I feel that I don’t deserve anything. I feel like all things for myself are a waste.

[iamrealandyouarenot]

I have severe body image issues and a history of eating disorders and a car wreck that gave me disfigurements. I have ocd and I clean constantly. When I don't I am just extremely uncomfortable, and I feel that I can't do anything, even bathing, sometimes even using the bathroom until it is done. I understand that this is illogical. It's a mental illness like I'm not acting like that's real. What I do feel is real is when I'm sitting in a clean room, with candles lit, and music playing, I think how I don't deserve to sit here because of my body. I purchase expensive clothes and I give them away because they would look better on someone else. I am a good singer, classically trained, it's a waste. Who would want to watch? I'm a good actor, it doesn't matter. I'm smart. I'm funny. It doesn't even matter. I have never failed at anything I've tried to do. I'm not full of myself; I work so hard. I work so hard that it would be embarrassing if I wasn't good at these things. The money I fucking spend to be good at shit, so people fucking like me. I try to be perfect and I succeed in every way except the one that matters. No one cares what you're good at if looking at you makes them uncomfortable. Children stare, that is so fucking hard. The comments I get, its awful. I want to give my clean room to someone else. I want to give my everything to someone else. If I could catch the bus and someone else could have what I have instead, they could take it. It is such a fucking waste and it's sad. I worked so hard, I'm tired of working.

 

[bipolar22]

If perfectionism, and maybe narcissistic traits clashes with a bodily disfigurement than that can feel disastrous. Its understandable that now CBT seems the only viable options. Now the things that happend to your body are there to stay. the move forward now would be to make piece with your outer self and drawn validation from the things youre good at - entertaining people with your skills you have honed as you described. But to be blunt but gentle letting go of your requirement of having a perfect bodily attractiveness will be very hard and require immense year long work likely with a professional. The choice of how you go forward from hwre is of course completely on you and if the bodily disfigurment is a deal breaker for you than that's how it is. Wish you much courage

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel you. I worked so hard too and life destroyed (I have OCD too and many other issues)

 

[Galam]

What is this with the OCD diagnosis? I was giving this too 2014 but I suffer from bad body odor (it isn't a halucination) I maybe have tmau or something else and stink like urine or cheese often. The psychologists just gaslighted me to have OCD while I just go more often to toilets when I am with other people because I feel that I sweat too much and my pores stink. Others always gossip about my bad odor. Again mental diagnoses are scam, they hide the real reasons why someone does something.

 

[iamrealandyouarenot]

What is this with the OCD diagnosis? I was giving this too 2014 but I suffer from bad body odor (it isn't a halucination) I maybe have tmau or something else and stink like urine or cheese often. The psychologists just gaslighted me to have OCD while I just go more often to toilets when I am with other people because I feel that I sweat too much and my pores stink. Others always gossip about my bad odor. Again mental diagnoses are scam, they hide the real reasons why someone does something.

I don't know if this is very helpful but I've loved some very stinky people even as a Germaphope. I use expensive soap because as an overweight person I am scared to fall into the stereotype, and they really help. I wear 3 different Deodorants so I promise I understand. But I've had some conversations with people and even when I've known I stink (I work outdoors in the desert) everyone says they cannot tell. Sweat only tends to smell after it dries. I don't want to make you stressed or anything but these are facts that help me.