Okay I am struggling. What is going on in my mind is insane. I reached out for professional help not sure whether they can help. It is a weird story. I have psychosis, impostor syndrome, OCD and bipolar.
The collge schedule has changed. I have to wake up one day early for college and this is seemingly to much for my fragile mind. It is shocking. Some years ago I met a professor in clinic. He hated me and called me out as a bullshitter more or less. I thought excessively about that incident. It started 2,5 weeks ago. One of my college friends is extremely intelligent which triggered my impostor syndrome. I always was scared he could see through my charade. This thought might be neurotic and psychotic at the same time which is completely nuts. It is neurotic because it is part of the impostor syndrome. At the same time the obsessive ruminating about it might be psychotic. I will soon talk about it with professionals. So I thought about the incident with this professor myriads of hours. I cried or laughed out loud because of it. Which is not a good sign for my sanity.
But the story becomes even way worse. So I was always anxious that this extremely intelligent friend of mine could see through my behavior of being a fraud pretending to be very smart. I was so anxious that I directly told him I am not that smart and that I only get good grades because I work very hard. Our friendship consisted of intellectual debates etc. But I think recently he changed his mind on me. Considered me pathetic for worrking so hard. He barely does shit and gets very good grades. I told him I have impostor syndrome. The last two times we met he was very distant to me. He also was judgemental on mental health issues in the past. However I would now need a good friend at college. I have the feeling he now considers me a bullshitter too. But I am not sure whether that is paranoid.
I am very puzzled. Am I an imposter? Why do I pretend I was very smart and educated? Is this the truth? Is this maybe up to the other person? I have the feeling he does not want to spend time with me anymore. But this could also be paranoia. I can say I ruminate about shit almost 10 hours a day which sounds pretty pathological. Not even my emergency medication helps.
The whole joke is the following: I have to wake up one day per week at 6:50 am. And this seems to wreck my sanity. Yeah you see I am quite ill. I even take a fucking benzo and z-medication to numb me that day. I always knew I never could work. But I tried to act like I could so that my family does not panic. The whole thing is pretty insane. Within 2 weeks my total mental health was utterly destroyed.
I don't know what to do? I cannot take everyday a benzo. This shit escalates and gets out of control. I think it is not too late to intervene. I think the sole solution is skipping that college lecture. But the subject is extremely difficult and the lecure is very good.
However this simple answer is not sufficient. My sleep rhythm is fucked and that is the way bigger problem. I mean I can skip that lecture I would hate myself for it but fuck it. Though I think it is extremely difficult to fix my sleep rhythm. I recently wake up 6:30 or 7 am. And this is the nail in the coffin of my sanity which is quite sad. I could try to fix it with addictive medication but I might end up as an addict. So fuck my life. If I get a psychosis I kill myself. My mom gets a stroke and might end up with irreversible damage. It is only a matter of time this happens. I hope I can postpone it at least a little bit. I am desperate.
The collge schedule has changed. I have to wake up one day early for college and this is seemingly to much for my fragile mind. It is shocking. Some years ago I met a professor in clinic. He hated me and called me out as a bullshitter more or less. I thought excessively about that incident. It started 2,5 weeks ago. One of my college friends is extremely intelligent which triggered my impostor syndrome. I always was scared he could see through my charade. This thought might be neurotic and psychotic at the same time which is completely nuts. It is neurotic because it is part of the impostor syndrome. At the same time the obsessive ruminating about it might be psychotic. I will soon talk about it with professionals. So I thought about the incident with this professor myriads of hours. I cried or laughed out loud because of it. Which is not a good sign for my sanity.
But the story becomes even way worse. So I was always anxious that this extremely intelligent friend of mine could see through my behavior of being a fraud pretending to be very smart. I was so anxious that I directly told him I am not that smart and that I only get good grades because I work very hard. Our friendship consisted of intellectual debates etc. But I think recently he changed his mind on me. Considered me pathetic for worrking so hard. He barely does shit and gets very good grades. I told him I have impostor syndrome. The last two times we met he was very distant to me. He also was judgemental on mental health issues in the past. However I would now need a good friend at college. I have the feeling he now considers me a bullshitter too. But I am not sure whether that is paranoid.
I am very puzzled. Am I an imposter? Why do I pretend I was very smart and educated? Is this the truth? Is this maybe up to the other person? I have the feeling he does not want to spend time with me anymore. But this could also be paranoia. I can say I ruminate about shit almost 10 hours a day which sounds pretty pathological. Not even my emergency medication helps.
The whole joke is the following: I have to wake up one day per week at 6:50 am. And this seems to wreck my sanity. Yeah you see I am quite ill. I even take a fucking benzo and z-medication to numb me that day. I always knew I never could work. But I tried to act like I could so that my family does not panic. The whole thing is pretty insane. Within 2 weeks my total mental health was utterly destroyed.
I don't know what to do? I cannot take everyday a benzo. This shit escalates and gets out of control. I think it is not too late to intervene. I think the sole solution is skipping that college lecture. But the subject is extremely difficult and the lecure is very good.
However this simple answer is not sufficient. My sleep rhythm is fucked and that is the way bigger problem. I mean I can skip that lecture I would hate myself for it but fuck it. Though I think it is extremely difficult to fix my sleep rhythm. I recently wake up 6:30 or 7 am. And this is the nail in the coffin of my sanity which is quite sad. I could try to fix it with addictive medication but I might end up as an addict. So fuck my life. If I get a psychosis I kill myself. My mom gets a stroke and might end up with irreversible damage. It is only a matter of time this happens. I hope I can postpone it at least a little bit. I am desperate.
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