ChildrensITV
Arcanist
- Mar 14, 2023
- 455
This turned out to be a jumbled ramble, as usual:
A job wouldn't fix my life. Not even close. Especially if I couldn't keep it. In fact, losing another job would be worse than not getting one at all. All a job would do is trap me in "a life that is unfathomably shit but with the ability for me to sustain it". Whereas if I don't get a job, then it makes the case for CTB 100% unmuddy. 100% justified. There is no reason for my life with a job to continue, let alone without one.
If I got a job and kept it, I would live reluctantly. I dunno what to think. I know I am better off dead than struggling to upkeep a life that is obviously above me. At the same time, I have said to myself that if my life improves this year even in just 1 sphere then I will still set my CTB in motion (suicide note, writing down passwords for others, ordering SN), but I will postpone it. I am a broken man. I have been broken for 2 decades. A job would be a tourniquet on a limb that has lost a lot of blood already. Is limping on worth it or is it time call time of death?
When you get to my age, even if I could make everything start working for me by magic-wand, I am still too late for a lot of things. Is anyone here aware that their advanced age makes recovery almost futile? When you're over a certain age, there is no comeback. There is merely coping.
A job wouldn't fix my life. Not even close. Especially if I couldn't keep it. In fact, losing another job would be worse than not getting one at all. All a job would do is trap me in "a life that is unfathomably shit but with the ability for me to sustain it". Whereas if I don't get a job, then it makes the case for CTB 100% unmuddy. 100% justified. There is no reason for my life with a job to continue, let alone without one.
If I got a job and kept it, I would live reluctantly. I dunno what to think. I know I am better off dead than struggling to upkeep a life that is obviously above me. At the same time, I have said to myself that if my life improves this year even in just 1 sphere then I will still set my CTB in motion (suicide note, writing down passwords for others, ordering SN), but I will postpone it. I am a broken man. I have been broken for 2 decades. A job would be a tourniquet on a limb that has lost a lot of blood already. Is limping on worth it or is it time call time of death?
When you get to my age, even if I could make everything start working for me by magic-wand, I am still too late for a lot of things. Is anyone here aware that their advanced age makes recovery almost futile? When you're over a certain age, there is no comeback. There is merely coping.
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