Venting I feel ungrateful

[ThatStateOfMind]

I believe I've made a post similar to this before but I am feeling this way again. I feel ungrateful and like I shouldn't even be suicidal. Sure, my past was rough but my future doesn't look as dim but it still doesn't change a damn thing for me. I'm trying to push through with life at least until the end of college so I can say I've tried to change everything if I do attempt and succeed to CTB.

I feel like I have opportunity, I go to college, I've loved and been loved, I have a very supportive mother, I've witnessed the beauty of life and nature firsthand before, it all sounds pleasant but it feels like there's a cloud looming over. I go to sleep EVERY night hoping I don't wake up and I feel this wave of despair every morning wash over me when I do wake up. I go to sleep staring at my gun cabinet, knowing that one day, I might use what's in there to take my own life.

Why am I not grateful? I have opportunities and experiences that some people on here can't say they've had. I feel like I should be grateful and appreciate what I do have, because my situation is better than others. All I see is the negatives. My mom wasn't always great, she was on drugs for the first 15 years of my life, I lost everything at 15 as well in a VERY traumatic event, which I don't think I've told anyone on here about except in vague terms. It's resulted in me having PTSD and depression, it really was the start of my downward spiral. I had an eating disorder when I was younger than that, probably 13? It's like despite all of the positives in my life, I'm plagued by the negatives. It's exacerbated by the stress I have right now about life in general and the path I'm going. I just feel like I should be grateful regardless of all that because its the past and I'm far from the only person with trauma.

On an unrelated note, I saw RainAndSadness's post asking if this site benefited in any way and even beyond wanting to end my life, this forum has been helpful as I'm not some strange outcast here. I feel genuine support and it's a place I can talk and not be locked in a psych ward.

 

[randomdude113]

Change your environment if things get worse. Like literally save up and just go somewhere else and start over there, somewhere you want to go. Don't conform to societies norms. Go live in the middle of no where in a tent, go live in a big city and figure it out from there. Think of it like, if I'm about to end my life anyways, I might aswell go do whatever I want, and you might find enjoyment in that idea or doing it.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It seems like people of all kinds of life circumstances, good or bad, can succumb to suicidality. I don't think anyone should feel guilty for feeling how they feel. It is what it is. That being said, keep going as long as you have gas in the tank.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think you can exactly force yourself to be grateful. Is it because you feel the pressure from others that you 'should' give thanks? Or, because you genuinely want to feel it?

But no- I think it's something that is better when you feel it naturally. Otherwise, being forced to feel grateful I find tends to make me feel resentful.

My own reasoning (although I don't express it) is usually- I wish I hadn't been born to begin with. I'm not grateful to have been given life in the first place. Because to me- life has mostly been a whole series of problems I had to solve that I didn't consent to. So- to then say I should be grateful because my life isn't as bad as it could be, as it has been in the past in fact. Or, as bad as some other poor sods have it doesn't cut much slack really.

It's weird when you think about it. We're not in fact focusing on the good so much as maybe feeling lucky that we dodged the bad! I'm relieved I dodged the bad- certainly but grateful? If you were chucked into a freezing cold lake, would you be 'grateful' you had that experience and didn't drown or die of hypothermia or, would you be feeling pretty cross with the person who chucked you in?

That all said, I have felt genuine gratitude in the past but- it's when I've felt more at peace and happy in life. Then, it just kind of flows naturally. I've also found that the happier people I've known in life are very good at being grateful. So- I think there is something to it but, like I say, I think it needs to be genuine rather than parot fashion to really work.

I think we feel how we feel though. I don't think we should have to apologise for how we feel. Maybe it is good to have a social conscience and be grateful for your own 'blessings'. How does that help others though? Someone with millions of pounds can be incredibly grateful for their nice house and car, their expensive holidays. They may love being a CEO of a company that exploits people in the third world and spews out toxic sludge into the environment (not to say all rich, 'grateful' people make their money that way...) Another person can moan like hell about their lot but, give to charity, volunteer, try to be green. Who is actually making the better impact on other people's lives? If it's that that troubles you though. You have it better than other people- you could take action to improve their lives and they'll likely end up feeling genuinely grateful to you.

Ultimately though- I suspect many of us here would happily give our lives which have more opportunities and 'blessings' in them to others to have a shot at. (So long as we could be relieved of them in the process.) But, we can't. So then, it really becomes- who do we owe it to to live our best lives and be grateful for them? Our parents, society, God? Depends what you believe really...

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Let's examine your post here. You nicely enumerated and took full stock of all the advantages you have and all the reasons you have to be grateful. Having done that, did you find that all your anguish and despair disappeared into thin air? I'm doubtful. Gratitude and perspective are helpful and important but they're not magic panaceas. In fact, I've seen tike and time again how emphasis on them has worked against mental health by twisting people's psyches in unravelable knots of guilt and self-reproach. If we look at the totality of suicidality in humanity we'll find that there isn't any trait or attribute that is a guaranteed shield against it.