicated after I moved?
I did not respond to her email. And I did not respond to the one from the friend who disclosed my personal information without my consent (she and I both had fucked up family situations, she was out of line for disclosing).
It gets better!
A couple weeks later, my friend posted on a community forum that no one had heard from me. Drama much?? Flying monkey much?
I'll stop the story there, but some drama was stirred up. I never contacted the friend who gave my relative my information, I didn't owe her an explanation. I waited a few months and emailed the relative, called out her bullshit, told her that I was done with her and that if she ever used my email address again, it would be further evidence she had no respect for my boundaries and autonomy. I also told her that she lied to my friend and owed her an explanation, and I wasn't going to clean up her mess for her. I doubt she cleaned it up either, and my former friend got played. Not my problem. Should have kept her nose out of it or contacted me first.
People who gaslight? No contact is the best policy. They have no respect for others' autonomy and boundaries. They know what they're doing. They may think it's justified and convince themselves it's for the good, as is my relative's way. That's hardly less dangerous than an intentional predator, in some ways worse.
The End
After six months, I announced I was leaving facebook, and anyone who wanted to keep in touch could send me a PM and request my email address. She sent me a PM and said she wished me well and goodbye.
I didn't shut down my account, I just blocked everyone.
A few months later, I unblocked her but didn't refriend so that I could contact her about something via messenger.
A couple months after that, I told her I was returning to latin america, and told her when.
After I got there, she sent me a friend request. I ignored it. We briefly communicated on messenger, no mention of the friend request.
Then I started dealing with some things and didn't check messenger much. A month or two in, she contacted me and said she was worried about me. I ignored it. There was no reason to worry, and we didn't have the kind of relationship where we had any accountability to each other, nor did we talk much to each other about what was going on in our lives. Things had never thawed to that point.
A week later, she sent me some forwarded virtue signaling bullshit thing. I ignored it.
I had reconnected with a few friends in facebook when I moved back. I forgot to hide my friends list. after three months there, I moved, didn't tell anyone, didn't hang out while I was there. A month after I left the area, she contacted one of my friends there, said she was a relative and hadn't heard from me, and asked for my email address. The friend gave it to her.
I know this because she sent me an email, and my friend sent one right after telling me what had happened.
The email from the relative did not admit this. She said, "I don't know if this is still a good email address for you. I haven't heard from you since you returned to Latin America. Hope you're okay."
Did you catch that? She acted as if I'd previously given her the email address. Remember how I offered it to my Facebook friends and she said goodbye? And remember that she knew when I was moving, and that we communicated after I moved?
I did not respond to her email. And I did not respond to the one from the friend who disclosed my personal information without my consent (she and I both had fucked up family situations, she was out of line for disclosing).
It gets better!
A couple weeks later, my friend posted on a community forum that no one had heard from me. Drama much?? Flying monkey much?
I'll stop the story there, but some drama was stirred up. I never contacted the friend who gave my relative my information, I didn't owe her an explanation. I waited a few months and emailed the relative, called out her bullshit, told her that I was done with her and that if she ever used my email address again, it would be further evidence she had no respect for my boundaries and autonomy. I also told her that she lied to my friend and owed her an explanation, and I wasn't going to clean up her mess for her. I doubt she cleaned it up either, and my former friend got played. Not my problem. Should have kept her nose out of it or contacted me first.
People who gaslight? No contact is the best policy. They have no respect for others' autonomy and boundaries. They know what they're doing. They may think it's justified and convince themselves it's for the good, as is my relative's way. That's hardly less dangerous than an intentional predator, in some ways worse.
The End
Wow, thats mad. so i was like...well you've got a stalker there....but then they turned on their relative
Yes sorry OP for hijacking the thread. I was interested in what it was so maybe i could help.
I can see why you are saying they person is doing this , as OP thinks they are the problem, because someone is saying that they are, making them think that. when really there are NOT!
Yes sorry OP for hijacking the thread. I was interested in what it was so maybe i could help.
I can see why you are saying they person is doing this , as OP thinks they are the problem, because someone is saying that they are, making them think that. when really there are NOT!
When he said that hurtful thing on my birthday I reacted very upset. He then said I was reading far too into what he said and jumped to the worst conclusion about it. He says I read too much into things all the time...
Chupacabra 44
If boredom were a CTB method, I would be long gone
- Sep 13, 2020
- 710
I used to be super clingy myself. After a significant break up from a long term relationship and explaining to a sibling how I always viewed my ex in partner as a security blanket. My sibling had me attend meetings on codependence. These meetings helped a lot.
I understand myself better now, and I'm no longer clingy. It was a difficult couple of years for me during the process, but I am glad that I went through it.
I understand myself better now, and I'm no longer clingy. It was a difficult couple of years for me during the process, but I am glad that I went through it.
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woxihuanni
Illuminated
- Aug 19, 2019
- 3,299
In order not to give in to gaslighting, you need to stop the voices in your head that tell you you are defective somehow. My spouse tries to gaslight me into believing that they didn't bring me here, they didn't take all the steps into the relationship: first touch, hug, kiss, invitation to their home, invitation to live together, promise to commitment. Apparently I randomly fell out of the sky into this house.
Gaslighters need to be literally gaslighted. With a lot of gas, and a single match.
Gaslighters need to be literally gaslighted. With a lot of gas, and a single match.
