Venting I fell into depression again. I just don't see a way out, if there is, I can't see it.

[letmegetwhatiwant]

I never had the balls to enter this forum because I thought I was too weak and worthless even to be here. It was like a hug being accepted.

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. It has been more than 10 years since I've been on treatment, in and out psych wards, three years putting hope on treatment and taking meds, being frequent on psychological assistance, all kinds of stuff that made me feel great for some time but now I'm back on the same thoughts I've had all my life. I know I'm VERY privileged tho, I have an amazing boyfriend and I love him so much. I have a small but lovely family, I have been watching my pets grow older and I'm in a nice spot in academic life.

But nothing can be perfect, so I live constantly in stress because I need to be 8 - 12+ hours at my university sometimes, traveling 2 hours to get there. I never thought I'd live past 20, so I chose a "whatever" career, that only guarantee a fucked up underpaid job.

My relationship is long distance. I often choose to not buy food to save money and still I don't have enough money to see him, not even once a year. My man is now struggling too, working his ass off, putting himself under stress because of me. That man is all I have since the group of friends I had left me because they all decided together I was too mentally ill to be a friend.

I can't see my future, I can't imagine it, I don't see myself alive in a couple of years even if I try too hard to see it in therapy. I just know everyone's lives would be better without me, not to cry and say I'm a burden, but because it's true. But also, I would be free from a shit ton of meds everyday, feeling awful because I'm heavily medicated, spending so much on pharmacies and therapy trying to fix something I don't think is fixable.

I only feel happy when I'm using a high dose of dextroamphetamine which is too expensive. I started fucking up my appearance again trying to feel something but now I just get nauseous looking at the mirror.

I have it all planned and I just wanna see my boyfriend once more, say goodbye properly to everyone, kiss my pets' foreheads a little more. I already have a SN contact, dealing with the process of antiemetic prescriptions with my doctors and setting on a date. I think I just needed to vent. Thank you for having me here :)

 

[dragonofenvy]

Welcome to the forum.

It's really sad to see your story and how long you've felt this way. It's very unfair that many people think the way to "fix" your problems is to just give you tons of expensive medication that ends up messing you up in the process. I've never had that experience personally, but I've known people on several different medications and know how much it can change them. Seeing how your friends also abandoned you simply because you're suffering, that's just horrible. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you.

University sucks too, I've been to uni, and man it just sucks. They have high expectations of you as though your life is only university and nothing else. All it does is just add to your stress, and make you feel like shit when you can't meet their impossible expectations, so you have to spend your entire time trying to meet them. It really sucks. That's why I haven't been back to university despite working crappy jobs.

I hope things end up working out for you, one way or another. Nobody should have to live a life of nothing but endurance of pain.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

welcome. stay as long as you'd like

your username reminds me of an old song. i forgot who the artist(s) were but the chorus went 'so please (3x) let me (3x) get what i want this time

*googled it: the smiths

 

[letmegetwhatiwant]

Welcome to the forum.

It's really sad to see your story and how long you've felt this way. It's very unfair that many people think the way to "fix" your problems is to just give you tons of expensive medication that ends up messing you up in the process. I've never had that experience personally, but I've known people on several different medications and know how much it can change them. Seeing how your friends also abandoned you simply because you're suffering, that's just horrible. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you.

University sucks too, I've been to uni, and man it just sucks. They have high expectations of you as though your life is only university and nothing else. All it does is just add to your stress, and make you feel like shit when you can't meet their impossible expectations, so you have to spend your entire time trying to meet them. It really sucks. That's why I haven't been back to university despite working crappy jobs.

I hope things end up working out for you, one way or another. Nobody should have to live a life of nothing but endurance of pain.

Thanks a lot! <3
I have a hard time with medication for as long as I can think of and it's true, they think that changing one pill here or there will make some difference but so far, it feels like wasting money. I knew some people that went though the same and the addiction to the medications is something so scary. About friends, I know I'm not the nicest person and it's hard to support someone all the time, but there's something about hearing "you're too fucked up to be here" that just breaks you.

I never thought uni would be so bad, but everyday more is an unpleasant surprise. I couldn't put in better words, you defined perfectly how everything is.

Thank you again for the kind words, it's very much appreciated!!! I wish you the best :)

welcome. stay as long as you'd like

your username reminds me of an old song. i forgot who the artist(s) were but the chorus went 'so please (3x) let me (3x) get what i want this time

*googled it: the smiths

Thank you, it's really nice to be in a place you're actually understood without judgement! :)

It's exactly because that song, so cool someone noticed. The Smiths and Joy Division are a soundtrack for my worst days.