I finally got my wish

[Tintypographer]

I received a diagnosis today that is a blessing to me. I have prayed for years to be gone. I'm over 50 and quite healthy. The stigma with suicide has been a huge part of my reasons for not taking my own life but the depression and pain is something I live with all day every day. I have been diagnosed with stage 2 head and neck cancer, squamous cell and it has not progressed to my lymphatic system. It is in my sinus cavity on the right side of my face. This came about because of a cold and sinus problems and headaches I have had for more than a year.

I see this as a sign that I am finally at a place where my life can end. I have decided that I will not tell my family and not accept treatment. I intend to let this play out. Absolutely not Dr visits, let us progress to the end and pass away.

I have plenty of retirement money for my spouse and children, houses and homes are paid for, no credit card or other debt and lots of life insurance. I won't exist and won't have to deal with all day hatred of myself and my life or any therapy of "why do you think that is?" or "do you think that is the healthiest way to view that" or "how can you reframe that in a more positive way". I know I've been a bit sick and after the head ct and then the contrast agent mri and then a biopsy it is confirmed.

I'm not going to tell my therapists. In fact I might start pretending that the reframing and pollyanna let's make our thoughts happier crap is helping. "Yes, if I had only just looked at it that way I would have not been depressed at all for all these years!"

One would think this would be devastating news but it's the most positive thing that has happened to me for 10 years. I finally have a way to die that people can't condemn. I almost feel like I've beaten them somehow. Like I have been validated; no matter what we all die and nothing can stop it and we literally don't matter as humans. I only wish I could accelerate the process. My biggest regrets in life are that it has taken this long.

Right now, I'm on a call with 31 people trying to discuss whether the issue with the secondary process for the deleted records table associated with the controlled documents is updated in real time and how that will affect the script for the deletions.

I think, my life has come down to something so incredibly stupid and worthless that no one even wants to be in this meeting. It improves nothing in life for anyone, the outcome won't matter except for a few people to say they met some timeline for some process. No one will ever care that I attended this meeting and this is all that I do day in and day out. I work 350 days per year just doing this. Humanity is just people using each other, twisting each other and creating worthless time and details.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel so relieved at knowing that you have a way out of this life. Those who die certainly are lucky and at least those who die from an illness don't have to find a way to leave themselves. I do view life as being incredibly useless with far too much unnecessary suffering which is why to die is ideal. Continuing to exist is only delaying the inevitable anyway.

 

[Pluto]

I would do the same, except I'd make damn sure there's a method handy and use it to rationalise "euthanasia" at some point. Cancer is not something to die of naturally.

 

[hamvil]

Hope the process is not painful. take care.

 

[whatevs]

Hope the process is not painful. take care.

The process is very painful, the OP should practice euthanasia to be sure.

 

[conflagration]

Lucky you, sometimes I also wish for cancer.

 

[Tintypographer]

I am.not at all worried about the pain of the disease. I live in emotional trauma I can barely handle all day every day my only respite is sleep. There has not been a day in four years where I didn't wake up hating who I am and looking at a list of things people wanted me to do in an email inbox from the overnight.

The world sees my value only in terms of getting me to do things. The fear of my death is that they might need to things for themselves.

I once quit a company. I quit strategically one month before a quality assurance investigation by the FDA. I didn't want to do the work. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to go forward with the audit and I didn't want to do all the paperwork to meet the audit. I quit and decided to not work for a few months. I have two weeks notice. The company sued me under an employment clause that says a key employee can not simply choose not to work if it causes material damage to the business.

I didn't take another job, I didn't take clients or want to take their business. I had no desire to do that work anymore and they sued me to make me do a job I didn't want to do.

Every day I am convinced that the purpose of any individual is to be connived and convinced that they should do tasks that other people don't want to do and bring value to others. Having huge numbers of people content, with needs met and not under control means that you could lose the ability to be radically successful.

I'm tired of life. I'm tired of solving, I'm tired of leading and I'm tired of being sold to. I just want to die. This diagnosis is freedom.

 

[Raven2]

I have thought about being in your position and wishfully thinking that I would be diagnosed with terminal illness or at least a disease that could turn out terminal if left untreated.

 

[SamTam33]

Did they give you an idea of how long you'd survive without treatment, and does the timeline matter to you?

I imagine you might have moments of sadness, maybe at the loss of control. Maybe not.

But I can also imagine the many moments of freedom and the feeling that the weight on your chest is being lifted.

I daydream about getting this diagnosis as well and knowing it's the only time I'd have any interest in actually living. I need to know that I'm leaving before I can enjoy myself. Like that song by Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying.

I'd come from the doctors office with so much gusto and energy.

Anyway, do you have any plans to "live it up" before things get too bad?

If it affects your sinuses, I'm guessing your tastes buds will be affected too? Any foods you have to absolutely eat one last time?

 

[nopointinlife]

Do you smoke and/or drink? What was the cause?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I understand your position on this, but I'm still very sorry that you have received this horrendous diagnosis. As far as not having anything to do with doctors, I'm not so sure I'd do that. This diseases is sure to progress, and if you intend to "ride it out" to the end, there is, much more likely than not, going to be a great deal of pain involved, and you will be needing access to something to help with that. Just my 2 cents. Wishing you the best throughout your ordeal.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

I hope it's as pain free as possible for your sake.

I was undergoing tests at the start of the year for suspected stomach cancer, but I got the all clear. A very large part of me wishes I hadn't.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Are you SURE you're not worried about the pain? Pain can be excruciating, you are aware? Are you one of those people with superhuman pain tolerance? Or are you banking on the morphine?

 

[SamTam33]

Are you SURE you're not worried about the pain? Pain can be excruciating, you are aware? Are you one of those people with superhuman pain tolerance? Or are you banking on the morphine?

But if they've already got cancer, what are the options? Pain associated with dying or pain associated with chemo treatments/surgeries to live.

I guess they could ctb before it gets unbearable but they've already expressed their wishes to die in a way that can't be condemned.

In any event, I hope they continue to update us. Document their journey if they feel up to it. Let us know about any changes of heart if they occur. Things like that.

 

[Superdeterminist]

But if he's already got cancer, what are the options? Pain associated with dying or pain associated with chemo treatments/surgeries to live.

I guess he could ctb before it gets unbearable but he's already expressed his wishes to die in a way that can't be condemned.

In any event, I hope he continues to update us. Document his journey if he feels up to it. Let us know about any changes of heart if they occur. Things like that.

Well, it might be a lot less painful if treated, I don't know. I'm not here to advise him over what he should do, I'm just curious about his lack of concern about the pain. Pain has always been the most terrifying thing for me. Which is, I think, why I haven't jumped off a building or something, already.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I received a diagnosis today that is a blessing to me. I have prayed for years to be gone. I'm over 50 and quite healthy. The stigma with suicide has been a huge part of my reasons for not taking my own life but the depression and pain is something I live with all day every day. I have been diagnosed with stage 2 head and neck cancer, squamous cell and it has not progressed to my lymphatic system. It is in my sinus cavity on the right side of my face. This came about because of a cold and sinus problems and headaches I have had for more than a year.

I know you want a way to CTB that can't be condemned by other people, but cancer is an extremely painful way to die. I've watched both my mother and father die of breast cancer and esophageal cancer respectively, the latter I can remember better and it looked absolutely dreadful.

If you don't mind spending the money, I'd highly recommend using your diagnosis as an opportunity to hopefully get accepted at an euthanasia clinic. I know various Switzerland euthanasia organizations will accept foreigners with a terminal illness (a couple have also been known to accept non-terminal people over the age of 50). Most unfortunately do require you bring a relative or someone who knows you to confirm your identity at the time of death, but you can pay extra to get Exit International to sort that out for you.

Admittedly I'm not 100% sure if stage 2 cancer would count as terminal, you'd need to ask someone more familiar/experienced with euthanasia clinics and/or terminal illnesses.

 

[Cathy Ames]

If you don't mind spending the money, I'd highly recommend using your diagnosis as an opportunity to hopefully get accepted at an euthanasia clinic. I know various Switzerland euthanasia organizations will accept foreigners with a terminal illness (a couple have also been known to accept non-terminal people over the age of 50).

I'm not sure (will have to research more) but I think Oregon might have gotten rid of or decided not to enforce(?) the residency requirement. That might be a less expensive option once the other criteria are met. I think things will be pretty horrible at that point, but....

 

[chocolatebar]

Sorry it had to be this painful. i remember an old lady who decided to do the same, but told her family. People reluctantly accepted it, but just because she was over 90. It makes me wonder how many people do the same. Perhaps suicide statistics for non-young people (which are usually already higher then in young people) are actually higher than recorded.

But why am I thinking about statistics? Sorry.

I hope things go well for you.

 

[Tintypographer]

Nope. I love and love statistics. I'm 51, I don't care about pain. I'm too scared to kill myself. Every person has died or will die. It doesn't matter. Nothing about life matters. We repeat failures, we make mistakes and we hope for better but it doesn't come unless you somehow rationalize that everything is happy and joyful. I'm so ready to fade away. A few years of pain is nothing compared to decades of wishing I was dead all day, being institutionalized, wishing I didn't have to wake up and hating everything about who I am. I'm a nice guy but it doesn't matter, I'm a decent father but it doesn't matter, I'm a good worker but it doesn't matter. The best constant has been my hating myself and wishing I wasn't around. Im privileged and I still can't shake the hatred I have for myself and the desire I have to just die. This way there will be life insurance, my kids can go on and they will at least have a chance at a normal life. Their sister took her own life with the same severe depression I have. There isn't any way to escape it.

 

[rockyraccoon]

I'm happy for you that you have a clear sentence and your life will be over soon. I too would like a terminal illness so that it would be out of my hands.

 

[No longer suicidal😁]

I too wished for cancer as it's one of those illnesses where one can refuse the treatment and just die without condemnation from others. However, If you can get access to euthanasia then that will be ideal. I hope that you have exhausted the typical suggestions people make though; like going to therapy, antidepressants, switching careers, etc. However, I won't force that upon you as I am sure you're more aware of your situation than anyone. I wish you the best.

 

[almaranthine]

I wish you the best in going through this process of the cancer and symptoms progressing, as well as explaining the situation to your loved ones. I'm sorry you have already suffered this mental torture for so long. I hope you are able to find peace in a timely manner and that the process does not drag on for you. I am also so sorry that you lost someone in your family (your daughter if I read that correctly?) to suicide as well. She is at peace now, of course, but I know that must have been very devastating to you and your loved ones. Take care

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can't emphasize enough how painful a cancer death is. I watched my sister die of liver cancer and I know how much pain she was in right up until Hospice finally gave her something near the end that completely made her unconscious. She took loads of pain medications throughout the 1.5 year ordeal and got little relief from them. I, also, watched my dad die of lung cancer and it was just as bad. Cancer is bad. This is not meant to scare you, only to inform. It shouldn't be taken so cavalierly. But you do whatever you feel is best for you and best of luck to you.