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May 5, 2018
so my depression has been getting pretty bed but it was really bad yesterday and my lovely came in and cuddled me,i broke down and told him about me wanting to CTB and he was very hesitant but i explained the best i could about why i want to,and how it feels like im barely keeping myself from drowning in the depression/suicidal thoughts ect.we talked and cried and even made some morbid jokes about what i would write in my will.He kept saying i just dont want you to die in pain and that i would please stick around for him to marry me.I told him the way i want to go out is through carbon monoxide (like jerry hunt, i told him about how it was painless and id just fall asleep,and that ill tell him before hand that when i do it ill put up a sign saying do not enter call 911 danger carbon monoxide because ill be damned if i hurt him even by accident and how dangerous it was if he even inhaled it a bit. so im thinking since he was supportive(as much as he could be) i will try my best to stick around for atleast a year or two if everything goes ok.