Venting I feel worse and worse about them every day.

[SenelXamano]

I can't stop thinking about them. fuck them honestly. I know it was delusional to like him and its horrible to hate them together but fuck them. I'm genuinley so fucking jealous of her. Shes also my best friend but I'm honestly kind of relieved when shes not in vc with us. I hate them together. I hate the fucking loud mouths that had to tell him that she liked him. I fucking hate her. She was looking at her phone the other night and I saw she had him as her background. She's reposting lovey dovey videos on tiktok that are forced into my fyp. She has a fucking couples playlist with 107 songs and is 5 1/2 hours long. I honestly have almost relapsed into cutting myself everyday the past 3 weeks. I've never wanted to drink or smoke to get rid of the pain until now. It's never going to get better, this feeling. I'm never going to stop feeling this way about him. about them. about her. I feel anger when I talk to her. I feel hate when i see their fucking stupid couply shit. I feel sad when i talk to him. I wish I'd attempted much sooner. I wish I died ages ago. I wish I did push everyone away so I leave without anyone fucking caring. But he's all I fucking think about. Even a day without talking to him upsets me. My life is fucking pointless now. It's not that I only lived with hope that we'd be together its about just being there with him. I noticed now after they started dating he seems to ignore me talking sometimes. Other than that they both havent changed at all which honestly is hurting me even more. I wish no one told me. I wish no one told him. I wish her little brother and his half brother weren't such fucking loud mouths. I'm going to get worse and I'm going to relapse eventually. If it really does go that far I genuinely might go through with my plan. make them all hate me. make them all wish i was dead. make them not care about me at all. I love him. he's perfect, he's the coolest person I know. Part of me wishes I never introduced them again. I never feel okay. every escape from reality I had doesn't work anymore. I'm always thinking about them. always have him on my mind. Fucking delusional. No one will ever be as perfect as he is to me and I know that. It hurts so fucking bad. I hate them I hate them I hate seeing the photos she posts of herself I hate the profiles she has I hate her I hate him i hate them. I hate his half brother I hate her little brother. I hate them all. All I feel thinking about them about everyone is fucking hate. I fucking hate them. I hate them all. I hate how when she told me she said "didn't know if anyone would be upset abt it or sum, and bc he's ur best friend" It was like a fucking knife already stabbed me then she twisted it. Her little brother. "(His brothers gf) dropped the bomb, on his brother telling him, and the thing is they both said He was happy about it" I didn't know what he was talking about. her little brother told me on the 19th. His half brother made a joke about "no gooning! you've got a girlfriend now!" on the 20th and on the 21st she told me. They're all apart of it. and they're all so fucking happy for them. I can't fucking stand it. I almost want to feel worse so I have a reason to leave. And I genuinely wish they'd break up, but i know they won't and even if, it wouldn't be any time soon. im sick of seeing them Im sick of pretending im okay infront of them Im sick of fucking feeling this way. Im so fucking sick of it all. I can't fucking do anything without thinking of him. I couldn't do anything without thinking of him. now all i think about is them. I don't think theres a reason for me to stay here. I'm just bringing them down. and honestly leaving would benifit everyone. My little cousin gets my laptop and phone, he hasnt' had one of his own in over a year, my mother wouldn't have to worry about me not being employed or getting mad at her. my brother would finally get the silence he wants. she wouldn't have to worry about me while i at the same time can't tell her why I'm so upset all the time. I would finally stop annoying him everytime i'm in vc, and his half brother would probably be relieved that he doesn't have to listen to me vent anymore. The friend I don't talk too much would finally stop having to force conversations with me because i'm bad at talking one on one. my mother wouldn't have to waste money on a name change or other id shit or my travel to vancover island for top surgery if that ever even can fucking happen. I'm a fucking burden to them all especially now. I feel like theres nothing fucking left for me. theres nothing left for me to do here. All i fucking lived for was for them and now i can't help but feel upset every time i talk or hang out with them. He waited for her. we were all on call late and he wanted to go to bed, but he waited for her. something he'd never do for me, or his brother. or before they were dating, her. I hate them i hate them ifucking hate them i cant fucking stand them. I hate all the little things I notice. I hate how i can't help myself but to look deeper. I just keep finding more reasons to feel like shit.

 

[timf]

I don't now if this is the situation you are ealing with, but some people can find themselves feeding their hate as a way to stimulate emotional sensations. In a way they can become addicted to their own sensations.

It might be useful to experiments with a parallel activity that also touches the emotions such as art, music, writing,, etc. This might allow a form of expression that both stimulates the emotions and diminishes the role other people can have in this expression.

 

[SenelXamano]

I don't now if this is the situation you are ealing with, but some people can find themselves feeding their hate as a way to stimulate emotional sensations. In a way they can become addicted to their own sensations.

It might be useful to experiments with a parallel activity that also touches the emotions such as art, music, writing,, etc. This might allow a form of expression that both stimulates the emotions and diminishes the role other people can have in this expression.

I can't do anything without thinking of him

 

[timf]

If you can reclaim a corner of your thinking, you might get a tow in to reclaim control of your life. If you were to do something so far outside your usual activities such as attend a Ham radio meeting, a book club meeting, or volunteer event, you might find a way to break the grip your routine has on you.

 

[DirtCommie]

you might have limerence ...

Id also recommend that yoj go out and find another 'him'. Lol theres like 4.5 billion dudes on the planet right now lol. Youll find another him. The search is long and painful but 'he' is out there sewhere.

YOu cant force someone to like you anyways. It jjst is what it js. There have been millions of humans born before you and I and who are even alive today who thought they met 'The One' but that 'One' never liked them back and....that was the end of the story. Heck some people have spent their entire lives never finding a partner ddpsite their best efforts and....that was the end of the story.

It just is wht it is sometimes sadly.Its an unfair card game and itsucks sometimes I agree but that is the card game of life and dating , if you dont want to play with the unfairness of either of those games? Then dont. Its all up to you.

Best of wishes out there

 

[SenelXamano]

you might have limerence ...

Id also recommend that yoj go out and find another 'him'. Lol theres like 4.5 billion dudes on the planet right now lol. Youll find another him. The search is long and painful but 'he' is out there sewhere.

YOu cant force someone to like you anyways. It jjst is what it js. There have been millions of humans born before you and I and who are even alive today who thought they met 'The One' but that 'One' never liked them back and....that was the end of the story. Heck some people have spent their entire lives never finding a partner ddpsite their best efforts and....that was the end of the story.

It just is wht it is sometimes sadly.Its an unfair card game and itsucks sometimes I agree but that is the card game of life and dating , if you dont want to play with the unfairness of either of those games? Then dont. Its all up to you.

Best of wishes out there

It's so much more than just liking him. I can't be without him. He's my best friend, and the only reason I'm wanting to wake up in the morning. I could live without being with him. It just hurts especially knowing one of my best friends is the one who's with him. I've liked him 2 years and he's been my best friend for 4. I don't know many people and anyone new I meet doesn't seem to stick

 

[DirtCommie]

It's so much more than just liking him. I can't be without him. He's my best friend, and the only reason I'm wanting to wake up in the morning. I could live without being with him. It just hurts especially knowing one of my best friends is the one who's with him. I've liked him 2 years and he's been my best friend for 4. I don't know many people and anyone new I meet doesn't seem to stick

uhh ya that sounds like limerence to me. Waking up ONLY cause youre thinking about him sounds like a form of limerence to me. Sorry. You may need to get that checked out.

Also harsh truth here but, your life should be so interesting on your own that the things that you do , are gonna do, and are interested in are the reasons that you wake up for. Finding someome else or some group to share your life with is not guaranteed in this current type of world we live in. Those types of people are simply 'add-ons' in the type of world we live in today. Sad truth but the truth nonetheless . Humans have chosen to let societies based mostly on individualism take ahold and youre gonna have to dance to this 'individualist beat' too for now.I am not saying that EVERYTHING in your life has to be individualistic, I am not saying that EVERY REASON why you wake up has to be an individualistic one . It is just that the way that most societies are crafted nowadays most of the things that you will want to live for , and most of the reassosns why you will want to push yourself outta bed everyday will unfortunately be individualstic ones.

Also thats just how life works sometimes. There are a few people that we meet that we are 100% sure that we will get married to them or theyll be our best friends forever ...then ....BOOM ! ...all types of things happen and you may mever see that person ever again. Maybe they lose their lives? Maybe they lose our contact info? Maybe they have to enter a WPP? Maybe theyre interested in another person or another group? Thats just how things work out sometimes sadly. Oh well. Its a sad game that humans are playing here. Very sad game. Oh well. You dont have to play this game if you dont want to though.

Its all up to you. In this game you have the dlcards you were dealt and its current rules, rules that suck especially for the poor or the lonely yeah I get it, to deal with. But you gotta play the hand that you got. We all do. Or dont play at all. Maybe the hand that you got involves meeting another person that you feel as strongly for as your friend that you spoke of here. Maybe not.