I got in a massive fight on Twitter, Discord, Twitch, and Threads. It's killing me to hold it, but I am having a hard time putting it to death.
She's this person I found on Threads. She said she liked to mute people, and I liked that, so I followed her. She has a Twitch, so I watched her. Then she really wanted me join her Discord, so I did.
She wanted me to post a photo on the Discord about food that I found on Twitter. I did, but all the people there gave me red flags and said I shouldn't be posting things from Japan.
Also when they welcomed me, they kept asking if I was brought pizza. I didn't understand, so I was ready to leave. Then one of them mentioned me. I told them "Oh I don't feel I am liked here. I was about to go." Then they started being nicer to me, and I was happy to be there.
The next day I got excited, and I wanted to be goofy. I posted something that was a little inappropriate, and then I immediately apologized for it. The apology was a joke. It was like how streamers make apology videos. Northernlion has a great bit on celebrity apologies. I copied the bit, and I made it my own. Basically you do something wrong, and you apologize without taking accountability, but you do it in a very goofy way.
Nikkie saw this an opportunity to take advantage of my "confessed guilt", and she wanted me to pay her money. I feel really bad for her because it seems like a tough way to make a living. I was happy to give her some money because she didn't seem to make a lot from her community. After some back and forth, I gift her 10 subs or 60$.
She tries to push it farther and she asked for 10 me or she was going to ban me. At that point, it felt serious and not goofy to me. I didn't go along with it, and I said "I don't care if you ban me. I care about what's fair. You're not being fair." She banned me immediately after I said that.
I'll be honest, it really sent me down a bad spiral when that happened. I started getting thoughts about how evil Austin Texas was, and that it was a bad place. I felt like I lost a lot of entertainment too because I started to feel everyone in Austin was bad. I tried to play it off like I just lost my chance to enjoy watching s clone Pokimane, but I'll be honest. I really liked Nikki a lot more that I let at. I thought she was actually brilliant, and she was really unique in just how smart she was although I definitely do think she copies Pokimane in some ways.
The thoughts started to spiral down so bad that I wanted to leave 雫. 雫さん did nothing wrong at all, but I wanted to leave her. I was such in a bad place. Then my friend John stopped by. I can't talk to John because I blame myself for the fact he went to jail for 7 months, so I always block him when he messages me. I tell him not to talk to me anymore. I've done this for years now.
I had an idea to send John to go deal with other people for a long time. Instead of making things right with me personally. I wanted to feel like he's right with other people, and then I wanted to be able to accept him because he was right with other people. I couldn't accept him personally because I blamed myself for the fact he ended up in jail, but I could never ask him to forgive about that guilt. He deserved to go to jail for being financially irresponsible.
I talked with John for 3 hours, and I convinced him to go to this community. This community has my current Twitter. John did not. John messaged me on the phone instead. I convinced him to delete my number and try and find the way to reach me through them. In this, he would be accepted by other people in my eyes, and then I could accept him because of that. This was the plan, and the next day John found me on Twitter.
Apparently he had a bad time dealing with Nikki. He said they were racist to him, and he told me privately he felt disrespected by them.
I realized I made a mistake with John. I should have sent him another place instead. I should have told him to go through 雫 to find me. She is the better option, so I told John not to focus on Nikki and to focus on 雫 instead. I just don't want John focusing on me. I can't handle it.
That's when Nikki replied to my Twitter comment about this with the response in the photo. I didn't mind her reply, but when the guy said "Talk about Nikkie one more time and I'll bash your skull in." I lost my mind. I went in full on war mode, and I ended up getting blocked on Twitter and Twitch. I just couldn't take the threat. It infuriated me.
It's just hard to let it die because Nikkie is so wrong about me. I know she's wrong. The fact she says John was a "hit man" proves she has no clue what I was doing. She just doesn't understand it at all. She is on such a power trip though. I blocked her on Twitch, but I would watch a couple moments of her stream when we were fighting yesterday. She was banning and unbanning people. Her mods were do random bans. It was the whole topic of the stream was just basically being unfair to people and getting away with it.
She gets away with it because they call her "queen", so she can do whatever she likes without needing to be reasonable. It's so infuriating to me, and I just have a hard time letting it die. I don't want her to think she can just live her life in an unreasonable way. I don't want her to think she can do whatever she wants by taking advantage of people's affection for her. It infuriates me, and so I am struggling to let this die.
I'm just writing as much as I can to force myself past this. I don't want to accept it. I don't. I just want to move on somehow and forget about it. Talk my way into some place else and not think about this anymore. It's just so painful for me. It hurts me so much dealing with this. It makes me feel so unstable. If you only felt she understood and she responded from a place of understanding, I wouldn't care. I could accept whatever her response was then. It's that she clearly doesn't understand that hurts me so much.
She's this person I found on Threads. She said she liked to mute people, and I liked that, so I followed her. She has a Twitch, so I watched her. Then she really wanted me join her Discord, so I did.
She wanted me to post a photo on the Discord about food that I found on Twitter. I did, but all the people there gave me red flags and said I shouldn't be posting things from Japan.
Also when they welcomed me, they kept asking if I was brought pizza. I didn't understand, so I was ready to leave. Then one of them mentioned me. I told them "Oh I don't feel I am liked here. I was about to go." Then they started being nicer to me, and I was happy to be there.
The next day I got excited, and I wanted to be goofy. I posted something that was a little inappropriate, and then I immediately apologized for it. The apology was a joke. It was like how streamers make apology videos. Northernlion has a great bit on celebrity apologies. I copied the bit, and I made it my own. Basically you do something wrong, and you apologize without taking accountability, but you do it in a very goofy way.
Nikkie saw this an opportunity to take advantage of my "confessed guilt", and she wanted me to pay her money. I feel really bad for her because it seems like a tough way to make a living. I was happy to give her some money because she didn't seem to make a lot from her community. After some back and forth, I gift her 10 subs or 60$.
She tries to push it farther and she asked for 10 me or she was going to ban me. At that point, it felt serious and not goofy to me. I didn't go along with it, and I said "I don't care if you ban me. I care about what's fair. You're not being fair." She banned me immediately after I said that.
I'll be honest, it really sent me down a bad spiral when that happened. I started getting thoughts about how evil Austin Texas was, and that it was a bad place. I felt like I lost a lot of entertainment too because I started to feel everyone in Austin was bad. I tried to play it off like I just lost my chance to enjoy watching s clone Pokimane, but I'll be honest. I really liked Nikki a lot more that I let at. I thought she was actually brilliant, and she was really unique in just how smart she was although I definitely do think she copies Pokimane in some ways.
The thoughts started to spiral down so bad that I wanted to leave 雫. 雫さん did nothing wrong at all, but I wanted to leave her. I was such in a bad place. Then my friend John stopped by. I can't talk to John because I blame myself for the fact he went to jail for 7 months, so I always block him when he messages me. I tell him not to talk to me anymore. I've done this for years now.
I had an idea to send John to go deal with other people for a long time. Instead of making things right with me personally. I wanted to feel like he's right with other people, and then I wanted to be able to accept him because he was right with other people. I couldn't accept him personally because I blamed myself for the fact he ended up in jail, but I could never ask him to forgive about that guilt. He deserved to go to jail for being financially irresponsible.
I talked with John for 3 hours, and I convinced him to go to this community. This community has my current Twitter. John did not. John messaged me on the phone instead. I convinced him to delete my number and try and find the way to reach me through them. In this, he would be accepted by other people in my eyes, and then I could accept him because of that. This was the plan, and the next day John found me on Twitter.
Apparently he had a bad time dealing with Nikki. He said they were racist to him, and he told me privately he felt disrespected by them.
I realized I made a mistake with John. I should have sent him another place instead. I should have told him to go through 雫 to find me. She is the better option, so I told John not to focus on Nikki and to focus on 雫 instead. I just don't want John focusing on me. I can't handle it.
That's when Nikki replied to my Twitter comment about this with the response in the photo. I didn't mind her reply, but when the guy said "Talk about Nikkie one more time and I'll bash your skull in." I lost my mind. I went in full on war mode, and I ended up getting blocked on Twitter and Twitch. I just couldn't take the threat. It infuriated me.
It's just hard to let it die because Nikkie is so wrong about me. I know she's wrong. The fact she says John was a "hit man" proves she has no clue what I was doing. She just doesn't understand it at all. She is on such a power trip though. I blocked her on Twitch, but I would watch a couple moments of her stream when we were fighting yesterday. She was banning and unbanning people. Her mods were do random bans. It was the whole topic of the stream was just basically being unfair to people and getting away with it.
She gets away with it because they call her "queen", so she can do whatever she likes without needing to be reasonable. It's so infuriating to me, and I just have a hard time letting it die. I don't want her to think she can just live her life in an unreasonable way. I don't want her to think she can do whatever she wants by taking advantage of people's affection for her. It infuriates me, and so I am struggling to let this die.
I'm just writing as much as I can to force myself past this. I don't want to accept it. I don't. I just want to move on somehow and forget about it. Talk my way into some place else and not think about this anymore. It's just so painful for me. It hurts me so much dealing with this. It makes me feel so unstable. If you only felt she understood and she responded from a place of understanding, I wouldn't care. I could accept whatever her response was then. It's that she clearly doesn't understand that hurts me so much.
