mytimemysunflower
Member
- Feb 18, 2023
- 23
Hi, I'm completely new to this website and i heard about it a while ago on other mental health spaces. i just wanted to come here to vent and find potentially CTB methods if my beloved ever dies or leaves me. Um, it's nice to meet you guys i guess? But I am trying to vent do I guess I should move on with that.
I just, feel useless. I don't know why but it's been like this for a couple years now. I'm disgusting and needy and I don't understand why I'm still alive, life has gotten better i guess, my boyfriend has finally opened up to me and we're now dating, no more of that manipulation bs. Even though i oddly miss it for some reason. Me and my mom finally found a stable home for a while, though income is still kind of average. I'm grateful about that. But I still kind of want to die.
It's mostly because I don't know what I'm doing with my life, everyday I just get up and do things, I eat, read, talk to my bf, take a nap, talk to my bf again, maybe have a mental breakdown, and then sleep.
I feel tired. I sleep in so much and I'm still tired. My boyfriend slept in every single day for a week around valentines day and that really scared me because I thought he was dead every single time, even though he's also struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, i can understand why he wants to avoid reality as well. He's abused me and the guilt of that still lies within him, but I still forgive him because I truly do love him. I love him more than anything or anyone in the world. I'd die for him if I could. That's why it hurts so much. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me either. It hurts.
I don't have any purpose for living anymore if I don't have him, I had a dream last night that he cheated on me with some other girl and although it was just a dream, it still hurted.
I haven't been taking care of myself recently, it's been over a week since I last brushed my teeth and showered, yes I know that's terrible. Yes I know I should get up and do it. I just feel miserable and I hate it. I don't know why I'm even posting this anyways, but I hope you're having a good day whoever read it this far.
I just, feel useless. I don't know why but it's been like this for a couple years now. I'm disgusting and needy and I don't understand why I'm still alive, life has gotten better i guess, my boyfriend has finally opened up to me and we're now dating, no more of that manipulation bs. Even though i oddly miss it for some reason. Me and my mom finally found a stable home for a while, though income is still kind of average. I'm grateful about that. But I still kind of want to die.
It's mostly because I don't know what I'm doing with my life, everyday I just get up and do things, I eat, read, talk to my bf, take a nap, talk to my bf again, maybe have a mental breakdown, and then sleep.
I feel tired. I sleep in so much and I'm still tired. My boyfriend slept in every single day for a week around valentines day and that really scared me because I thought he was dead every single time, even though he's also struggling with depression and suicidal ideation, i can understand why he wants to avoid reality as well. He's abused me and the guilt of that still lies within him, but I still forgive him because I truly do love him. I love him more than anything or anyone in the world. I'd die for him if I could. That's why it hurts so much. I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me either. It hurts.
I don't have any purpose for living anymore if I don't have him, I had a dream last night that he cheated on me with some other girl and although it was just a dream, it still hurted.
I haven't been taking care of myself recently, it's been over a week since I last brushed my teeth and showered, yes I know that's terrible. Yes I know I should get up and do it. I just feel miserable and I hate it. I don't know why I'm even posting this anyways, but I hope you're having a good day whoever read it this far.
