I feel so weird

[SMG08ABUSER]

Some days, I have an intense desire to CTB and depressive thoughts just completely take over. It feels like theres absolutely nothing I can do to stop them.

Other days, I feel completely normal and the thought of CTB sounds absolutely horrifying, like today. I also feel a lot calmer during these days, and I feel like I'm more of my "real" self. Not really sure if that makes any sense actually.

It's such a strange feeling. Weirdly enough, I haven't really had any intense depressive thoughts for a long time up until recently. Some days I just feel absolutely horrible and hate myself, and on others I feel completely normal.

Sometimes I hope that I don't catch myself on a really bad day. I'd hate to CTB without at least experiencing some of my goals and other things life has to offer.

I've only gone to the doctor to address some anxiety symptoms I felt at my previous job, and I was prescribed hydroxyzine. This medication actually
helped a lot, but man did I feel extremely sleepy when taking it. I ended up lying to my doctor about experiencing any depressive or suicidal thoughts though. Didn't want to risk being hospitalized or somehow have my parents find out through me still being on their health insurance. They're both very old fashioned and would not be likely to take me seriously if I opened up to them about this. I remember telling them I felt lost in life when I was a freshman in college and I was angrily scolded at. It hurt a lot, and I was really hoping they would be understanding and at least try to talk to me about it. This incident pretty much taught me that I should keep my deepest feelings to myself and not burden anyone I personally know. Other than medical professionals, the only person I would trust and open up to about these feelings would be my girlfriend, if I had one.

I'm glad this forum exists. It feels like I finally found a place where I can truly express my darkest feelings without being judged, yelled at, lectured, or made fun of. I used to use reddit to try and express myself, but it felt so shallow in my experience.

Overall, I just hope to live my life and at least attempt to achieve some of the goals I've set for myself. I guess deep down, I don't actually want to CTB after all. They're just some symptoms I've been experiencing due to my screwed up brain.

 

[hopelessgirl]

My brain does the same to me :-( thank you for sharing

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, you remind me of a younger me in a lot of ways. I have had the itch to exit on and off since I was 16, even on good days I've had to resist the impulse if the opportunity was there (visiting the grand canyon or a skyscraper roof or at the firing range). I don't want to go on impulse - for me, I'm very careful, methodical person and I'll do it with deliberateness.
I never had a girlfriend until I was 27, but in secondary school was told that girls liked me... but like others I was pretty oblivious to their cues. Years later I was told that classmates wondered if I was gay because of this! (I'm very much not)

Since I couldn't go to university I was actively working to disappear. Before I did, I had a vision of emigrating to try something new and further distance myself from friends and acquaintences. I had a lot of interesting experiences there until I was deported...

Some days are better than others, still, even after now on a second career, with a spouse and children. I've done more very cool things. They're more fun with the right traveling companion. But when I want to go do/ try something, I go alone sometimes because being an introvert I need some alone time too.

Am I serious about an early exit? Yes and no. I have a plan, and that gives me some comfort on the bad days. If I ever find a loaded shotgun it would be difficult to pass it by without testing it on myself.

Finding this site a few months ago was a great thing for me. I lurked for quite a bit before joining, but have found a lot of compassion and understanding among the community. Knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts is really... refreshing. It's difficult at times too. But knowing there's someone out there with the same struggles, and have the courage to be open, gives me confidence to be open as well.

I'm glad you're here. We're here for you too.
Wow sorry for the long post!
Added edit: and happy to take this offline, too...