I guess this is a goodbye thread

[agony1996]

So many... listening to M83 while my friends cut my hair in high school, flying to another country and basking in a tropical waterfall with my best friend, camping with my family. There were surely so many good times I couldn't count them. I think of the song "Sweet Disposition" by the Temper Trap and that's how I feel. I loved my life and I met the most wonderful people but I always ended up alone and went through some fucked up shit. Even bicycling alone at night listening to Lorde's "Pure Heroin" album. I've been blessed over and over with only the best people who I so deeply respect and admire, I just don't measure up.

I'm so sorry life brought you to this points. It seems like you had some wonderful times it's a shame they had to end, I'm in a similar predicament but it hurts me to remember the good times.
I wish you the best and truly hope you'll find peace in a place where you could build more happy memories

 

[swanchild]

please don't go

I'm trying to stay ♥ thank you

 

[swanchild]

Oh my gosh!! GIRL!!! That is wonderful news!! I am SO happy for you! Good grief, I need to get a grip. My husband is gonna wanna know why his wife who never cries has tears streaming down her cheeks. He's watching the Olympics -- maybe he won't notice!

This made me emotional omg

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I'm home. I completely opened up to my ex coworker about how I was in the mental hospital, then an outpatient program, and attempted suicide twice. I told her my entire life story actually. And I'm scared to feel ok about it but I do. She even offered to drive me to appointments.

I don't know if this helps anyone but please reach out to even one person, take a risk, especially if you feel alone. It's kept me alive for one more night, probably long enough until I see my therapist Tuesday.

I want to cry tears of gratitude.

That's good, it takes courage to open up like that with someone. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I'm proud of you!

I don't mean to invalidate your feelings in any way, but it seems like a part of you doesn't really want to die. It sounds like you still have a lot of life to live. And I'm sure that your dog would miss you if you were gone!

 

[CatLvr]

This made me emotional omg

I know I haven't been here long but your story has touched me in ways I haven't felt in a LONG time. It is very peculiar to an empath (me) when they lose the ability to feel. Usually I feel WAY too much but the last few years have been downright bizarre.

Like @qualityOV3Rquantity said, not to discount anything you have felt or are feeling now, I can actually feel how much you want to stay here and be happy. To enjoy the life you have here. I feel like you are just not ready to go -- you just need to catch a break. Honestly, isn't that what we all want?? But the world breaks us.

Life is not easy and I'm not sure it is supposed to be without challenges but DAMN! There is a big difference in being challenged and being beaten down so bad that there is no peace, or joy, or contentment in one's life.

I truly hope that this person honors the commitment they have made to you and it works out that your life is turned around and this time next year we all happily reminiscing about your thread telling everyone how even though you were scared to death you took a chance and it worked out splendidly for you.

My heart is singing for you!

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending you so much love, OP. We're here for you<3

 

[Dot]

I'm home. I completely opened up to my ex coworker about how I was in the mental hospital, then an outpatient program, and attempted suicide twice. I told her my entire life story actually. And I'm scared to feel ok about it but I do. She even offered to drive me to appointments.

I don't know if this helps anyone but please reach out to even one person, take a risk, especially if you feel alone. It's kept me alive for one more night, probably long enough until I see my therapist Tuesday.

I want to cry tears of gratitude.

Honsty cn b sch a bg rsk bt cn also brng th/ bst ppl in2 ur lfe

 

[mistymoo]

I'm home. I completely opened up to my ex coworker about how I was in the mental hospital, then an outpatient program, and attempted suicide twice. I told her my entire life story actually. And I'm scared to feel ok about it but I do. She even offered to drive me to appointments.

I don't know if this helps anyone but please reach out to even one person, take a risk, especially if you feel alone. It's kept me alive for one more night, probably long enough until I see my therapist Tuesday.

I want to cry tears of gratitude.

I'm so so happy to hear that you've been able to make a connection that's made you want to stay!!!

I read that the method I chose has a high risk of failure and that I would have a better chance of success if I got something else I could use, too. Went to sleep and tried to forget about being suicidal.

Woke up from like 4 nightmares of course. All about friends leaving me behind. Reached out to old friends and got the "you're toxic" spiel. Do people want my heart, my liver, my intestines, my organs? This is how I always feel, like I should slice my belly open and toss everything out and let everyone dissect it.

I called them heartless and blocked them. I'm so done with this world
View attachment 146975
Am I evil :(

I'd like to say a few things about this that might help -
Actual therapists and mental health workers would NOT call you evil because you are at one of your lowest points and you're desperatly reaching out for help. The fact that YOU WENT TO SEEK OUT HELP means that you're doing your absolute best to no longer trigger others. Actual toxic people refuse to get help and enjoy the attention they receive when they say they're going to harm themselves. And I don't mean the person suffering is relieved/shocked/happy that people are willing to help. I think that's completely normal human behavior. I mean when you continuously refuse help and know you're hurting/triggering others again and again yet you still cry wolf.

Some folks may put up boundaries to keep their own mental health safe but I've found the people who truly care for you will put those boundaries up for their own safety and pull away but never fully LEAVE. *if you're trying to get better, of course!!* they'll meet you halfway and talk about those boundaries with you. They won't want you completely out of their life.

Imo, learning how to no longer be a people pleaser I genuinely think does not have to be this extreme that a lot of folks say you must go to. I get huge red flags from people who will cut off long term relationships because "they're toxic hehe." Personally I think THEYRE toxic and I tuck tail and run from them.

I sincerely hope you're feeling better today and I am SO fucking proud of you for making it through another day

 

[swanchild]

I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back to all the beautiful replies on here yet, still depressed and dealing with mental illness but just dragging myself to therapy tomorrow. I'm really not ok. But I took a lot of big risks these past weeks, including the overdose and attempted drownings lol. I also told my best friend I had a crush on her tonight randomly. I don't really know what I'm doing. I just pray therapy tomorrow goes OK and doesn't make me feel worse. If it does go OK then maybe there's a silver lining I'm not seeing yet. I'll give tomorrow a shot is all I can say tonight.

 

[swanchild]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed with no way out right now. What's the point of going to therapy if my actual genuine life conditions circumstances and experiences will never offer any reprieve?

I just can't think of any method besides hanging which I really don't want to do but honestly I might have no choice. I have no easy access to drugs or SN, my prescriptions apparently can't kill me, and I've tried to drown myself and I get scared. And I've made a noose and I put my head in it and get scared. I think I would have to be drunk or on something maybe. Which means it probably won't be tonight and I'll have to go through another day of misery.

I know my coworker cried and said she cared but my brain is convincing me that's fake, she could never, she doesn't believe me, I'm stupid, I'm a liar, and no one will ever love me. And she asked me how I could do that to my family and I thought about it and realized while that may have stopped me before I'm at a point where I genuinely fear they may be better off.

The truth is I just want to be loved and cared about but no one does and I grew up with my parents suicide and suicide attempts and it traumatized me and I have no other way to express my feelings. Big emotions were conveyed through death and near death in my family.

I wish there was an easy way to die I'm sorry I don't get it. People have commented at me and said "it's easy if you want it!" and also even the well meaning comments like "you actually want to live"... honestly I think we all actually want to live.

Furthermore I've been saying I've been wanting to die since high school like that's not fucking normal and my psychiatrist is so focused on ONE THING that she physically cannot perceive any other thing going on. Like she doesn't listen and doesn't care quite frankly.

What would it take for people to listen? For people to care and to understand?

 

[emma99]

I have to ask if you have been made aware of the possibility of metabolic psychiatry; treating mental health issues that have brain inflammation and energy deficit as their causes by utilizing nutritional therapies like (temporary) elimination or ketogenic diets?

Forgive me if this irritates anyone or infringes on any rules, I simply can't not mention it.

What I gather is your family has a history of similar ailments, and you have had depression since childhood - both of those things can speak for increased likelihood of brain inflammation.

Drs. Georgia Ede and Chris Palmer have books titled "Change your diet; change your mind" and "Brain Energy" that delve deep into the actual science as to how this works.
There are also a ton of interviews on youtube with both of those Drs, and patients who have reversed all sorts of diseases with their approaches.

May everyone have a chance at happiness, and be free of suffering.

100%.

Mental health can be treated without medication, however its too profitable for the pharmaceutical companies and their drug dealers, i mean psychiatrists to forge, sorry i mean document that their treatment is the only effective treatment.

I mean come on, before modem anti psychotic medicine, they were either giving people shock therapy and locking them away in straight jackets. for life. so no wonder their modern conclusion is off the mark.

they were never on the right path to begin with.

 

[i dont feel real.]

Good luck in anything you desire.

 

[Evelyn Lane]

Is a gun not an option in your country? It amazes me how many people here think of hanging, that choking feeling is fucking scary to me. A gun is so quick and painless

Not everyone here is American.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

Not everyone here is American.

I'm also not american. But you're right, I probably underestimate in how many countries weapons are entirely banned, I haven't really read much about the legal stuff regarding that.

 

[emma99]

Is a gun not an option in your country? It amazes me how many people here think of hanging, that choking feeling is fucking scary to me. A gun is so quick and painless

Okay, First off no one should take this advice. Gun suicides are very very risky and the chance of survival is very very high. and the risks that come with survival can really fuck you up

 

[swanchild]

Is a gun not an option in your country? It amazes me how many people here think of hanging, that choking feeling is fucking scary to me. A gun is so quick and painless

Yeah not rly an option and not something I'd do tbh

Good luck in anything you desire.

Your username makes me sad. That's a bad feeling I hope you feel better

 

[Alatus_Nemeseos]

I haven't been on this site in a while let alone post. Just want to say firstly you have a lovely dog who I can't fathom the comfort she provides and a true source of strength.

Secondly my advise as I've said before on this website, when you are so low you're planning and arranging to ctb. Provided you're able to endure the suffering, the best comfort about ctb is the nature that it'll always be there when you're ready should you feel that's whats best for you. So if today is not your day and neither is tomorrow and beyond then allow me to stress that's totally okay. No one will judge you, we'll champion and cheer you on for each day you're willing to endure and stay, or offer our prayers and wishes if a day comes when you feel it's time to say goodbye. There should never be a pressure either way.

It was heart warming reading you declare you were gonna keep going along with the support you've gotten from the posts in the thread.

Though I'm sorry to hear about your pain it's also a comfort to read that there does seem to be people who are willing to care and support you in whichever way they can which while I'm unsure how much that'll ease the eroding crippling nature of loneliness amongst the other challenges you may face. It is still a comfort. Even if you're drowning and the only presence you hear are above water, it may still be better than to drown completely alone.

Keep going as long as you're able to, cuddle your wonderful dog and by all means feel free to reach out to anyone here who seem willing to lend an ear or on this thread for anyone willing to lend their time to read.

Thank you for taking the time to write up about yourself, your dreams (which im not religious enough to unpack the dream you had, sounds so powerful though), your pains, and strong spirit to keep going.

To anyone reading this post, when you're in pain and struggle and wonder if you can continue another day? The simplist of actions can ripple outwards to affect those around you in the smallest of ways. It gave me a small comfort reading this thread these replies and I hope this post can give a little back.

Sincerely I wish you best :)

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

Okay, First off no one should take this advice. Gun suicides are very very risky and the chance of survival is very very high. and the risks that come with survival can really fuck you up

If its done wrong thats true, but that applies to other suicide methods even more. Many people survive small calibre, if its big enough the chance of death is almost 100 %. Putting it under the chin is the mistake that causes almost all of these failed gun attempts, there is really no way to fail a shotgun suicide with buckshot or slugs if you put it in your mouth as deep as you can and aim slightly upwards. It literally explodes the head.

I've read plenty of failed hanging stories and how painful it is.

 

[swanchild]

I don't mean to ignore people, just wanted to give a little update.

Had therapy and it was fucking exhausting. Came up that I ODed, whatever. I feel like she cares but I'm not feeling optimistic about treatment and I'm relapsing into my eating disorder which is very important to them that I don't. I'm supposed to be hanging out with another coworker tomorrow one on one. We'll see how that goes, I really don't want to actually.

 

[CatLvr]

Okay, First off no one should take this advice. Gun suicides are very very risky and the chance of survival is very very high. and the risks that come with survival can really fuck you up

Yep. SI is a thing and that last minute flinch is a well-documented "problem."

I don't mean to ignore people, just wanted to give a little update.

Had therapy and it was fucking exhausting. Came up that I ODed, whatever. I feel like she cares but I'm not feeling optimistic about treatment and I'm relapsing into my eating disorder which is very important to them that I don't. I'm supposed to be hanging out with another coworker tomorrow one on one. We'll see how that goes, I really don't want to actually.

Bless your heart. I truly understand the exhaustion that comes with interacting with other people irl. And especially "mental health professionals".

Be gentle with yourself. You've had a lot going on the last few days. Maybe you should be honest with your co-worker and tell them you just aren't feeling well, reschedule and then get some rest??

Pet that beautiful dog of yours and let her destress you a bit. She loves you just as you are. (Just like we do! )

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I don't mean to ignore people, just wanted to give a little update.

Had therapy and it was fucking exhausting. Came up that I ODed, whatever. I feel like she cares but I'm not feeling optimistic about treatment and I'm relapsing into my eating disorder which is very important to them that I don't. I'm supposed to be hanging out with another coworker tomorrow one on one. We'll see how that goes, I really don't want to actually.

Thank you for your update and please take care.

I'm so sorry your healthcare provider sees only your eating disorder and don't care about anything else. They might think if you only ate well it would be okay, but we know it wouldn't and we think how you're feeling is important.

(Note: I thought your psychiatrist is focusing on your eating disorder.)

Furthermore I've been saying I've been wanting to die since high school like that's not fucking normal and my psychiatrist is so focused on ONE THING that she physically cannot perceive any other thing going on. Like she doesn't listen and doesn't care quite frankly.