I found the death notice of an SS member accidentally

[ashfall]

I feel really weird about it tbh. I'm not going to share the person's name, either online or irl, out of respect for them and their family's privacy. I said it was accidental but that's actually a complete lie - I actively looked for it but somehow still didn't expect to find it and was shocked when I did.

Basically, I found out one of my great aunts passed away a couple of days ago so I was keeping an eye out for her death notice. While I was looking for her on the website my mind went back to an SS member who posted a goodbye thread not long ago and hadn't posted since. They claimed to live in the same country I do and I realised if their attempt was successful it would be relatively easy to find their death notice. After looking at a couple of notices I realised that even though I had literally no personal details except gender, marital status, under the age of 30 and date of death with no cause listed, it would still be easy to identify them given how small our country is.

In hindsight, I realise how creepy and stalkerish this all sounds. I know I'd hate if someone else did this to me and I'm really sorry about it. I've completely violated their privacy so feel free to give out to me about it. The person was someone I really looked up to on SS, they were a much-loved member of the community and I remembered a few people in their goodbye thread mentioned keeping an eye on their social media and local newspapers. I kind of rationalised it by saying that I was basically doing the same thing. Anyway, I found it. It's a hundred per cent definitely them - they shared many other details about their life and beliefs on here that were mentioned in the death notice.

I now feel very very weird about it. Firstly I feel bad for being a total stalker. I never intend to share anything I found or do this again. I've spent the last half an hour crying though because even though it's really selfish and everyone who posts goodbye threads on here wants to go and achieve peace it suddenly feels a lot more real. I don't know really know how to articulate what I'm feeling right now - on one hand I'm really happy for them. Yet there's this selfish part of me that was hoping I wouldn't find it and they'd be still alive because they were such a lovely person and I really admired them. I guess I just hate this stupid world that forces so many of us to leave it so soon. Everyone here is so lovely and I don't want you to die. I mean I'm also planning to kill myself but I don't want other people to. While also simultaneously understanding that living is torture and supporting everyone's choice and believing in assisted suicide. I realise I'm making very little sense right now. If it wasn't already clear I'm a little bit of a mess.

While at first, I had a rather irrational urge to attend the person's funeral I realise now that would be totally inappropriate and next level stalkerish. I did decide to donate to one of the charities their parents listed on the notice though. It was a cause I know they believed it because they talked about it on here too. However, they've also listed the graveyard on the notice so part of me want to visit in the next week or two and leave some flowers. I realise that may also be a bad thing for me to do though. Any opinions? How would you feel if someone did this for you? I know I definitely wouldn't be okay with the funeral thing but I'd like someone leaving flowers. Once again my feelings are contradictory on the subject because I both want to and am scared of being forgotten.

Anyway, this was part confession and part emotion dump so sorry about everything again.

 

[onleana]

this is very interesting. im glad you made this post. and yeah i think leaving flowers would be nice

 

[rationaltake]

You seem like a good person. I agree with @onleana that leaving flowers would be nice. You are treating the person with respect.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You're a very thoughtful person, never forget that. I know who you are talking about, because I came across the notice as well. I knew instantly when I saw the photo on the obituary, and it gutted me, because a part of me, selfish as it is, wishes it weren't true.

Even if I hadn't gotten to speak to her as much as I wanted to, I strongly admired the fortitude and character that exuded from her words when I had the pleasure of conversing with her and seeing the snippets of her life she'd captured in photographs. It really shone when she was talking about the causes where her passions lie. You could tell her activism, family, and pets meant the world to her.

Placing flowers by a grave is a touching sentiment that shows reverence and respect for one's memory. I don't think that is an inappropriate or misplaced gesture at all.

 

[davidgeorge]

Just making the effort to pay your respects is a nice thing to do

 

[allesistgut]

i also agree with the others that placing flowers is a very kind and thoughtful gesture.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

There would be nothing wrong whatsoever with leaving flowers. That would be a beautiful gesture. Be more kind to yourself.

 

[Somber]

I understand how you feel about not wanting people to die even though they want to. I sometimes wonder if roles were reversed whether I would have made the same choice.

As for the flowers, it's a nice gesture. If I knew about anyone from SS buried or scattered nearby I would do the same.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I know who you are referring to here because I have encountered her death notice as well and I felt my heart sink immediately. She was a beautiful, brave person, with a lot of passion for the causes she believed in. She was a strong advocate, talented photographer and avid animal lover. And I will miss her, along with many others who spoke with her or read her posts.

I completely understand why this would hit very hard. It makes a person's passing more concrete, especially when we see their photo, funeral arrangements, names of their relatives and messages written by those who knew (and loved) them. It confirms that they have truly left, and it's a painful realisation.

I do not feel that what you did was in any way creepy and it doesn't make you a stalker - it is clear you have a lot of respect for her privacy. It is understandable to search for members we admire and respect, and to perhaps seek a sense of finality from knowing what has happened to them. This is someone you thought highly of and respected, and that shines through, both in your actions and your words.

It is also okay to experience conflicting emotions about this. I support people's autonomy and right to die, but that does not mean I want them to. In an ideal world, I would want everyone to have the ability to lead a better life. I hate to see people suffer, but it always hurts to see people leave. It is possible to respect people's choices and be relieved for others when they are no longer in pain, but also grieve for that loss and wish that they were still here. That's okay, and is perfectly understandable.

The time you put into this post and into contemplating the best steps to take demonstrates how caring and considerate you are. Visiting someone's grave and bringing flowers in memory of them is a moving, kind gesture and is a thoughtful thing to do. In addition to being a way of paying your respects, I hope that this may bring you some closure too.

 

[Of The Universe]

Very interesting post,thank you. I wonder,this is just imagining, ok,so don't get upset,but if you had gone to the funeral and told the parents that you knew her and how she was loved here and that she was a great young woman,might that comfort them a bit,or do you think they might get angry and enraged and blame the site?

Just speculating. Too bad we can't offer the family A bit of help. There's A lot of bereaved folks out there. All my loved ones are dead,so when I go,nobody is really going to care. And no,I won't make the effort to reachout,its 2 late,baby.

 

[elfin]

placing flowers is a lovely gesture and i'm sure she would appreciate it.

 

[olkf]

I am a tad lost, I did not know deaths were public. Im happy whoever found peace

 

[hans0solo]

I agree with many of the positive sentiments from others. the online world allows a certain dissociated way of knowing people. we build a picture of someone from their words, maybe pictures. A bit of gray matter of ours gets sparked by reading about someone. It blooms into a picture, maybe of a face, of their life. But we are never going to see them IRL. Its just digital bits. But we still invoke feelings about them. Love, admiration perhaps, sadness. And we live with the possibility that at any time, they could go. Wanting to die is not the same as making a final decision. As we get to know people, we may start to hope that their decision to go doesn't happen. And in this case, we notice their posts stop. We check some online sites. And BAM we are arrested by an obit. And what we hoped wouldn't happen has. In our internet age, grief is still there for people we may only know by nickname and some postings. Grief doesn't stop because 'it was only text on a screen'. Grief is 'love with nowhere to send it'. It would reasonable to show respect at ones grave site by perhaps flower, a note, a prayer and as you said by donating to a charity. We may not get to know people IRL but we are allow to claim ourselves as part of their digital family of choice. It was also interesting to know how your efforts to find an obit were not alone. many people did the same. you were all concerned.

 

[JinZhin]

This is a very interesting post. I relate to not wanting other people to die, this world is truly a terrible place and it's very disheartening to see so many lovely souls go. What you did is not wrong, you were very thoughtful about it.

Leaving flowers would indeed be nice.

 

[Chinaski]

I feel really weird about it tbh. I'm not going to share the person's name, either online or irl, out of respect for them and their family's privacy. I said it was accidental but that's actually a complete lie - I actively looked for it but somehow still didn't expect to find it and was shocked when I did.

Basically, I found out one of my great aunts passed away a couple of days ago so I was keeping an eye out for her death notice. While I was looking for her on the website my mind went back to an SS member who posted a goodbye thread not long ago and hadn't posted since. They claimed to live in the same country I do and I realised if their attempt was successful it would be relatively easy to find their death notice. After looking at a couple of notices I realised that even though I had literally no personal details except gender, marital status, under the age of 30 and date of death with no cause listed, it would still be easy to identify them given how small our country is.

In hindsight, I realise how creepy and stalkerish this all sounds. I know I'd hate if someone else did this to me and I'm really sorry about it. I've completely violated their privacy so feel free to give out to me about it. The person was someone I really looked up to on SS, they were a much-loved member of the community and I remembered a few people in their goodbye thread mentioned keeping an eye on their social media and local newspapers. I kind of rationalised it by saying that I was basically doing the same thing. Anyway, I found it. It's a hundred per cent definitely them - they shared many other details about their life and beliefs on here that were mentioned in the death notice.

I now feel very very weird about it. Firstly I feel bad for being a total stalker. I never intend to share anything I found or do this again. I've spent the last half an hour crying though because even though it's really selfish and everyone who posts goodbye threads on here wants to go and achieve peace it suddenly feels a lot more real. I don't know really know how to articulate what I'm feeling right now - on one hand I'm really happy for them. Yet there's this selfish part of me that was hoping I wouldn't find it and they'd be still alive because they were such a lovely person and I really admired them. I guess I just hate this stupid world that forces so many of us to leave it so soon. Everyone here is so lovely and I don't want you to die. I mean I'm also planning to kill myself but I don't want other people to. While also simultaneously understanding that living is torture and supporting everyone's choice and believing in assisted suicide. I realise I'm making very little sense right now. If it wasn't already clear I'm a little bit of a mess.

While at first, I had a rather irrational urge to attend the person's funeral I realise now that would be totally inappropriate and next level stalkerish. I did decide to donate to one of the charities their parents listed on the notice though. It was a cause I know they believed it because they talked about it on here too. However, they've also listed the graveyard on the notice so part of me want to visit in the next week or two and leave some flowers. I realise that may also be a bad thing for me to do though. Any opinions? How would you feel if someone did this for you? I know I definitely wouldn't be okay with the funeral thing but I'd like someone leaving flowers. Once again my feelings are contradictory on the subject because I both want to and am scared of being forgotten.

Anyway, this was part confession and part emotion dump so sorry about everything again.

Reading this post has saddened me because l think l know who you're referring to and whilst we rarely interacted, when we did it was clear they were a good, genuine person with an active sense of humour despite whatever was going on in their life. I can fully understand why someone with a greater attachment to them like you had would feel how you did and did what you did. It's normal, natural, not stalkerish at all and there's a tone of embarrassment about doing it in your post which need not be there, what you did does not come from a place of death-cult voyeurism - also, being "pro choice" does not mean you won't go through a grieving process when someone you liked saw no alternative but to end their own life. Supporting their right to make that decision does not mean having to pretend to be happy about the fact that unambiguously good people felt that ceasing to exist was their only option. I barely knew this person and it's affected me, you've certainly got nothing to feel awkward about.

 

[Pluto]

I think I have figured out who you are talking about. She was a lovely soul who deserved so much better. I share your mixed feelings of knowing she's at peace, yet the whole situation is sad beyond measure.

 

[gottago222]

you had no ill intent, you were just following their posts because you cared about them. nothing wrong with that.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

What was his(her) nickname? I don't want to be wierd I'm just curious to see if I'm interacted with that member. Anyway, RIP.

 

[Dot]

What was his(her) nickname? I don't want to be wierd I'm just curious to see if I'm interacted with that member. Anyway, RIP.

xLstHpex

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