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lugerepair

I don't like life
Oct 15, 2020
165
So I have a seemingly incurable mood disorder called PMDD. I don't have it in me to kill myself. I don't have it in me to find a job. I don't have it in me to do, well, anything I want to do. All I do is exist. I hate this life, the crushing loneliness, and the fact that every single month, I want to die. And I don't know how to get out of this situation. I feel stuck. I feel very, very stuck. And I can't actually use any of the mental health services that exist because what I really want to do is vent about this ever-present feeling of life not being worth living, but I don't feel safe telling most people about that. I don't want to be sent to a psychiatric hospital against my will or anything like that. People say "help is available" and that's such a lie. It will never cease to amaze me how clueless most people are. As far as I can tell, help is NOT available, or if it is, it requires jumping through hoops that a person with a fucked up brain like mine isn't able to jump through.
 
Q

Quiet Desperation

Lonely wanderer
Dec 7, 2020
204
So I have a seemingly incurable mood disorder called PMDD. I don't have it in me to kill myself. I don't have it in me to find a job. I don't have it in me to do, well, anything I want to do. All I do is exist. I hate this life, the crushing loneliness, and the fact that every single month, I want to die. And I don't know how to get out of this situation. I feel stuck. I feel very, very stuck. And I can't actually use any of the mental health services that exist because what I really want to do is vent about this ever-present feeling of life not being worth living, but I don't feel safe telling most people about that. I don't want to be sent to a psychiatric hospital against my will or anything like that. People say "help is available" and that's such a lie. It will never cease to amaze me how clueless most people are. As far as I can tell, help is NOT available, or if it is, it requires jumping through hoops that a person with a fucked up brain like mine isn't able to jump through.
I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Mood disorder, no job, anhedonia, lonely, etc. My personal experience is that fellow patients are more helpful than the doctors. We're here to listen if you want, that's what SS is all about.
 
L

lugerepair

I don't like life
Oct 15, 2020
165
I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Mood disorder, no job, anhedonia, lonely, etc. My personal experience is that fellow patients are more helpful than the doctors. We're here to listen if you want, that's what SS is all about.
Thank you. I do agree that fellow patients are more helpful. My doctor is the worst. She makes me feel worse when I talk to her. To be honest, I don't even feel like I can talk to her. All she knows how to do, is give out medication. She isn't even helpful when it comes to adjusting medications. I have to do my own research to figure out what I need, and then ask her for it, because she is clueless otherwise. What I really need is a psychiatrist, but she said there is a very long waiting list for that, etc. Besides, I've seen a couple psychiatrists in the past, and they didn't seem that much better. And sure, my doctor prescribes medications, and the medications have helped somewhat. But it's still not enough. It's not enough to give me the ability to do the things I want to do, to support myself financially, to have a life that doesn't suck.
I often wish I had energy. I don't know why I don't have energy. I'm always tired. But even if I did have energy, what would I even do with it? I'd probably have to spend most of it on a stupid job.
 
Last edited:
Q

Quiet Desperation

Lonely wanderer
Dec 7, 2020
204
Thank you. I do agree that fellow patients are more helpful. My doctor is the worst. She makes me feel worse when I talk to her. To be honest, I don't even feel like I can talk to her. All she knows how to do, is give out medication. She isn't even helpful when it comes to adjusting medications. I have to do my own research to figure out what I need, and then ask her for it, because she is clueless otherwise. What I really need is a psychiatrist, but she said there is a very long waiting list for that, etc. Besides, I've seen a couple psychiatrists in the past, and they didn't seem that much better. And sure, my doctor prescribes medications, and the medications have helped somewhat. But it's still not enough. It's not enough to give me the ability to do the things I want to do, to support myself financially, to have a life that doesn't suck.
I often wish I had energy. I don't know why I don't have energy. I'm always tired. But even if I did have energy, what would I even do with it? I'd probably have to spend most of it on a stupid job.
Sorry to hear about your experiences with your doctors, that sounds pretty frustrating and all too similar to other accounts I've heard. I know meds help a lot of people, so I'm not totally down on them, but sometimes I wonder if we would receive better care through medication in addition to other therapy. Talk therapy, exercise, nutrition, stuff like that. I'm not too familiar with the treatment of PMDD, but I found some of those helpful for my issues when I had the will to try.

I feel you about the lack of energy. Most days I don't leave my place at all, and when I do it's only for the necessary items to continue existing.
 
L

lugerepair

I don't like life
Oct 15, 2020
165
Sorry to hear about your experiences with your doctors, that sounds pretty frustrating and all too similar to other accounts I've heard. I know meds help a lot of people, so I'm not totally down on them, but sometimes I wonder if we would receive better care through medication in addition to other therapy. Talk therapy, exercise, nutrition, stuff like that. I'm not too familiar with the treatment of PMDD, but I found some of those helpful for my issues when I had the will to try.

I feel you about the lack of energy. Most days I don't leave my place at all, and when I do it's only for the necessary items to continue existing.
Same here. I hardly ever go outside, except when I need to buy food and/or meds. I hardly ever leave my bed, even. Outside kind of sucks anyway. Maybe if I lived near a nice park or something. But I live in a boring part of the city.
 
elfgyoza

elfgyoza

Cursed
Aug 5, 2019
326
I feel like you could've just written all this on my behalf haha
Just completely apathetic towards life most of the time? Never enough energy to do anything worth living for, but never enough to die either. Wanting to simply not exist rather than participate in this shitty society
 
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justanotherstar

justanotherstar

Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
Nov 23, 2020
345
I have PMDD and for a long time I was told there was nothing that could be done and treated like my experience was no different to that of every woman's menstruation but I spent 14 months in hospital (not just for PMDD, I'm extremely fucked up with a load of other diagnosis so please don't panic that you will need to go anywhere near a hospital), anyway the point I'm getting to is that my psychiatrist there was the first person to ever validate my experience and he said it's not normal to be suicidal every month and that things can be done. His suggestion was to get the mirena coil fitted. I don't know if this is something you've ever tried but it literally changed my life. It was rough the first few months but very shortly after that my periods stopped altogether, I get the occasional bleed but most importantly the mood side of things really settled down for me. It couldn't believe something so simple could fix something that ruined my life for so many years. It may not work for everyone and I'm sure your life Is much more complex than just the PMDD but if it will help in any way then it could be worth considering.

i hear your pain OP, I'm glad you have this site so you can speak to people who get that life is painful and won't judge you or panic
 
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L

lugerepair

I don't like life
Oct 15, 2020
165
I have PMDD and for a long time I was told there was nothing that could be done and treated like my experience was no different to that of every woman's menstruation but I spent 14 months in hospital (not just for PMDD, I'm extremely fucked up with a load of other diagnosis so please don't panic that you will need to go anywhere near a hospital), anyway the point I'm getting to is that my psychiatrist there was the first person to ever validate my experience and he said it's not normal to be suicidal every month and that things can be done. His suggestion was to get the mirena coil fitted. I don't know if this is something you've ever tried but it literally changed my life. It was rough the first few months but very shortly after that my periods stopped altogether, I get the occasional bleed but most importantly the mood side of things really settled down for me. It couldn't believe something so simple could fix something that ruined my life for so many years. It may not work for everyone and I'm sure your life Is much more complex than just the PMDD but if it will help in any way then it could be worth considering.

i hear your pain OP, I'm glad you have this site so you can speak to people who get that life is painful and won't judge you or panic
For a while I was on hormonal birth control (not Mirena), and it did help a lot with my moods. And then for some stupid reason I stopped it, I guess because at the time I didn't know I had PMDD and I hadn't realized that it would start again once I stopped. Well, the thing that worries me is that the first time I went on it, it took several months for it to actually start working, and those several months I actually felt really horrible mood-wise, plus it gave me really bad acne. And right now I think that if I wind up feeling even worse than I do now due to starting birth control, I might completely lose my ability to function at all, and I'm at a point in my life where things are changing all around me and I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is. And then there is the issue that I get migraines and I'm afraid it will make the migraines worse. So I'm very hesitant to start birth control again. The truth is, I should have never stopped. That was a huge mistake that I made and I wish I had never made it. If I could go back in the past and change things, I would never, ever stop taking it.
 

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