I don't know if this is the right thread BUT, I've been looking at buying a gun. I've been looking at a lady smith, Glock 36, or a Glock 43x; I'm going to go to the range this weekend to practice with them. I feel like my desire to CTB will diminish when I buy a gun. They scare me so; I know I'm not ready to CTB that way yet but IDK, the idea of knowing I have an out feels empowering. Like, if things get totally terrible, I have an out. I can take all the risk I want because if I really mess up, I can exit. I like that idea. I like having a Game Over button. I know it might seem crass, but it really gives me such freedom. To get on my soap box; I don't feel like I have that safety net with my friends/family. I know they care but I never feel it. SO to have a gun, a way out in general, feels so liberating! So what if I take a job that has better promise and it doesn't work out? I'll try to make it right and if I don't I'll CTB! I can take any risk and if it sucks I'll fix it or dip out!
I say that yet, I'm still scared. I fear death and I fear forgetting the people I love. Not being forgotten but forgetting. If the afterlife is a blank room with only my memories, I'd be ok with that. I don't want to forget the love and pain I've felt, I just want to be free from the burden of life. Life is such a shackle; you live and die by someone else's rules. I don't want to be at a point where I can't wipe my ass and need someone to assist me 24/7. IF I get dementia or any other end of life disease, I want to choose my exit. Load me up with drugs and send me on a sex binge IDK.
Life is such a blessing and death is such a reward to our suffering, why shouldn't we choose how we go? I think guns are aggressive and I'm much a fan of a 'silent goodnight' type way. BUT having any out makes me feel so much better. Knowing that if all goes wrong I can say nah and dip makes me feel so powerful! Perhaps I don't feel in control of my life and perhaps I need therapy, I will not argue that. I will argue that an exit plan is reassuring. It reminds me of The Last of Us where Frank(?) chooses to kill himself opposed be dragged to death by his cancer. Why can't we have that choice? Why can't I take some night-night pills and take a forever nap? God the peace.
Death is our eternal reward, a forever dream.
The more I look into this site, the more research I do, the less I want to CTB but the more I know I can. It gives me hope that even if I fail I have this. AND, to go on a tangent, I've attempted. I was doing a partial hang, from my closet like some have recommended. I remember blacking out, it was warm yet there was pressure in my head, and then I was standing up. I was so mad at myself for standing up. For having a will to live. I could've been done. It would've taken at least a day for someone to check in on me and yet I stood up. I thought I wanted to live, I thought I wanted to fight but I don't. Sometimes I will do a partial hang just to see if I want to die, to see if the fight is gone. I'm so disconnected that I can't answer those questions without hanging myself or putting a gun to my temple. God, what the cold barrel must feel like against your skull. I hate that this world is so enchanting yet so painful. I wish I could live without a care like my friends, but I cannot. I've felt this weight since I was ten, I will feel this weight till my last breath.
I truly believe this site gives me a solace I cannot find anywhere else. I cannot tell a therapist how I feel without fear that I will be 50/51(?). I cannot tell my friends/family without fear of the same or, possibly worse, they do not care. I think more than anything, I want to be heard.
I say that yet, I'm still scared. I fear death and I fear forgetting the people I love. Not being forgotten but forgetting. If the afterlife is a blank room with only my memories, I'd be ok with that. I don't want to forget the love and pain I've felt, I just want to be free from the burden of life. Life is such a shackle; you live and die by someone else's rules. I don't want to be at a point where I can't wipe my ass and need someone to assist me 24/7. IF I get dementia or any other end of life disease, I want to choose my exit. Load me up with drugs and send me on a sex binge IDK.
Life is such a blessing and death is such a reward to our suffering, why shouldn't we choose how we go? I think guns are aggressive and I'm much a fan of a 'silent goodnight' type way. BUT having any out makes me feel so much better. Knowing that if all goes wrong I can say nah and dip makes me feel so powerful! Perhaps I don't feel in control of my life and perhaps I need therapy, I will not argue that. I will argue that an exit plan is reassuring. It reminds me of The Last of Us where Frank(?) chooses to kill himself opposed be dragged to death by his cancer. Why can't we have that choice? Why can't I take some night-night pills and take a forever nap? God the peace.
Death is our eternal reward, a forever dream.
The more I look into this site, the more research I do, the less I want to CTB but the more I know I can. It gives me hope that even if I fail I have this. AND, to go on a tangent, I've attempted. I was doing a partial hang, from my closet like some have recommended. I remember blacking out, it was warm yet there was pressure in my head, and then I was standing up. I was so mad at myself for standing up. For having a will to live. I could've been done. It would've taken at least a day for someone to check in on me and yet I stood up. I thought I wanted to live, I thought I wanted to fight but I don't. Sometimes I will do a partial hang just to see if I want to die, to see if the fight is gone. I'm so disconnected that I can't answer those questions without hanging myself or putting a gun to my temple. God, what the cold barrel must feel like against your skull. I hate that this world is so enchanting yet so painful. I wish I could live without a care like my friends, but I cannot. I've felt this weight since I was ten, I will feel this weight till my last breath.
I truly believe this site gives me a solace I cannot find anywhere else. I cannot tell a therapist how I feel without fear that I will be 50/51(?). I cannot tell my friends/family without fear of the same or, possibly worse, they do not care. I think more than anything, I want to be heard.
