Venting I hate a life that doesn't follow my conditions

[Praestat_Mori]

I worked hard for almost all my life, more than 20 years to reach goals I always wanted to reach. Most of them I could achieve to have a life I always wished for but in the end it failed and why am I forced to live a life now that I don't want to live? And it's still so fucking difficult to CTB because there's still too much hope left. I hate it. I fucking hate it!!

 

[CW36]

What forms does your hope take Praestat?

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Yes, I struggle with this idea of remaining hope.

I try to tell myself that I am already dead essentially, because our lives are so incredibly short and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Whether I continue my life for another year, 5 years, 20 years... in the end it's pretty meaningless anyway. Dying earlier to avoid extended suffering and avoid living an unsatisfactory existence seems logically the smarter idea. But I'm not so sure that survival instinct is always completely logical or rational.

And also, giving up on life requires a blind leap into the great unknown... the void feels appealing, but so big and intimidating at the same time. I live much of my life in a calculated and measured way, but death is letting go of everything and trusting that it will be a good decision!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

What forms does your hope take Praestat?

It's either a have new business idea that brings me forward or a job I like that I love to do because then it's not work. This is how most of my life was. Pretty much "easy". So I still have hopes I could have "luck" again, but obviously I don't. Well yes I still could be lucky but I don't deserve in regards of succession.

 

[CW36]

It's either a have new business idea that brings me forward or a job I like that I love to do because then it's not work. This is how most of my life was. Pretty much "easy". So I still have hopes I could have "luck" again, but obviously I don't. Well yes I still could be lucky but I don't deserve in regards of succession.

Yeah I get you. I think if you've had a decent life like ourselves, then the hope is more real. I can see why many with appallingly bad and abusive upbringings would find it easier to CTB. I think the easiest state to be in, would be when you reach the point of not even caring if success was to come your way again. A robot like state of mind where no one and nothing will affect the eventual outcome.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

I worked hard for almost all my life, more than 20 years to reach goals I always wanted to reach. Most of them I could achieve to have a life I always wished for but in the end it failed and why am I forced to live a life now that I don't want to live? And it's still so fucking difficult to CTB because there's still too much hope left. I hate it. I fucking hate it!!

I am eventually going to CTB with starvation like I wanted to in 2021.

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

 

[CW36]

I am eventually going to CTB with starvation like I wanted to in 2021.

I wanted to CTB for the first time when I was 16 in September 2021 as I was suffering from great jealousy and depression for the fact that people were always getting what they want, being able to go to a college campus and make friends along the way and I was suffering at home, yelled at by my stupid narcissistic family. Now here comes the weird/interesting part: Since I loved airports so much, my method of CTB was to run away, go to Manchester Airport and spend the rest of my life planespotting until I eventually starve myself to death and die as a happy man (from the pleasure of watching planes).

That's a unique CTB. I suppose you might witness others dying at the same time. BA has been dicing with death for decades.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Yes, I struggle with this idea of remaining hope.

I try to tell myself that I am already dead essentially, because our lives are so incredibly short and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Whether I continue my life for another year, 5 years, 20 years... in the end it's pretty meaningless anyway. Dying earlier to avoid extended suffering and avoid living an unsatisfactory existence seems logically the smarter idea. But I'm not so sure that survival instinct is always completely logical or rational.

And also, giving up on life requires a blind leap into the great unknown... the void feels appealing, but so big and intimidating at the same time. I live much of my life in a calculated and measured way, but death is letting go of everything and trusting that it will be a good decision!

SI is irrational in any case when it comes to CTB! Within the universe human existence doesn't matter at all, even if humans survived until the sun becomes a red giant and will grill earth the universe will still exist for billions of billions of years not caring about "humans". They will be inevitably grilled not later than the sun becomes a red giant. Whatever comes after death is unknown and will always be unknown to us. But I believe it's certainly nothing bad, it's a positive transition, stars had to die for creating the elements we exists of and so this is a big process throughout the universe it's evolution that will end even in the death of the universe at some point, when all the hydrogen gas is fused into heavier elements and the expansion force will blow everything up into permanent darkness.
SI is irrational in any case when it comes to CTB! Within the universe human existence doesn't matter at all, even if humans survived until the sun becomes a red giant and will grill earth the universe will still exist for billions of billions of years not caring about "humans". They will be inevitably grilled not later than the sun becomes a red giant. Whatever comes after death is unknown and will always be unknown to us. But I believe it's certainly nothing bad, it's a positive transition, stars had to die for creating the elements we exists of and so this is a big process throughout the universe it's evolution that will end even in the death of the universe at some point, when all the hydrogen gas is fused into heavier elements and the expansion force will blow everything up into permanent darkness.

am eventually going to CTB with starvation like I wanted to in 2021.

Starvation is never an option, food is one of the very rare things that still make me happy! It's almost impossible if you asked me. Slow,painful, lots of SI to be defeated and so on.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

That's a unique CTB. I suppose you might witness others dying at the same time. BA has been dicing with death for decades.

Apologies but what does BA stand for? Is it British Airways?

And it is indeed a unique CTB. I don't think I will se anyone die, just people near me taking photos and videos of the view.

 

[Orbitc]

I envy you - I never had hope that something would change in my life. I understood from an early age that I would have to work only for survival - to pay rent, food and other necessary things. I wasn't born into a wealthy banker's family and couldn't go to Harvard - I knew from the start that my life was going to be shit and couldn't be anything else.

 

[CW36]

Apologies but what does BA stand for? Is it British Airways?

And it is indeed a unique CTB. I don't think I will se anyone die, just people near me taking photos and videos of the view.

Yes.

Yes, unlikely with today's safety standards.

 

[whywere]

Reading your thread brought back memories to me from June 2020. I had a position that I really liked, had been at the same firm for 29 years and 7 months and got laid off. It hurt like hell, and I was disappointed that my life went upside down in a flash.

BUT I told myself, like you mentioned that there was hope for a new position and for me it always is the "what if" comes into play. 27 months later the SAME firm rehired me, and I reminded myself, what I told myself back in early July 2020, never say never and there is hope.

Same for you, with your caring and loving nature and intelligence you will do well. At 67, I am a firm believer in the aspect of hope, especially after June 2020.

Lots of well wishes and sunny blue skies to you, my good friend.

Walter

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I envy you - I never had hope that something would change in my life. I understood from an early age that I would have to work only for survival - to pay rent, food and other necessary things. I wasn't born into a wealthy banker's family and couldn't go to Harvard - I knew from the start that my life was going to be shit and couldn't be anything else.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I climbed up the ladder for many years but the decline with no way out, at least I still didn't find one, hurts much more and makes it even more difficult in my opinion. And regarding my age (middle age of an avg. life time) makes it even more difficult.

Reading your thread brought back memories to me from June 2020. I had a position that I really liked, had been at the same firm for 29 years and 7 months and got laid off. It hurt like hell, and I was disappointed that my life went upside down in a flash.

BUT I told myself, like you mentioned that there was hope for a new position and for me it always is the "what if" comes into play. 27 months later the SAME firm rehired me, and I reminded myself, what I told myself back in early July 2020, never say never and there is hope.

Same for you, with your caring and loving nature and intelligence you will do well. At 67, I am a firm believer in the aspect of hope, especially after June 2020.

Lots of well wishes and sunny blue skies to you, my good friend.

Walter

Thanks for your warmhearted words! You are right with having hope and you were lucky that your "old company" wanted you back. I never worked in a 9-5 for just one company, always entrepeneur / freelance and that makes it difficult now! The only option is a 9-5 slave job which I reject in any case, just to keep me alive, because I'd also have to give up so much other freedom I have. I really prefer CTB instead of becoming a slave in the system.

 

[Orbitc]

At least you have good memories. You must appreciate it

 

[Praestat_Mori]

At least you have good memories. You must appreciate it

Tbh if I think about them, watching photos, thinking about "better times" that makes me more depressed and want me CTB even earlier! Memories aren't a good thing for me. They just remind me of a future that I don't like to be forced to live, unless I could reach and top those experiences. I Iived my life already, there's nothing I want to achieve at any costs any more. I'm out of energy for that.

 

[lachrymost]

Like, I tried my best. I failed. That's horrendous, but at least let me "call it". Game over. Fail state. End. Instead I'm stuck here to live out the punishment of that failure.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Like, I tried my best. I failed. That's horrendous, but at least let me "call it". Game over. Fail state. End. Instead I'm stuck here to live out the punishment of that failure.

I prefer to CTB that was always clear to me throughout my life that I would consider this option at some points, it's still so incredibly difficult to do it. I don't see a legit reason why I (or any other human beings in general) should be punished for a failure in their lives? In this case I see death as the only relief, if it was only easier to just press the exit button.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring having to suffer like that, I get that it's so dreadful feeling trapped in a situation you hate. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Orbitc]

Tbh if I think about them, watching photos, thinking about "better times" that makes me more depressed and want me CTB even earlier! Memories aren't a good thing for me. They just remind me of a future that I don't like to be forced to live, unless I could reach and top those experiences. I Iived my life already, there's nothing I want to achieve at any costs any more. I'm out of energy for that.

If you have an education and a lot of work experience - why don't you just find a job in another company? There are many similar vacancies. I have no education and I do not have a large and very poor choice unfortunately. Even if you cannot find a similar position in your city, you can go to another city

 

[bluebus]

I worked hard for almost all my life, more than 20 years to reach goals I always wanted to reach. Most of them I could achieve to have a life I always wished for but in the end it failed and why am I forced to live a life now that I don't want to live? And it's still so fucking difficult to CTB because there's still too much hope left. I hate it. I fucking hate it!!

I totally understand and relate to this so much. My life has not been easy but I never gave up hope. I worked very hard to make my life the one I wanted. I could have achieved everything and anything. I had so much potential. The last 3 years I have been struggling a lot due to the trauma that I experienced and I just lost myself. My life became unrecognizable and so did I. But I never gave up hope, even though I was disgusted and disappointed with what I let my life/ myself become. This year was going to be the year I turned everything around- I was going to start doing all the things I loved again, I had saved up enough money to move to my dream city and go to school and start my life again. In June I found out that I am going to lose my vision. They day I got that news, I went home and spent the rest of the day reproaching the best methods to ctb. I realized that my life would never be what it was supposed to be and that I would rather be dead than be forced to live this life. I had so much hope, but now I have nothing. The only thing that comforts now me is that I won't exist soon.

Tbh if I think about them, watching photos, thinking about "better times" that makes me more depressed and want me CTB even earlier! Memories aren't a good thing for me. They just remind me of a future that I don't like to be forced to live, unless I could reach and top those experiences. I Iived my life already, there's nothing I want to achieve at any costs any more. I'm out of energy for that.

I feel the same way. I look back at pictures from before my life fell apart/ right when it started to fall apart, and I want to scream at myself to stop before it's too late. I want to tell myself what the future will look like if I don't start getting better soon. I want to tell myself that it's not too late to change things now. Those pictures too remind me of a life that I could have had and should have had.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

If you have an education and a lot of work experience - why don't you just find a job in another company? There are many similar vacancies. I have no education and I do not have a large and very poor choice unfortunately. Even if you cannot find a similar position in your city, you can go to another city

If it was that easy I'd have done it already. I never was in a regular job for all my life, therefore practically no experience as a "wage slave" and now too old. All I could get would be a min wage slave job. Chances to really recover the way I expect it to be are nearly 0 here.

In June I found out that I am going to lose my vision.

@bluebus I'm very sorry to read that, this is so horrible. Life is often so cruel and unfair.

 

[trashprincess]

That damn hope! For me my brain always manages to find some whenever I'm at my lowest. At this point it's hard to see any of it as any more than a lie. Like I just don't want to accept the truth.