arcadia
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- Jan 5, 2023
- 138
Everything is completely numb, I'm forcing myself to type with what little energy I have just to document these feelings. I don't care about anyone or anything right now. I've spent the past three days just staring into nothingness, passing out when my body demands it, returning to nothingness, passing out. I'm not sure if its been three days, or two, I don't know. I was surprised to learn the current date was the 20th of March. Nothing matters at the moment, and I've tested to see if this holds true by holding a knife to my throat and nothing. No panic, no survivial instinct, I was ready to go. But I don't want to right now, planning my suicide takes too much effort and I don't have the energy to expend. I'm content with embracing this beautiful nothingness until I get a sudden desire to finally leave. When somebody notices me and tries to drag me out of it, is when I'll leave. That's when I'll regain the drive to do such a thing. I know this is it for me, and that is so comforting. Just knowing that nothing will truly matter ever again, I may start caring again but I'll inevitably return to where I am now. The guilt for not looking after myself, for staying indoors for months, for not speaking to anyone? It's all gone. I feel so calm
